Tag Archives: behavior

autistic child worry

Why Won’t You Go to Sleep?!

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9 pm: the witching hour.

This is what a typical night in my house was like. Either the entire bedtime routine was a harrowing struggle or my son would go to bed willingly and get up every 7-1/2 minutes. Yes, really that often. Then, to add insult to injury, he would fall asleep just as my alarm went off at 5 am.

I did all the right things: the warm bath, stories, and bedtime milk… but by day six my “perfect” routine would transform into begging, threatening, bargaining, and sometimes even having a meltdown myself!

The worst part was when he kept me up all night literally bouncing off the walls, screaming, laughing, torturing the dogs, even torturing ME! If I did get to actually go to bed he would come into my room and climb all over me like I was a jungle gym, poke my face, stick his fingers up my nose, bounce on the bed, and giggle obnoxiously for HOURS. I used to think he was an android, because he would seemingly function perfectly the next day as if he required no sleep whatsoever.

It was killing me. Night after night after night after night of no sleep. When sleep deprivation is caused by another, even your innocent child that can’t help himself, the resentment builds and the patience lessens rapidly.

So I did something about it.

Now I want to help you do something about it, too!

It is estimated that between 60% and 80% of Autistic children have difficulty sleeping. This can include trouble falling asleep, restlessness and poor sleep quality, thrashing about, and early rising.

After spending month after month dealing with my son’s erratic and frustrating sleep patterns, I know and understand the challenges, hardships, and heartache associated with sleep deprivation. I also know the extreme health risks associated with sleep deprivation and insomnia, because I was experiencing them, and, even though it didn’t seem that way, so was my child.

After researching, experimenting, playing, and sometimes pulling my hair out, I found some really practical things that shifted our entire bedtime experience and brought sleep and peace back into my home! I was so excited about these solutions that I spent the last few months compiling them into one place so no one else has to live the way we were living night after night.

In my new book, 30 Ways To Get Your Child With Autism to Go to Sleep, I share everything I learned through months of research and trials and tribulations to not only cope with my son’s sleep struggles but to overcome them.

If you would like to learn things like:

✔ Sensory routines that instantly calm

✔ Suggestions for safe supplements to give your child

✔ Foods that may be making your child hyper and keeping him awake

✔ An ancient Chinese massage technique that greatly improves mood, behavior and sleep patterns

✔ How the color of your child’s room may set off unwanted stimulation

✔ Links to helpful resources and more

I encourage you to check out 30 Ways To Get Your Child With Autism to Go to Sleep.

Take back your nights and give yourself the gift of peace of mind and much needed downtime! YOU and your family deserve quality sleep and these tools will help you get it back!

Please share this post with other sleep-deprived families that struggle with bedtime, and send me your comments below or post on the SOA Facebook page to let me know which ones worked best for you!

autism verbal stim

Some Mornings Feel Like 17 Levels of…

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The other morning, before I even had a chance to hit snooze at 4:35, I woke up to this:

Click to hear (speakers DOWN!)

It proceeded for four and a half hours, until I left for work.

Trying to get out of bed, my son was standing over me making these very loud, bizarre noises.

Getting the three malamutes leashed up and ready for their morning walk, my son was trying to ride them and screamed the noises in their faces.

While I was preparing his breakfast, he would sneak up behind me and scream the noises so I jumped and spilled his food.

During my entire workout he would jump on my back, grab my leg, stand on my back while I was doing pushups, and fight with the dogs… all while making non-stop noises.

Whilst in the shower he would constantly open the curtain and scream (it echoes! Oh boy… even louder!) the noises.

Applying my makeup.

Getting dressed.

Making coffee.

Packing lunches.

Preparing the dogs’ treats.

Yes, four and a half hours. Of course, I was in rushing deadline mode, not patient parent mode, so I made the situation worse.

As I was leaving for the office, he immediately sat down and began composing beautiful original music on his DSi XL. Huh? Then he had the temerity to say to me, “Mom, it seems like you have your feathers in a bunch today.”

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So what was going on?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a distinct checklist or pattern that would solve for “x” (the noises).

It could have been something he ate or drank before I got up (clearly he was awake before my 4:30 alarm) that caused a reaction.

Maybe this was an extension of sensory-seeking behavior.

Maybe it was verbal stimming due to something was worrying him – a change in a pattern or schedule (he recently had some issues with visitation and his father).

Maybe he was bored.

Maybe he wanted attention.

Maybe he was just having an off day – we all have them. Children with Autism (and puberty!) may not intuitively know how to channel “bad day” energy.

