spirit of autism holiday stress

Holidays and Autism: Help Your Child Stress Less

spirit of autism holiday stressChristmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

As beautiful an image as this conjures up, this isn’t always the same Christmas experience felt by children on the Autism spectrum, especially those with sensory processing issues. Although the idea of gifts, snow and yummy treats sound exciting to your ASD child, the holiday experience can be extremely overwhelming. Rather than soft and beautiful, it could look and sound more like this to your child:

So what can you do to help alleviate your child’s holiday stress? Here are some common causes of holiday anxiety and what to do about them.

Over the top decorations. Flashing lights, musical wreaths, tinsel everywhere… it’s a Christmas wonderland to you but it could be a Christmas nightmare for your child.

Before choosing the blinky, flashy (stroke-inducing) light strings, you can first take your child to the store or to someone else’s home to see how they respond to similar decorations. Get them involved in the process, too! Allow them to interact with the decorations and help choose where they will go. It also helps to decorate in stages over the course of a week rather than having your house suddenly go from the safe haven your child knows to an overwhelming environment.

Family gatherings and routine disruptions. Whether you’re having company or going to a relative’s for holiday festivities, both involve a disruption to the schedule you worked so hard to keep with your child. Visual schedules and social stories can prepare for this disruption and help your child know what to expect.

If you’re having company, make sure your child has a quiet space to retreat to. Explain to relatives and other children that your child is in “quiet time” (not the same as time out!) and will come out when he or she is ready to play again. If the quiet space is your child’s room, consider having a special sign that can be hung on the doorknob that alerts visitors that “do not disturb time” is in progress.

If you’re going to someone else’s home, have an exit strategy! From personal experience I will tell you – DO NOT rely on anyone else for a ride home if your child has had enough for the day. Work with the host to establish a quiet space ahead of time and let the other guests know that regular breaks may be needed for your child. You also may want to pack some back up foods in case you have a picky eater or a child with food allergies. I’m about to experience this with a sibling I haven’t seen in almost a decade. He decided to have a big family ham dinner when we arrive in NY. I have one picky teen that eats four SPECIFIC foods only (none of which are on the menu), one with extreme food sensitivities, and then there’s me, who no longer eats meat or animal products. Should be an interesting gathering :)

Gift confusion. Does your family put gifts under the tree before the big day? If so, you may find a surprise – your child may open them early, and they may open everyone’s! Prepare your child for family gift traditions. Let your child play Santa and hand out the gifts to all the guests and family members – a busy mind and hands help keep temptation to open early at bay! Also, if your family takes turns opening (not everyone annihilating the packages at once), passing around a special ornament will help signal to your child whose turn it is.

Your child turns into a whirling dervish during travel. Yes, this has happened to me. In fact, before social media was popular, a certain airline actually asked us NEVER TO RETURN when we deboarded the plane. It was insane.

Driving has also been challenging. Although I am more in control of stops, breaks and other issues during a road trip, it can still  go awry (and has). Here are some things that really saved my bacon:

  • Noise blocking headphones for the trip
  • Personal audio headphones for a handheld game system, portable DVD player, iPad or laptop
  • Approved snacks and drinks that didn’t contribute to hyperactivity and digestive issues
  • A visual schedule of what to expect once we arrived and during our stay
  • A few sensory “fidget” items for him to calm himself with
  • A nature app, DVD, or CD to play at the hotel at night for winding down
  • Frequent stops to get out and stretch

Next week I am driving my children to New York/New Jersey from Atlanta. That’s 12-14 hours, depending on food, bathroom and stretching breaks. You can bet your sweet bippy I’ll be packing all of these things and employing many of the tips I’m sharing with you!

Over to you. What holiday tips keep the stress level down in your Autism household? Share by commenting below!

For the Mom Who…

…has to drive her infant around at 2 in the morning because being in a moving car is the only way he will go back to sleep.

…sometimes cooks three separate meals for dinner because her picky eater will only have pizza – but the crust has to be right, it can’t be too cheesy, the pepperoni better not be the spicy kind and there can’t be too much sauce. Oh and definitely not the sauce that is too sweet or has any green stuff in it.

…on some days actually falls asleep standing in the shower.

…most likely has read “Goodnight Moon” to her child at least 6, 947 times and still does the funny voices.

