Tag Archives: spirit of autism

When Connections Are Made

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One of the most perplexing characteristics of Autism that manifests in my son is his lack of ability to put together cause-and-effect connections. Because he is so ridiculously brilliant and advanced academically, it is easy for me to overlook typical actions such as burning his hand on the stove and then touching it again without pause, or messing with the dogs, getting snapped at (or even bit), and then repeating the behavior minutes later. He is perpetually surprised by a repeat consequence and often has no idea that he caused it.

Here is a normal evening scene in my house: I’m in the living room working on the computer, my daughter is on the couch drawing, and my son is in his room designing video games on his laptop. Suddenly he gets a surge of energy that MUST be burned off immediately, comes running down the hall and stops an inch and a half from my ear, then lets out a screaming phrase at his loudest volume.

I have had an array of responses to this, trying my best to reprogram the behavior and teach a lesson without losing my composure. I’m not very good at it.  From the gentle, “Sweetie please don’t do that” to “That hurts Mommy” to the futile “How would you like it if…”, I have not gotten through to him that it is not acceptable to emit sounds at close range that exceed 125 dB. (I’m being facetious here, but according to this Decibel Chart pain begins at 125 dB!)

What usually occurs with these repeat offenses? I try the calm and logical approach first. And second. And tenth :) Then it escalates. Especially when I’m exhausted and have a work deadline to adhere to. Sometimes I plead with him (mistake). By the umpteenth time, I unload. It’s not right, but it happens sometimes. Most of the time it has the same effect as any of my other tactics: nothing. Zoom. Over the head. He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t care, he is doing what he needs to do.

Lately, since the onset of precocious puberty, yelling has started to evoke a reaction of sadness and embarrassment. Of course I don’t capitalize on shaming him in any way, but something has been getting through. This is a golden window of opportunity, as his mind is temporarily freed from the pattern and he is able to hear what I am saying. After the last incident, I immediately took him somewhere quiet and talked about what just happened. I started with an apology for yelling. He retreated into, “You hate me” and “I’m stupid”. I then explained that I love him ALWAYS – no matter what – but I don’t LIKE his yelling in my ear. I calmly and appropriately told him why I didn’t like the behavior, and asked for his help in coming up with a new rule that we can all live with. We now call the living room the “quiet room”. He is welcome to make loud noises in the back half of the house, but in the quiet room we speak in normal tones.

Something happened after that conversation. Five minutes later, he had another power surge and came running down the hall screaming. He stopped in the doorway of the living room, walked up to me, and said, “Hi, Mom” in a nice, respectable tone.

What did I do? I told him I was very proud of him, did I high five, and made a big deal out of his conscious new behavior. You might think that makes me a foo-foo, new-agey, namby-pamby mom that celebrates when their child merely shows up for something. No. This is Autism. This is a connection. This is a MILESTONE.

I am not advocating that you perpetually get to the yelling stage and then backpaddle out of it like I did. But in this case I believe it shook something loose and got his attention. When I yell, I never say ugly things, by the way. It’s always matter-of-fact and focused on the behavior, but it IS yelling nonetheless.

What I learned

Instead of getting to the explosive stage, like I did, how about doing something to break the pattern? Something that would have the same affect but without the negative connotation? Try ringing a bell, using a radically different vocal tone, standing on your head, or anything unexpected. This will redirect the current behavior and get your child’s attention.

Explain briefly what the offensive behavior is (your child often has no idea what they are doing wrong), and why it is not okay. This must be spoken in clear, concise terms, not emotionally or vague in any way. Avoid our human nature to ask, “How would you like it if…”. It is common for children with Autism to lack the necessary wiring to experience empathy naturally – the question will go nowhere.

Ask for your child’s help to come up with a fun new rule that would make everyone happy. Make it clear that everyone must follow the rule. Bonus if you express a behavior that you are going to work on doing better as well!

This practice in my home has led to an increase in my son’s ability to start reading situations. Just the other day he came into the room and started bothering the dog, who immediately growled. For the first time ever he walked away and said, “Maybe he doesn’t like that.”

Yes!