What I do know is this: had I stopped for five minutes and employed one of the tools I normally pull out of my “patient parent toolbox”, I’m sure the morning would have gone differently. I’m not saying the behavior would have stopped completely, but here are some ways I could have redirected him:

  • Invited him to join me on any of the physical activities of the morning, like the dog walk or intervals (jumping jacks, jump rope, running in place, squats)
  • Taken a yoga break
  • Engaged him in a one-on-one activity that he loves (Hangman, Picto-chat, Uno)
  • Played a sensory game
  • Had a protein snack
  • Did an EFT tapping session
  • Designated a “screaming” area of the house where it’s okay to let it all out

These are all quick, simple ways to break the pattern of the morning. I, on the other hand, became stressed, got aggravated, and let the panic of being late overtake me. I got to work feeling like I wanted to carve out my intestines and strangle someone with them. Imagine how he felt, having all this energy in his body and not knowing how to get it out without getting in trouble!

Lesson learned. Sometimes we have to experience 17 levels downward before we can “level up”.

What about you? Have you seen a behavior recently that made you pull your hair out? What did you do about it? What could you have done differently? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

Spring Fever – Time to Get the Body Moving!

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I am learning from my mistakes. Hey, that’s better than continuing a pattern for an indefinite amount of time, unwilling to look at what may or may not be working, right?

My son, being an unschooler for a little over six months, is very much out of shape. Oh, I know the reason. He spends the better part of his day programming video games (not playing them – WRITING them!). Because of his obsession and brilliance, he currently isn’t interested in joining the rest of the world.

Without turning this into an unschooling article, there is a certain degree of “deschooling” a child will go through when first realizing they are not being forced to memorize things they have no interest in. Picture having been restricted from a certain food group for years and years and suddenly you are told you can eat whatever you want WHENEVER you want – what do you think you would do? Eat all your favorite foods to excess, most likely! Then your body would realize it could have them at any time, and the pendulum would start forming a natural balance – you would find a nice rhythm to your eating. By the way, your body is way smarter than your fad diet, but that’s a post for another day!

The situation

Here’s the missing key in my house right now: my son will spend hours programming games and then get these uncontrollable bursts of energy that have no choice but to be released in the fastest and loudest way possible. He usually shapeshifts into a whirling dervish and runs the length of the house several times, screaming and hitting everything in his path. Not angrily, just energetically :)

Sure, his body is taking care of the regulation of this energy, but not in a productive way. Typically this will result in dogs or sister lashing out at him for inappropriate agitation, followed by the lowering of his self-esteem because he doesn’t understand what everyone’s so upset about.

Having done a successful Fitness 4 Autism program with him in the past, I am kind of ashamed that I let things go this direction for so long. At times I switch into survival mode, when I am balancing a ridiculous amount of things on my oversized, superwoman plate. But that’s okay, all we have is the now and here’s what I’m committing to:

The solution

Short chunks of regular movement breaks. One of my greatest motivation tools for Justin is a timer. Whenever he is resistant to any activity (tooth brushing, taking out the trash) I turn it around and make it a game. I tell him he’s not faster than me, and we have a friendly race doing whatever it is that needs to be done. So we will set a timer and perform animal crawls, star jumps, and similar short bursts of full body movements. Functional exercises for short periods of time are great for everyone, not just children on the Autism Spectrum!

Family field day. Sandbell tossing, hurdles, jumps, even sack races… there is nothing wrong with a little family competition! We’ll even get the dogs involved (Malamutes LOVE to pull things!). I am making the ribbons tomorrow – very excited!

Replace the mini trampoline. It’s been a while since our old one broke. Why have I never replaced it?  This is a good object to always have available to alleviate any short bursts that come unexpectedly.

Weekly yoga. There are so many benefits to practicing yoga, especially for Autism. We both loved doing this in the past – once again it’s funny how bad habits seem to have much easier “sticking” power than things that are good for us!

Exploring new parks. We are very fortunate to live in a county that has over 120 parks and recreation centers. Why are we sitting at home? Time to say no to some of those freelance clients that need things yesterday, turn off Law & Order (love me some Vincent D’Onofrio!), put the iPhone on airplane mode and go PLAY. We can even make a park rating document and map – why not turn it into “research”?

How does regular movement really help?