…gave up grown-up music in the car for about ten years in favor of Kidz Bop, Disney, and Pokemon CDs.

…can fix her child’s toys or computer, put together a shelving unit, replace worn appliance parts, mow the lawn, and still remove splinters with the precision of a surgeon.

…wants so badly to fix everything for her children but knows she must stand by and let them have the experience on their own.

…will be there to help pick up the pieces when they don’t quite get it right the first time, and encourage them to try again.

…always makes sure the house is never completely out of any grocery item, and the lunchboxes and coffee are always ready in the morning, without exception.

…simply doesn’t have time to be sick. Ever.

…has to endure the glares of people that think she simply doesn’t spank her special needs child enough when he’s having sensory meltdowns in public.

…eats the burnt toast so everyone else can enjoy their breakfast and nothing has to be wasted.

…sometimes cries when no one’s looking.

…knows that her children are here to teach her, too.

…gets up every single day and does what needs to be done no matter what kind of mood she’s in.

…accepts that right now it’s okay that her child with Autism is 10 and still needs help showering, using the bathroom, dressing, and brushing his teeth. She performs these tasks with grace.

…celebrates every success, large or small, and takes nothing for granted.

…knows that her children love her, but sometimes wishes they would show it a little more. However, she doesn’t require it to keep her heart open.

…goes to bat for her children, unconditionally, because their success is non-negotiable.

…always encourages her children to be their unique and authentic self.

…realized early on that there’s no turning back – this is a lifetime job and it isn’t for weenies.

…still knows how to dance with confidence, even if it’s in her living room. On the coffee table.

…learned long ago that the workload will never be “even” or “fair,” and that’s okay.

…considers the simplest pleasures a big deal, because life is precious and all we really have is the now.

…knows that her children chose her before coming to this crazy, adventurous place, and she is grateful.

…remembers that shining her light and being her true self is the greatest gift she can give to her children, for it inspires them to do the same.

…simply does her best, because there is no manual for this gig!

I salute you. All of you. Single moms, married moms, “unplanned” moms, adoptive moms, older moms, teenage moms, special needs moms…we have a bond – a circle – that is unbreakable. You are all amazing – don’t wait for others to honor you. Celebrate and honor yourself and the successes that YOU create.

Happy Mother’s Day!

What about you? Post some other “for the Mom who…” sentences below or share them on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

Spring Fever – Time to Get the Body Moving!

I am learning from my mistakes. Hey, that’s better than continuing a pattern for an indefinite amount of time, unwilling to look at what may or may not be working, right?

My son, being an unschooler for a little over six months, is very much out of shape. Oh, I know the reason. He spends the better part of his day programming video games (not playing them – WRITING them!). Because of his obsession and brilliance, he currently isn’t interested in joining the rest of the world.

Without turning this into an unschooling article, there is a certain degree of “deschooling” a child will go through when first realizing they are not being forced to memorize things they have no interest in. Picture having been restricted from a certain food group for years and years and suddenly you are told you can eat whatever you want WHENEVER you want – what do you think you would do? Eat all your favorite foods to excess, most likely! Then your body would realize it could have them at any time, and the pendulum would start forming a natural balance – you would find a nice rhythm to your eating. By the way, your body is way smarter than your fad diet, but that’s a post for another day!

The situation

Here’s the missing key in my house right now: my son will spend hours programming games and then get these uncontrollable bursts of energy that have no choice but to be released in the fastest and loudest way possible. He usually shapeshifts into a whirling dervish and runs the length of the house several times, screaming and hitting everything in his path. Not angrily, just energetically :)

Sure, his body is taking care of the regulation of this energy, but not in a productive way. Typically this will result in dogs or sister lashing out at him for inappropriate agitation, followed by the lowering of his self-esteem because he doesn’t understand what everyone’s so upset about.

Having done a successful Fitness 4 Autism program with him in the past, I am kind of ashamed that I let things go this direction for so long. At times I switch into survival mode, when I am balancing a ridiculous amount of things on my oversized, superwoman plate. But that’s okay, all we have is the now and here’s what I’m committing to:

The solution

Short chunks of regular movement breaks. One of my greatest motivation tools for Justin is a timer. Whenever he is resistant to any activity (tooth brushing, taking out the trash) I turn it around and make it a game. I tell him he’s not faster than me, and we have a friendly race doing whatever it is that needs to be done. So we will set a timer and perform animal crawls, star jumps, and similar short bursts of full body movements. Functional exercises for short periods of time are great for everyone, not just children on the Autism Spectrum!