What about you? What helps your child make connections? Share your thoughts by commenting below or posting on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

Product Review Part II: Step Ahead of Autism

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After reading Step Ahead of Autism by Anne Moore Burnett, I felt that the stories and tools provided were so thorough and practical that I had to break up my review into two segments.

This is Part II of my review.

Steps Six through Eight

In each step Anne shares a part of her story and then turns her experience into practical tips and exercises for us to practice immediately.

Step six is ADVOCATE. Here is where we journey with Anne into her first IEP meeting experience, which wasn’t smooth by any means. She openly and courageously shared how she was caught off guard, how she took her power back, and how she successfully created the right support system for her son.

This chapter also offers a complete IEP Checklist, so we can learn from her experiences and show up to our own IEP meetings armed with the right resources and tools. Bravo!

Step seven is ASSESS YOUR ATTITUDE. Don’t let this short chapter fool you – it’s just as packed with nuggets of wisdom as the more lengthy ones. The biggest takeaway here is best said in the “Exercises” section:

A positive attitude enables you to look at what appears to be an impossible situation and find alternative ways to make it work.

She also explains how neurotypical children fuss when their basic needs (like structure and routine) aren’t met, but children with Autism actually suffer pain and discomfort. This is yet another simple key into the lives and minds of our little angels. She also reminds us to steer clear of pessimists and negative thinkers (a great outlook for all of us, not just special needs parents!). As the Law of Attraction guru Andy Dooley recently shared in his Atlanta workshop, “Don’t let people coerce you onto the Bi**h Train, do what it takes to stay on the Bliss Train!”

Step eight is ASSERT YOUR AUTHORITY. Boy did I relate to this chapter, as my own son is currently going through puberty as well. I learned some more about what is going on inside his body and how to truly listen to my intuition, despite what the naysayers in my life may proclaim.

Anne again graciously shares some of her less-than-stellar decisions and reactions, which helped me feel a lot better for being human. (I AM human, right?)

The doctor described how puberty is like a fire alarm going off inside your body, and how in children with Autism it amplifies sounds, smells, and crowded spaces, which can and DO reignite old behaviors. When our children endure these magnified senses all day they must have an outlet at the end of the day to release the stress.

To make your child most comfortable in their environment will help them flourish. This may mean looking at different options for school, homeschooling, or other major changes. Follow your heart, and don’t let complacency, fear, and lack of motivation squash your authority. I am currently in complacency with my own situation, and because of this chapter I was able to recognize it and start making calls about some new supports for Justin.

Step nine is DELEGATE. In this chapter, the author comes to the realization that she hadn’t been very active in ministering to her own needs because she was so focused on her child. Her tales of isolation due to public experiences with her child as well as judgment and questioning from others hit a very sore spot with me. I’ve been a single mom for eight years, so I very much related to not trusting others, feeling judged frequently, and doing everything myself. Chapter nine inspired me to merely consider opening my world (scary!) to others, including other caretakers and other parents.

Step ten is ASPIRE. Programs like drama, art and music helped tap into the right brain of Anne’s son, which slowly softened the rigid edges associated with Autism. He also became part of a swim team, which grew him to be a part of a group, yet it still met his needs for a manageable world of synchronized order.

The biggest message in this chapter is to find the balance between not hiding your child’s diagnosis but not letting it stand in the way of their progress. If we focus on the positive gifts our children possess, benchmarks will be reached and celebrated. Even independence may not be out of reach.

Anne wraps up this masterpiece with real life examples of how she put the steps into practice, letting us see that these tools are practical and tangible.  She helps us determine our own milestones and gauges for success, and gives us permission to continually reassess along the way. That’s really what it’s all about – the journey.

Anne has a website that offers much more in the way of resources, connections, and coaching. She also lays out the steps on how to start your own Step Ahead of Autism support group to help find strength, joy and encouragement with others on this path.

I’d love for you to share what you thought of this book by commenting below or posting on the SOA Facebook page!

It’s My Birthday!

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It‘s my Birthday!!

And guess what…

today I’m giving YOU the gift!

In celebration of turning… um… 21+ and the upcoming release of my new eBook, 30 Ways to Get Your Child with Autism to Go To Sleep, I’m giving you a F.REE copy of my mini-book!