It’s been proven that children (and adults!) perform better after they’ve moved around. Regular physical activity helps your child:

  • Maintain focus for longer periods
  • Feel better about himself and his abilities
  • Put multiple commands together with cues
  • Confidently participate in new things
  • Get in better shape

Fitness boosts confidence, independence, and self-esteem, plus it teaches goal setting. Speech targets, communication, and behavioral targets can also be incorporated into your daily movement breaks. Remember, no expensive, large equipment is needed!

This is my Spring commitment to my children and myself. I set an example daily with the intense early morning workouts I do at home; however they never see me simply moving for fun, other than walking the dogs.

Join me in this Spring movement… “movement”. Remember, sharing this goal with your child will benefi­t the entire family – it sets everyone up for long-term health and fi­tness. Tell me how you plan to move more with your child by commenting below or sharing it on the SOA Facebook page! I love fresh ideas!

When Connections Are Made

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One of the most perplexing characteristics of Autism that manifests in my son is his lack of ability to put together cause-and-effect connections. Because he is so ridiculously brilliant and advanced academically, it is easy for me to overlook typical actions such as burning his hand on the stove and then touching it again without pause, or messing with the dogs, getting snapped at (or even bit), and then repeating the behavior minutes later. He is perpetually surprised by a repeat consequence and often has no idea that he caused it.

Here is a normal evening scene in my house: I’m in the living room working on the computer, my daughter is on the couch drawing, and my son is in his room designing video games on his laptop. Suddenly he gets a surge of energy that MUST be burned off immediately, comes running down the hall and stops an inch and a half from my ear, then lets out a screaming phrase at his loudest volume.

I have had an array of responses to this, trying my best to reprogram the behavior and teach a lesson without losing my composure. I’m not very good at it.  From the gentle, “Sweetie please don’t do that” to “That hurts Mommy” to the futile “How would you like it if…”, I have not gotten through to him that it is not acceptable to emit sounds at close range that exceed 125 dB. (I’m being facetious here, but according to this Decibel Chart pain begins at 125 dB!)

What usually occurs with these repeat offenses? I try the calm and logical approach first. And second. And tenth :) Then it escalates. Especially when I’m exhausted and have a work deadline to adhere to. Sometimes I plead with him (mistake). By the umpteenth time, I unload. It’s not right, but it happens sometimes. Most of the time it has the same effect as any of my other tactics: nothing. Zoom. Over the head. He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t care, he is doing what he needs to do.

Lately, since the onset of precocious puberty, yelling has started to evoke a reaction of sadness and embarrassment. Of course I don’t capitalize on shaming him in any way, but something has been getting through. This is a golden window of opportunity, as his mind is temporarily freed from the pattern and he is able to hear what I am saying. After the last incident, I immediately took him somewhere quiet and talked about what just happened. I started with an apology for yelling. He retreated into, “You hate me” and “I’m stupid”. I then explained that I love him ALWAYS – no matter what – but I don’t LIKE his yelling in my ear. I calmly and appropriately told him why I didn’t like the behavior, and asked for his help in coming up with a new rule that we can all live with. We now call the living room the “quiet room”. He is welcome to make loud noises in the back half of the house, but in the quiet room we speak in normal tones.

Something happened after that conversation. Five minutes later, he had another power surge and came running down the hall screaming. He stopped in the doorway of the living room, walked up to me, and said, “Hi, Mom” in a nice, respectable tone.

What did I do? I told him I was very proud of him, did I high five, and made a big deal out of his conscious new behavior. You might think that makes me a foo-foo, new-agey, namby-pamby mom that celebrates when their child merely shows up for something. No. This is Autism. This is a connection. This is a MILESTONE.

I am not advocating that you perpetually get to the yelling stage and then backpaddle out of it like I did. But in this case I believe it shook something loose and got his attention. When I yell, I never say ugly things, by the way. It’s always matter-of-fact and focused on the behavior, but it IS yelling nonetheless.

What I learned

Instead of getting to the explosive stage, like I did, how about doing something to break the pattern? Something that would have the same affect but without the negative connotation? Try ringing a bell, using a radically different vocal tone, standing on your head, or anything unexpected. This will redirect the current behavior and get your child’s attention.

Explain briefly what the offensive behavior is (your child often has no idea what they are doing wrong), and why it is not okay. This must be spoken in clear, concise terms, not emotionally or vague in any way. Avoid our human nature to ask, “How would you like it if…”. It is common for children with Autism to lack the necessary wiring to experience empathy naturally – the question will go nowhere.

Ask for your child’s help to come up with a fun new rule that would make everyone happy. Make it clear that everyone must follow the rule. Bonus if you express a behavior that you are going to work on doing better as well!