Family field day. Sandbell tossing, hurdles, jumps, even sack races… there is nothing wrong with a little family competition! We’ll even get the dogs involved (Malamutes LOVE to pull things!). I am making the ribbons tomorrow – very excited!

Replace the mini trampoline. It’s been a while since our old one broke. Why have I never replaced it?  This is a good object to always have available to alleviate any short bursts that come unexpectedly.

Weekly yoga. There are so many benefits to practicing yoga, especially for Autism. We both loved doing this in the past – once again it’s funny how bad habits seem to have much easier “sticking” power than things that are good for us!

Exploring new parks. We are very fortunate to live in a county that has over 120 parks and recreation centers. Why are we sitting at home? Time to say no to some of those freelance clients that need things yesterday, turn off Law & Order (love me some Vincent D’Onofrio!), put the iPhone on airplane mode and go PLAY. We can even make a park rating document and map – why not turn it into “research”?

How does regular movement really help?

It’s been proven that children (and adults!) perform better after they’ve moved around. Regular physical activity helps your child:

  • Maintain focus for longer periods
  • Feel better about himself and his abilities
  • Put multiple commands together with cues
  • Confidently participate in new things
  • Get in better shape

Fitness boosts confidence, independence, and self-esteem, plus it teaches goal setting. Speech targets, communication, and behavioral targets can also be incorporated into your daily movement breaks. Remember, no expensive, large equipment is needed!

This is my Spring commitment to my children and myself. I set an example daily with the intense early morning workouts I do at home; however they never see me simply moving for fun, other than walking the dogs.

Join me in this Spring movement… “movement”. Remember, sharing this goal with your child will benefi­t the entire family – it sets everyone up for long-term health and fi­tness. Tell me how you plan to move more with your child by commenting below or sharing it on the SOA Facebook page! I love fresh ideas!

Mommy’s Love Donation

I always do my best to provide a positive, supportive and loving environment for my children. If you’ve read anything I’ve posted over the Social Web you know that I celebrate them as often as possible. Yet, at times, their self-image suffers.

My son is especially verbal about it. If I ask him to stop touching something in a store, or stop screaming in the living room, he immediately defaults to a mantra of, “I’m stupid. I’m dumb. I hate myself.” This is usually accompanied by smacking or punching himself in the head.

It kills me to see this.

I know that some of it is the effects of the turbulent trip to single parenting, and much of it is the rest of the world not quite comprehending what Sensory Integration issues he experiences with his Autism. His formative years were certainly laden with getting in trouble for “bad behavior” from teachers, daycare providers, churches, day camps, sports teams, and at times his own immediate family.

I have tried so many responses to this self-deprecating mantras, hoping to “fix” his self-esteem. (Any mother would think she has this power, ha!) From logical reasoning – pointing out his report card grades so he clearly can’t think he’s stupid – to begging him not to think that to good ol’ fashioned Italian-Jewish mom guilt (it really hurts Mommy when you say those things!)… nothing seemed to budge these repetitions. I’ve even desperately threatened mild punishments! But then he would just think it and be afraid to say it, so clearly that isn’t a solution.

We are working on some EFT sessions about this, but in the meantime I had the most profound experience one day with him. I was walking him into school as usual and I asked him to stop lifting the back of my shirt. Out came the usual, “I’m stupid. I hate myself.” Instead of my normal knee-jerk “how many times do we have to go over this” response, magical words escaped my lips!

“Justin, I know you don’t always feel like you love yourself. I’ll tell you what. I’m going to give you some of MY love to keep, because you seem to be running low right now. See, Mommy’s love never runs out and my heart always makes more, so it’s ok if I give you some.”

I proceeded to take an imaginary energy ball from my heart and handed it to him, where he promptly swallowed it like his favorite video game character, Yoshi would. I told him that anytime he was feeling stupid he could most certainly have some more of my love, because I always have some to spare just for him.

I will never forget the spring in his step I witnessed as he walked to class. Perhaps a little donation was all he needed.