Click the photo to download Aut-spirations, a collection of inspiring thoughts, quotes, tips, and perspectives from Spirit of Autism’s Debi Taylor. It’s guaranteed to uplift you about parenting a special needs child.

Full of little nuggets and observations, you’ll find sections on:

Gratitude…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..3
Wisdom ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………5
Tips…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..9
Inspiration ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………14
Humor……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..17
Perspective ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..21

Enjoy this gift, and please feel free to pass it on to anyone that lives, works, and plays with someone on the Autism Spectrum! You can also hop on over to the Spirit of Autism Facebook page and wish me a Happy Birthday if you feel inspired to ; )

You’ve Heard of Gluten Free for Autism, but What the Heck is Casein?

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Many children on the Autism Spectrum have benefited greatly from a gluten free diet. Gluten and gluten-like proteins are found in wheat and other grains as well as foods made from those grains. They are also found in food starches, semolina, couscous, malt, some vinegars, soy sauce, flavorings, and artificial colors.

What is Casein?

Casein (from the Latin word for cheese) is a protein found in milk and dairy products. Four types of casein protein make up about 80% of all proteins in cow’s milk.

Casein can be broken down into casomorphin, a peptide fragment with opiate qualities, which may increase the release of histamine.

Many children with Autism may have gastrointestinal difficulties that make it hard for them to digest milk protein properly. The most common effect studied is that ingesting milk protein leads to high levels casomorphines in some Autistic children. Affecting behavior like a drug would, casomorphines reduce their desire for social interaction, block pain messages, and increase confusion and spatial issues.

Casomorphines are more commonly found in the urine of children with Autism than their neurotypical peers. Some scientists have concluded that they leak straight from the intestines into the bloodstream.  “Leaky gut” means the casomorphin is  absorbed into the general circulation in children with Autism, which then affects behavior as well as causes addiction to these very foods that are causing the issues.

What happens when it is removed?

If milk protein is taken out of the diet, the idea is that this will reduce the level of casomorphines, and behavior will improve as a result. In our house, there is instantaneous feedback when a milk product is accidentally ingested. He becomes a whirling dervish for hours – screaming, crashing into things, and usually getting into major tangles with the dogs.

Like the gluten free diet, parents who choose a casein free diet for their child must become aware of the ingredients of everything in their grocery cart. Products that contain milk or milk proteins include butter, cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. Read labels carefully, because milk or mild products can be present in surprising places, like soy yogurt or sausages. Maintaining this diet can be hard at first because casein is present in so many prepared foods.

On food ingredient labels, casein can be listed as milk protein, calcium or sodium-caseinate, often found in energy bars, drinks and processed foods. Since casein is such an excellent binding agent, it is usually also found in dressings, sauces and spreads.

What are some alternatives?

Some milk alternatives are soy milk, rice milk, almond milk, or coconut milk. Many children with gluten and casein sensitivities can have issues with soy as well, so I recommend avoiding it.

Cheese is the hardest food to substitute – most of the rice and soy cheeses we’ve tried simply get a thumbs-down from my son.

Coconut milk has been reported to be one of the best choices, since coconut milk is anti-bacterial, anti-fungal and anti-viral and has a positive effect on the gut. In our house, the So Delicious coconut milk ice cream line is a MUST HAVE!

Does your child have issues with casein? What are your favorite alternatives? Let me know by commenting below or posting them on the SOA Facebook page!

Is Your Child With Autism Oversensitive to Touch?

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Many children on the Autism Spectrum experience Sensory Processing issues. The best way to describe SPD is from Wikipedia: a neurological disorder causing difficulties with taking in, processing and responding to sensory information about the environment and from within the own body (visual, auditory, tactile, olfaction, gustatory, vestibular and proprioception).

Being oversensitive to touch is a tactile disorder – specifically dealing with input from touch, pressure, temperature, and pain receptors.

Although my son can simultaneously exhibit over- and under sensitivity to all things regarding touch (example: laying a hand on his shoulder to comfort him will cause him to recoil in pain, yet he frequently craves and seeks ‘bear hugs’), these symptoms below are very familiar to us.

Does your child show any of these signs of tactile dysfunction?