This practice in my home has led to an increase in my son’s ability to start reading situations. Just the other day he came into the room and started bothering the dog, who immediately growled. For the first time ever he walked away and said, “Maybe he doesn’t like that.”

Yes!

What about you? What helps your child make connections? Share your thoughts by commenting below or posting on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

Am I a Helicopter Mom?

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Today I took my son with me to the computer repair place to drop off his laptop. Naturally, he was all over the place during the entire process – running around the store, making all the little holiday novelty toys make noise at the same time (repeatedly), slipping behind the counter, and making loud noises.

I am used to getting thrown out of most public places (grocery stores, restaurants, movie theaters, churches… shall I go on?) when this type of behavior emerges, so naturally I was a bit on edge, redirecting him as much as possible. Every two seconds. The store’s owner absolutely took a liking to my son and constantly told me while this was occurring to “let him go”, “let him explore and be a boy”, and “stop being a Mother Hen”.

I could have been insulted, but you and I both know that as a mother of a child on the Autism Spectrum we are frequently forced to be Helicopter Moms. Mostly I am used to hearing the opposite words than today’s experience: “Would you please control your child”, “You need to spank him or something”, and “Why do you let him do that?” So… yes. I hover.

I do know that when our world is immersed in sensory processing, Autism, and disability daily reminders, we can honestly forget that our child is just a child and sometimes they are doing what boys do! Still, people can often make judgments or assumptions based on the behaviors they see at that moment. This gentleman saw some loud noises, mild hyperactivity, and repetitive behavior and it didn’t bother him. What he didn’t know is that my son can have tendencies to:

  • Break items with impulsive movements
  • Hurt himself due to sensory-seeking behaviors like crashing into things
  • Make poor decisions because of the absence of a sense of danger
  • Disturb other people by being a “space invader”
  • Become so overloaded with sensory input that he is no longer able to hear and understand commands
  • Yell inappropriate things
  • Run away, sometimes into traffic

We lucked out this time. But where is that balance between being a Helicopter Mom and leaving some space for my child to show me that he can handle more than I may be letting him? Am I limiting his natural abilities to learn what’s appropriate and work things out? Or am I protecting him in the right way? Is it up to others’ reactions?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but the good news is that I can keep asking them and tweaking our experience along the way! I am not insulted by being called a “Mother Hen”, I am actually grateful for the opportunity to take a look at the way I support my child and possibly adjust for a better outcome if I find some truth in it.

What about you? Do you balance between hovering and allowing? Has it burned you or surprised you before? I’d love to see your comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

My children, Malamute/Husky pack and I wish you and your family a wonderful, abundant and joyful Holiday Season!

OW! Why Did You Just Punch Me?!?

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One of the most challenging of my son’s behaviors on a daily basis is his impulsivity. It has also been magnified greatly since the onset of precocious puberty.

What is impulsivity?

On MedicineNet.com, it is defined as:

Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought. People who are overly impulsive, seem unable to curb their immediate reactions or think before they act. As a result, they may blurt out answers to questions or inappropriate comments, or run into the street without looking. Their impulsivity may make it hard for a child to wait for things they want or to take their turn in games. They may grab a toy from another child or hit when they are upset.

What this would look like in school in our experience was my son blurting out a noise, walking up to something and knocking it down, bumping into someone, hitting his head on the desk, etc. This was probably the number one category of behaviors he repeatedly got in trouble for.

The teachers, the para professionals, the counselors, and the principal would always ask the same thing of him: “Why did you…? Why? What were you thinking?”

And he would always answer, “I dunno.” Sometimes he would giggle.

I got told the same thing over and over – that my son must have done whatever he had done on purpose, because he showed no remorse for his actions and refused to tell us why. They were infuriated. They would even go so far as to suggest for a behavioral blowup on a Tuesday morning that I punish him over the weekend by taking away TV and video games. Um… have you ever disciplined a dog 10 hours after he ate a shoe? How’d that work out for you?

Of course he doesn’t know WHY  he did it. Of course he feels no remorse – he doesn’t understand that he did something wrong.

It is NOT a calculated action.

It is NOT a manipulative behavior.

It is NOT intentionally disrespectful.

As a parent, it takes a lot of reminders for me to remember these things in the heat of the moment. When he rides the puppy, sticks his foot in my face, punches me, knocks into me while I have a cup of hot coffee in my hand, blurts out a screeching noise close to my face… this is impulsivity. He doesn’t think, “Hmmm… if I do THIS, it will make Mom yell.” (that’s my daughter’s job, ha ha)

Now, before you start yelling that I am giving him a free ticket to be a butt whenever he wants, that is not the case. I am always striving to find the delicate balance of understanding his actions but teaching him that they are inappropriate. In order to communicate with him in a way he will receive it, I have to remember that he is not doing it on purpose to physically hurt me or irritate the living crap out of me. (Again… teen daughter for that :) Kidding! She’s awesome!)

I also have to remember that sometimes he is just being a boy. My world is submerged in the study of Autism and I can sometimes forget that little boys can be imps.

I wish I could tell you WHY impulsivity is such a huge part of Autism. In fact, I tried to write this blog last week based on the science behind it and it just wasn’t happening. It is what it is, and I’m sharing what we experience and what helps. That’s all I can do!

So what does help?

Create a separate room for “free behaviors”. One of my favorite things to say to my son when his noises and behaviors are at their peak in the common living area is, “This is the quiet room. You may go in the noisy room to scream, throw things, punch your pillow (or keep doing whatever it is he is doing). Out here you need to be quiet and respect the rest of the family.” I even do it with the dogs – send them to another place when they are severely disrupting things in the family room.

Redirection. Ah, the magic answer that comes up a lot… because it works! Changing the focus, getting out of the power struggle and into a silly joke, task, or game will almost always set the stage for peace.

Social stories. My son lacks empathy – he is not currently wired to experience theory of mind (putting himself in another’s shoes). I have actually seen some pretty exciting gains when it comes to this, but for the most part I have to remember that saying, “How would you feel if…?” never gets the answer I want. Not because he’s being a butt, because he doesn’t know. Social stories – observing a third party in a similar situation – help him make a connection.

I’ve always been amazed that my son could do high school math but would burn his hand on our stove and go back and touch it again. The cause and effect factor is completely missing. This helps me understand that coming up to me and knocking down something I’ve just built does not warrant the punishment a parent might normally feel the need to dispense. I have to stop and think, just as much as I am teaching my son to do.

What about you? What challenging behaviors do you see that you can attribute to impulsivity? What helps? I’d love for you to comment below or share your experiences on the SOA Facebook page!

Are You Setting Your Child Up for Success or Failure?

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I sometimes fail to remember: as parents we are not raising children, we are raising happy, productive, balanced adults.

Recently a friend of mine of 17 years had the courage to express an observation about the way I frequently respond to some of my son’s less-than-desirable behaviors. Instead of feeling judged or on the defensive, I reflected on his words and decided to take an honest look at where I might be setting my child up for failure.

I’ve mentioned on Twitter that puberty plus the lack of energy release during homeschooling has sent Justin into a bit of a regression with his loud noises, stimming and impulsivity. Add to the mix a mom that works overtime and does freelance projects at night, sleep deprivation, and a teenage sister that always rouses him, and we have some pretty obnoxious behavior rearing its ugly head.

I have a few stubborn “reflexes” about Justin’s noises that are rooted back to our pre-diagnosis days, where we frequently got kicked out of retail and eating establishments due to the fact that I “couldn’t control my child” :)  Before I understood sensory processing issues, auditory overload, and Autism itself I merely thought he was choosing to be out of control. Ha! I was so accustomed to apologizing and making excuses for him to get us through the trip to the grocery store or lunch with a relative;  I would do whatever it took to smooth over the incident and get us home.

Back to the observation of my friend: he said that I tend to speak about my son like he’s not in the room when he starts exhibiting these behaviors. I retreat into a litany of excuses while he continues to act in a way that’s actually unacceptable.

Now before you fly off the handle about how our children can’t help doing some of the things they do… yes. That’s right. My excuses are most likely accurate – sensory overload, puberty issues, too much downtime, unpredicted change in schedule and more. These are the reasons 99% of the time that a behavior creeps in. However, am I allowing my son to use his Autism as an excuse to not even try to do better?

Read that again. Am I allowing my son to use his Autism as an excuse to not even try to do better?

Ouch. I believe sometimes I am teaching him this. He may NOT know better, he may NOT be able to help himself, but what do I do with that information? Do I use it as an opportunity to help teach him how to appropriately handle his issues?

This doesn’t mean I don’t provide resources or abandon his needs. It doesn’t mean we don’t leave some situations because they are causing overload. What does it mean?

“Justin, this is the quiet room of the house. If we want to scream, we go in the other room.”

“Justin, it’s not okay to run into the room and fall on the puppy with that giant toy. It hurts him. When the puppy gets hurt, he bites people. Let’s run in the back yard or down the hallway only.”