__ Becomes fearful or aggressive with light or unexpected touch

__ Did not like to be held or cuddled as a baby; would arch back and pull away

__ Will not let you brush his/her hair, or insist you use a particular brush

__ Resists most affectionate touch, especially kisses

__ Raindrops or water from the shower may feel like being pelted with stones

__ May overreact to minor cuts and scrapes

__ Issues with new or stiff clothes, especially jeans, sweaters, and other rough materials

__ Refuses to wear socks because of seams

__ Can’t stand getting hands dirty or participating in messy play

__ Extremely ticklish

__ Distressed by clothes rubbing on skin; takes clothes off as soon/often as possible

__ Hygiene issues: distressed about having face washed, hair cut, teeth brushed and nails clipped

__ Trips to the dentist are very anxiety-ridden

__ Is an extremely picky eater, only eating certain tastes and textures; avoids hot or cold foods and trying new foods

How do you help your child?

Here are some sensory exercises that can be done at home:

  • Finger painting with shaving cream or pudding (never force your child to touch something “messy” if they are not willing – let them use a paintbrush or utensil)
  • Sandbox play – or make an indoor sandbox with dried beans and rice
  • Playdough or clay (here is a Gluten-free recipe for playdough)
  • Let your child drink plain seltzer to experience bubbles in his mouth
  • Have a costume dress up party to let your child experiment with different material textures
  • Popsicles!
  • Repot some indoor plants or start a small garden
  • Play salon: have your child “groom” their favorite stuffed animal or doll and then trade places
  • Feather tickling
  • Play “guess the letter” by writing on your child’s back with your finger
  • Human tacos – wrap your child in a blanket and leave a small opening to add “toppings” – shredded newspaper for lettuce, bouncy balls for olives, a wet washcloth to apply taco sauce (water only, please!), etc. Bonus: use a yoga ball to press the taco into a quesadilla!

What other sensory activities do you enjoy at home? Let me know by commenting below or posting on the SOA Facebook page – I’d love to hear your successes!

Autism + Puberty = Oh, Crap!

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Got your attention, didn’t I?

We’ve been in a great rhythm for a while now, and it’s been glorious. Rituals and routines: check. Handy sensory tools to take to outings: check. Restricted diet: check. Digestive enzymes: check. Pre-meltdown signs identified and used to head him off at the pass: check.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the pants my 9 year-old son was wearing just a few days earlier were suddenly three inches too short. Did I use the wrong drier setting…? Then I saw acne. Then peach fuzz above his lip.

“Honey? Your voice sounds funny – are you coming down with a cold? Feeling okay?”

Then it hit me like a brick to the back of the head: big P, here we come.

Having a daughter first that went through full puberty at 8 (ACK!) I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about: I thought I had it in the bag. Easy – whiny, emotional, easily irritated, overreacting to things – then a smooth ride until the following month. Of course boys are different, but when you add precocious puberty with a splash of Autism you get an interesting cocktail. The hormones seem to sneak in and reconfigure many of the connections we’ve worked so hard to attain.

What to expect

Unexpected rage over small incidents. Proper magnitude of a situation was always an issue with us. We’ve really come a long way learning appropriate responses, but with some of these reactions it’s as if we’re now starting all over again.

Sleep schedule run amok. There has been a magnified wave of insomnia in our house, followed by 15-16 hour stretches of sleep for no apparent reason. Our old rituals and occasional use of melatonin are now ineffective.

New food likes / dislikes and  bizarre cravings. Good thing I went to Sam’s Club and bought a giant, industrial-sized box of his favorite snack food… that he suddenly hates :) Ugh. I caught him spreading Nutella on a dog biscuit the other day and slapped it out of his hands in panic! The good news? He’s trying new foods. It’s all about perspective. <Kidding – no child in my house eats dog biscuits!!

Lack of appetite followed by devouring a week’s worth of groceries. I know this one is not unique to children on the Spectrum, it’s part of having a t(w)een boy.  I still found myself quite financially unprepared for living with Garfield. Anyone know a good Gluten-Free lasagna recipe?

Being overly affectionate. This is a sticky-wicket, especially because I’m a single mom. There have been some shockingly inappropriate… acts of curiosity… that I’ve swiftly nipped in the bud! I will probably need some more assistance with this topic, however, as my expertise ends with Judy Blume books and creating the perfect chocolate/salt balance about three days out of the month. Calling all male role models… help! STAT!