“Justin, I know it’s really noisy in here and your ears probably hurt. Would you like to go into a quiet place for a while, or maybe put your headphones on?”

These solutions take time, especially when he’s learned that he can make his sister yell and his Mom make excuses for him. But my goal for him is to be able to tell what is appropriate and what is not, whether he can help the behavior or if he’s spinning out of control. If he can’t help it, he needs to learn to ask for assistance, tools, or even an out. I am in no way denying his sensory needs or coping skills.

It’s time, I think, to start sending the message that I expect the best from him. It’s when I make these subtle adjustments within my own mind that he always surprises me and rises to a new level of self-awareness.

What about you? Are there areas where you could expect more from your child? I’d love to hear your comments! Don’t forget to join the conversation on our Facebook page!

Autism + Puberty = Oh, Crap!

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Got your attention, didn’t I?

We’ve been in a great rhythm for a while now, and it’s been glorious. Rituals and routines: check. Handy sensory tools to take to outings: check. Restricted diet: check. Digestive enzymes: check. Pre-meltdown signs identified and used to head him off at the pass: check.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the pants my 9 year-old son was wearing just a few days earlier were suddenly three inches too short. Did I use the wrong drier setting…? Then I saw acne. Then peach fuzz above his lip.

“Honey? Your voice sounds funny – are you coming down with a cold? Feeling okay?”

Then it hit me like a brick to the back of the head: big P, here we come.

Having a daughter first that went through full puberty at 8 (ACK!) I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about: I thought I had it in the bag. Easy – whiny, emotional, easily irritated, overreacting to things – then a smooth ride until the following month. Of course boys are different, but when you add precocious puberty with a splash of Autism you get an interesting cocktail. The hormones seem to sneak in and reconfigure many of the connections we’ve worked so hard to attain.

What to expect

Unexpected rage over small incidents. Proper magnitude of a situation was always an issue with us. We’ve really come a long way learning appropriate responses, but with some of these reactions it’s as if we’re now starting all over again.

Sleep schedule run amok. There has been a magnified wave of insomnia in our house, followed by 15-16 hour stretches of sleep for no apparent reason. Our old rituals and occasional use of melatonin are now ineffective.

New food likes / dislikes and  bizarre cravings. Good thing I went to Sam’s Club and bought a giant, industrial-sized box of his favorite snack food… that he suddenly hates :) Ugh. I caught him spreading Nutella on a dog biscuit the other day and slapped it out of his hands in panic! The good news? He’s trying new foods. It’s all about perspective. <Kidding – no child in my house eats dog biscuits!!

Lack of appetite followed by devouring a week’s worth of groceries. I know this one is not unique to children on the Spectrum, it’s part of having a t(w)een boy.  I still found myself quite financially unprepared for living with Garfield. Anyone know a good Gluten-Free lasagna recipe?

Being overly affectionate. This is a sticky-wicket, especially because I’m a single mom. There have been some shockingly inappropriate… acts of curiosity… that I’ve swiftly nipped in the bud! I will probably need some more assistance with this topic, however, as my expertise ends with Judy Blume books and creating the perfect chocolate/salt balance about three days out of the month. Calling all male role models… help! STAT!

Exhibiting desires to control family members and pets. For some reason, my boy is getting some sort of payoff from cornering me or his sister and not letting us pass through a room, blocking us from getting something in the kitchen, and mildly terrorizing the puppy. There is an underlying theme for the sudden desire to be the “capo di famiglia” (head of household). Yeah… that’s not gonna happen. Thank you, drive through!

No desire to keep up hygiene. Both my kids exhibited this strange behavior at the onset of puberty. It takes an Act of Congress to get them into the shower more than once a week. I simply can’t relate… but I have to stick to my guns.

Regression of old behaviors. Some of the old impulsivity is rearing its ugly head, along with stimming, toileting accidents, and blurting out loud noises. It really feels as if he is choosing this behavior; it has a deliberate tone to it. However, when disciplined he is honestly surprised that he is in trouble and is truly not sure what he did. The difference now is that he internalizes it and tells everyone he’s stupid. That’s not good.

What do you do?

Open communication. The number one thing you can do is make sure your child feels safe to talk about anything with you. With Autism, you may hear questions and perspectives you’ve never encountered in this arena. It’s so important to keep an open dialogue about what he is experiencing, this will set a solid foundation that will hold up any future issues and surprises with grace.

Rinse and repeat. It takes time to create new habits. 21 consecutive days, actually. Don’t expect your child to embrace these new hormones and feelings without some confusion and resistance. Remain patient and be prepared to explain, instruct, and remind your child about virtually everything. You will be repeating yourself, so get used to it :)

Gently establish new routines and rituals. Don’t cry over what used to work. Life is meant to be fluid. I used to feel like such a failure when I couldn’t command a successful routine 100% of the time. Now my attitude is, “We’re going to try this for a while and see how it goes.” If it stops working, we make small course changes. It took me almost 40 years to learn that small, consistent adjustments make a much more profound impact than the extreme and rigid ways I would try to enforce a schedule I thought “should” work. Not to mention all the energy expended feeling bad about my “shoulds”. Now that energy is freed and I can focus on our next step. The flow is so much nicer!

Exercise! Physical movement is always a priority, but it’s really critical during puberty. We start off each morning with Superbrain Yoga. Since I work out every morning for my own sanity, my son will sometimes mimic what I’m doing (or his version of it). There are currently no structured sports or activities in our repertoire, so walks with the dog, back yard exploring, and regular trips to the neighborhood bouncy house definitely help. When the weather gets a little less infernal we will be trying some more challenging activities.

Find a creative outlet. If you have a child with Autism, I’m sure you are no stranger to their current obsession. Rather than meeting it with resistance because YOU think the interest is excessive, try expanding on it. For example, my child lives, breathes, and eats Super Mario Brothers. We’ve found a computer program that goes above and beyond playing the various games: he gets to create custom levels. He puts them to music, assigns characters, powers, scenes, dialogue, and criteria to his games like he’s been designing all his life. What an awesome gift!

Establish ‘mommy time’ boundaries. Now more than ever it is imperative that you carve out sacred time for yourself. You may feel selfish and neglectful when you first attempt this, especially if you work. But the benefits are two-fold: you are getting a much needed and deserved break to replenish your spirit, and you are teaching your child how to do the same for himself. Making sure you are balanced and happy is the greatest gift you can give your entire family.

Celebrate the good choices. No matter how small you think it is, it’s a big deal that your child is able to make a connection, follow a thought, and make a positive choice. You may feel as if your child is too old, but throwing a verbal party when you catch him being good will really shift unwanted behaviors quickly!

What about you? Have you ventured down this path yet? What things helped you tame the beast? Feel free to share by commenting below or posting on the SOA Facebook page – I’d love to hear your stories!

5 Quick Ways to Stop a Meltdown

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You know how it happens. You’re in a store and your child starts making loud noises, jumping out of the cart, running around, falling on the floor. You beg, you bargain, you threaten but the noises get louder. Or maybe it’s a restaurant and your son is holding his ears, sprinkling grated cheese all over his seat, kicking the table of the couple sitting behind you, and simply not listening to you. You offer rewards, you raise your voice, you may even pack up and leave in a hurry with your food untouched. I have done these things more times than I can count.

Once I learned more about sensory integration and the way my child is under assault by his senses daily, the more I understood why all of the exhausting and frustrating techniques above had no impact or even made things worse.

Here are 5 techniques I created over time and now keep in my toolbox whenever we go out:

Tell a story. What is your child’s current obsession? Is it a cartoon character? A video game? This is a great opportunity to introduce a social story starring the number one persona that will get your child’s attention. For my son, I will use Mario, Luigi and Yoshi to illustrate the issue, list options of preferred and exaggerated non-preferred responses from them, and then ask his opinion on which he thinks would be a better choice. To really drive the message home, I ask him to show me how he would teach that character to make the right choice.

Assign a job. Amidst the chaos, I like to suddenly feign a problem that I absolutely can’t solve myself and then ask for his help. I tend to make it ridiculous enough to get his attention but not so much where he doesn’t believe I can accomplish the task myself.  An example would be to cry out, “Oh my goodness – I can’t figure out which of these items are cold so the cashier can ring them up together! Can you help? I don’t know WHAT to do!” He usually immediately gets out of his head and body and gets excited about helping Mom :)

If you build it… Often troubled times occur while waiting for our order at a diner or restaurant (if the odds are in our favor and we attempt such a thing!). Many times, without speaking, I will start building a pyramid or structure out of coffee creamers, pats of butter, single-serve jams, or even sugar packets. His curiosity is piqued when he sees my attempted creation and will typically start to mimic me.