Exhibiting desires to control family members and pets. For some reason, my boy is getting some sort of payoff from cornering me or his sister and not letting us pass through a room, blocking us from getting something in the kitchen, and mildly terrorizing the puppy. There is an underlying theme for the sudden desire to be the “capo di famiglia” (head of household). Yeah… that’s not gonna happen. Thank you, drive through!

No desire to keep up hygiene. Both my kids exhibited this strange behavior at the onset of puberty. It takes an Act of Congress to get them into the shower more than once a week. I simply can’t relate… but I have to stick to my guns.

Regression of old behaviors. Some of the old impulsivity is rearing its ugly head, along with stimming, toileting accidents, and blurting out loud noises. It really feels as if he is choosing this behavior; it has a deliberate tone to it. However, when disciplined he is honestly surprised that he is in trouble and is truly not sure what he did. The difference now is that he internalizes it and tells everyone he’s stupid. That’s not good.

What do you do?

Open communication. The number one thing you can do is make sure your child feels safe to talk about anything with you. With Autism, you may hear questions and perspectives you’ve never encountered in this arena. It’s so important to keep an open dialogue about what he is experiencing, this will set a solid foundation that will hold up any future issues and surprises with grace.

Rinse and repeat. It takes time to create new habits. 21 consecutive days, actually. Don’t expect your child to embrace these new hormones and feelings without some confusion and resistance. Remain patient and be prepared to explain, instruct, and remind your child about virtually everything. You will be repeating yourself, so get used to it :)

Gently establish new routines and rituals. Don’t cry over what used to work. Life is meant to be fluid. I used to feel like such a failure when I couldn’t command a successful routine 100% of the time. Now my attitude is, “We’re going to try this for a while and see how it goes.” If it stops working, we make small course changes. It took me almost 40 years to learn that small, consistent adjustments make a much more profound impact than the extreme and rigid ways I would try to enforce a schedule I thought “should” work. Not to mention all the energy expended feeling bad about my “shoulds”. Now that energy is freed and I can focus on our next step. The flow is so much nicer!

Exercise! Physical movement is always a priority, but it’s really critical during puberty. We start off each morning with Superbrain Yoga. Since I work out every morning for my own sanity, my son will sometimes mimic what I’m doing (or his version of it). There are currently no structured sports or activities in our repertoire, so walks with the dog, back yard exploring, and regular trips to the neighborhood bouncy house definitely help. When the weather gets a little less infernal we will be trying some more challenging activities.

Find a creative outlet. If you have a child with Autism, I’m sure you are no stranger to their current obsession. Rather than meeting it with resistance because YOU think the interest is excessive, try expanding on it. For example, my child lives, breathes, and eats Super Mario Brothers. We’ve found a computer program that goes above and beyond playing the various games: he gets to create custom levels. He puts them to music, assigns characters, powers, scenes, dialogue, and criteria to his games like he’s been designing all his life. What an awesome gift!

Establish ‘mommy time’ boundaries. Now more than ever it is imperative that you carve out sacred time for yourself. You may feel selfish and neglectful when you first attempt this, especially if you work. But the benefits are two-fold: you are getting a much needed and deserved break to replenish your spirit, and you are teaching your child how to do the same for himself. Making sure you are balanced and happy is the greatest gift you can give your entire family.

Celebrate the good choices. No matter how small you think it is, it’s a big deal that your child is able to make a connection, follow a thought, and make a positive choice. You may feel as if your child is too old, but throwing a verbal party when you catch him being good will really shift unwanted behaviors quickly!

What about you? Have you ventured down this path yet? What things helped you tame the beast? Feel free to share by commenting below or posting on the SOA Facebook page – I’d love to hear your stories!

Bad Behavior or Shedding Old Skin?

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Have you experienced some exciting, big changes in your child with Autism after an intensive therapy program? Did you find that shortly after you noticed great progress you were also witnessing some less than desirable behaviors?