Reboot. Ideally, it would be wonderful if you could explain to your child the benefit of closing her eyes, taking deep breaths, and “restarting” her system. When in meltdown, it is most likely too late; once sensory overwhelm has occurred, reasoning flies out the window. The brain can be jolted out of its current state with an unusual statement or unexpected silly gesture. Once that occurs, it searches for an answer or new idea to latch onto, so you have about 3-10 seconds to redirect the current activity or reaction. Sometimes all it takes is a really silly face or Jim Carrey-like clumsy fall to instantly disarm my son.

Direct within. Using a series of questions that aim to keep your child in the present moment can be a lifesaver. “What is that on the wall? “What does that place mat feel like on your fingers? Do you hear that funny bird outside the window?” This also can prove challenging if your child has spatial issues and doesn’t feel where her body ends and space begins. Technology can help! A cheap set of headphones and an iPhone app with nature sounds (or even a game) can help your child tune out the rest of the world that is currently  assaulting her nervous system.

These things have worked for me many, many times. I shudder when I recall my responses and attempted solutions before I really understood how differently my son perceives the world around him. Putting myself in his shoes first is the ONLY way any of these suggestions will truly help. He is old enough now where I can actually ask him if his body is hurting or if something else is causing his outburst. He is much more in touch with his body these days and can actually verbalize his experience, as well as ask for what he needs with prompting. It wasn’t always like that, though.

Keep trying, don’t worry about what anyone else around you is saying, and stay flexible – you will see the payoff!

How do you typically put a halt on meltdowns? Do you have tips to share with other readers? Post them here in the comments below or on the SOA Facebook page – I’d love to hear your ideas!

Bad Behavior or Shedding Old Skin?

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Have you experienced some exciting, big changes in your child with Autism after an intensive therapy program? Did you find that shortly after you noticed great progress you were also witnessing some less than desirable behaviors?

When you start to “retrain” the brain, It’s like peeling layers of an onion and getting your child closer to their true self. Being previously veiled by sensory overload and expending most of their energy simply trying to navigate through day-to-day experiences, your child is most likely now starting to take interest in people rather than objects, become curious, and feel many emotions for the first time. Do they know how to deal with these emotions? Probably not!

You may start to see some challenging (and downright ugly) behaviors and automatically assume your child is regressing or your therapy is ineffective.

Remember that it’s like starting over in many ways. They are experiencing the world around them with new senses. While in survival mode, your child was incapable of learning some of the tools necessary for coping with everyday situations. After substantial progress is made in the way they process sensory input, they are now open to understand and practice these skills for the first time. But it does take patience.

Maybe they just found their voice and are starting to express extreme likes and dislikes, or preferences for people and activities. Maybe they are so curious they are asking incessant questions about every sentence that comes out of your mouth. Perhaps they are touching things more, or having a new kind of tantrum when they don’t get their way. Take a step back and remember this is all new.

Last night my son was in his room and I started hearing unearthly screams from behind the closed door, each swelling louder than the last, with increasing frustration. He was trying to make something work that wasn’t cooperating. My first instinct as a mother was to run in and comfort him and perhaps even correct the problem; I hated hearing him so upset! There was also a part of me that was flinching with each piercing scream, and I admittedly had control the urge to yell even louder to get him to stop.

Either action would have been a true disservice to him. What I needed to do was sit with him and explain what happens when we let ourselves get that frustrated with things. I needed to teach him a manageable protocol for dealing with those feelings, before they get to the point where he’s breaking items because he can’t get it them function correctly.

I made it clear that it was always okay for him to feel whatever he was feeling, but that there were other things he could do to deal with those feelings. We talked about how to handle it when something isn’t working – not continuing to do the same thing repeatedly (only harder), but to stop, take five deep breaths and either ask for help or start asking questions. What am I not seeing? Is there another way to do this? If it can’t be done, can I be okay with that? Can mom help? Should I call for her?

Social stories and visual cues are great tools – it’s a good time to revisit some past attempts that may or may not have been successful for you before. My son and I started employing American Sign Language and certain codes from the police and fire scanner to alert each other that it’s time to use one of our new behaviors. As often as possible, I lead him to try and work out the progression on his own instead of solely giving him exact instructions.

It’s a new and exciting time when this kind of progress is made. It’s also easy to have expectations about coping skills and behaviors you assume should come with that progress. It’s my experience that I can always use a “refresher course” on the very things I’m teaching my son for the first time.

How about you? What are some behaviors you’ve mistaken for regression? What are some ways you worked through them with your child? I’d love to hear your stories, so please comment below or post them on my Facebook page so we can help each other!