When you start to “retrain” the brain, It’s like peeling layers of an onion and getting your child closer to their true self. Being previously veiled by sensory overload and expending most of their energy simply trying to navigate through day-to-day experiences, your child is most likely now starting to take interest in people rather than objects, become curious, and feel many emotions for the first time. Do they know how to deal with these emotions? Probably not!

You may start to see some challenging (and downright ugly) behaviors and automatically assume your child is regressing or your therapy is ineffective.

Remember that it’s like starting over in many ways. They are experiencing the world around them with new senses. While in survival mode, your child was incapable of learning some of the tools necessary for coping with everyday situations. After substantial progress is made in the way they process sensory input, they are now open to understand and practice these skills for the first time. But it does take patience.

Maybe they just found their voice and are starting to express extreme likes and dislikes, or preferences for people and activities. Maybe they are so curious they are asking incessant questions about every sentence that comes out of your mouth. Perhaps they are touching things more, or having a new kind of tantrum when they don’t get their way. Take a step back and remember this is all new.

Last night my son was in his room and I started hearing unearthly screams from behind the closed door, each swelling louder than the last, with increasing frustration. He was trying to make something work that wasn’t cooperating. My first instinct as a mother was to run in and comfort him and perhaps even correct the problem; I hated hearing him so upset! There was also a part of me that was flinching with each piercing scream, and I admittedly had control the urge to yell even louder to get him to stop.

Either action would have been a true disservice to him. What I needed to do was sit with him and explain what happens when we let ourselves get that frustrated with things. I needed to teach him a manageable protocol for dealing with those feelings, before they get to the point where he’s breaking items because he can’t get it them function correctly.

I made it clear that it was always okay for him to feel whatever he was feeling, but that there were other things he could do to deal with those feelings. We talked about how to handle it when something isn’t working – not continuing to do the same thing repeatedly (only harder), but to stop, take five deep breaths and either ask for help or start asking questions. What am I not seeing? Is there another way to do this? If it can’t be done, can I be okay with that? Can mom help? Should I call for her?

Social stories and visual cues are great tools – it’s a good time to revisit some past attempts that may or may not have been successful for you before. My son and I started employing American Sign Language and certain codes from the police and fire scanner to alert each other that it’s time to use one of our new behaviors. As often as possible, I lead him to try and work out the progression on his own instead of solely giving him exact instructions.

It’s a new and exciting time when this kind of progress is made. It’s also easy to have expectations about coping skills and behaviors you assume should come with that progress. It’s my experience that I can always use a “refresher course” on the very things I’m teaching my son for the first time.

How about you? What are some behaviors you’ve mistaken for regression? What are some ways you worked through them with your child? I’d love to hear your stories, so please comment below or post them on my Facebook page so we can help each other!

How to Celebrate the Child You Have

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“Motherhood (and Fatherhood) is about raising – and celebrating – the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that s/he is exactly the person s/he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, s/he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” ~The Water Giver*

I saw this posted on the Facebook page of one of my favorite mentors, Janice Masters, and it inspired me to delve a bit further

and reflect on the quote as it relates to my own life.

After experiencing your child’s meltdown #42 for the week, have you ever caught yourself feeling envious of other parents? Having thoughts such as, “It must be nice to be able to go to a restaurant with your child!” or “I really wish I could travel with my children – other people get to go on vacation!” Maybe you’ve gone so far as to wonder what your life would be like if your child was (gulp) “normal”.

After these thoughts take residence in your head, have you also been consumed by guilt shortly afterward as I have? First of all, do NOT beat yourself about it! These thoughts are completely understandable when you have a special needs child. It does not mean you don’t love your child or that you wish he were someone else. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, even if you occasionally feel you’ve been robbed of the child-rearing experience you were hoping for.

However, since an expectation is often a resentment waiting to happen, we do sometimes need to give our perspective a little shake and examine how often these thoughts are dominating our mind.

Please know I am not saying it is not challenging to parent a child on the Autism spectrum. Believe me! But maybe if you tried on a couple of different views for size – see how they feel – some aspects of the way you interact with your child might shift.

(in honor of Janice, ask yourself) What if…

  • You were to give yourself permission to feel your feelings and observe your thoughts – all of them? Could you then release them after acknowledging them?
  • You were to look for the gift amidst the challenge?
  • You were to make a list of all the positive, amazing traits you see in your child?
  • You were to sit back and watch your child play, seeing how in tune they are with the present moment and their desires?
  • You were able to allow extra time in your schedule to dawdle and not rush so much?
  • You could loosen some of the traditional beliefs and values that no longer serve you and start some new traditions with your child that make sense for who you both are today?
  • You started capitalizing on your child’s strengths instead of focusing on correcting the perceived deficits?
  • You were to start going easier on yourself and begin to follow your own bliss?

I challenge you just take a few of these questions and see how they feel for you. Let me know if you notice any changes in your home by posting in the comments below or on my Facebook page – I’d LOVE to hear your experiences!

I’ll leave you with this:

“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.”

– Norman Vincent Peale

Are You Addicted to the Struggle?

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This is a little different than my normal posts… I’m going to be really transparent today. I seem to be stuck in overwhelm and exhaustion. Again. It made me start to wonder… am I addicted to struggle? In my mind, is there something noble about life being hard? Does it make me think I’m a better person when people constantly exclaim, “I don’t know how you do it all!” What exactly does this perpetuate for me?

The struggle.

I hang on to self-talk phrases such as “It’s so hard being a single parent!”, “I have to work multiple jobs just to make ends meet…”, “I have no help, I’m doing it all myself!”, and “I never get any down time, and I don’t even sleep.” Okay. These phrases are all true in my current reality. But do they have to be? After all, I create my reality. I can blame it on outside circumstances, but ultimately I am creating my day-to-day story.

I used to hear life coaches or gurus tell me to simply drop my story, or decide that things are easy and they will be… and I would get really ticked off. I would mutter, “Easy for you to say! YOU don’t have kids! You have someone helping you with the bills!” I thought it was rubbish. The more I open my heart, though, the more I am convinced that I’m addicted to this mindset. You know how I really know? It doesn’t matter if I am working full time, part time or if I just won the lottery (well, I’d like to test that one out for myself, ha ha!). My life would still run at this hectic pace no matter what my outward circumstances may be. I would fill my days with ridiculous deadlines, over-commit myself, and remain exhausted. It’s an inside job (ouch!).

I have this AMAZING book called Choosing Easy World by Julia Rogers Hamrick. It spells out the solution so simply and brilliantly – just choose Easy World and watch the stress and turmoil melt away as your problems are worked out effortlessly and joy abounds – if you let it. Yet, I lose this logic daily (hourly!) and find myself here again.

I do get reminders and moments of clarity like a brick to the back of the head – DOH! I’m making things difficult again with my mental gymnastics. Let go… give it to Easy World and it will work out perfectly. Yes, it’s really that simple. So why do I experience amnesia every day? Yep, I’m addicted to the struggle!

What does this have to do with Autism?

Have you ever watched your child with Autism play? They live in the present moment 100% of the time.  They’re happy. They enjoy doing what brings them happiness. It’s like they’re programmed to follow their bliss. This is the way we are supposed to be – all of us! There is a gift and a lesson here that we are in danger of missing if we’re too caught up in the story of struggle.

I receive amazing gifts and lessons from both my children daily, and I am there to guide and encourage them to be their best self. But what other lessons am I inadvertently passing on to my neuro-typical teen? Am I teaching her to live in the present, or does she pick up on my limiting thoughts by default? When I hear her say things like, “I’m worried we won’t have enough money”, “I’m stressed out,” and “Am I skinny enough?” my heart sinks. Those are not gifts I mean to leave behind! I am automatically teaching her about the struggle as well, whereas my Autistic child is too busy following his higher self and having fun! Hmmm.

So What Do You Do?

Well, I can’t really “preach” until I get at least one foot out of the struggle mentality (without perpetually putting it right back in, that is). Perhaps we can explore this together, and remind each other to take the express train back to Easy World when we’re caught up in the “What if” syndrome or the “It’s soooooo hard” mantra.

Watch your children while they play – they gravitate naturally toward their joy. Do more of that. Every day. Let me know how it goes by commenting below or posting on my Facebook page, and I’ll do the same!

You can start by following Julia’s advice: “Breathe, Relax, Allow” :)