spirit of autism loaf of bread

Autism Parenting: Are You Going to the Hardware Store for a Loaf of Bread?

spirit of autism loaf of breadThere is a really funny skit I remember from my childhood years of watching The Electric Company about sweet rolls.  It was a simple conversation between a waitress and a customer:

“A cup of coffee and a sweet roll.”

“We’re out of sweet rolls.”

“Glass of milk and a sweet roll?”

“We are… out of sweet rolls.”

“Iced tea and a sweet roll.”

“We are OUT of sweet ROLLS.”

“Orange juice and a sweet roll?”

“WE ARE OUT OF SWEET ROLLS!!!!”

(silence)

“Okay, then I’ll just have a sweet roll.”

It still makes me giggle, probably because it describes most of the people I interact with daily :)

Here’s the video if you need a memory jogger:

If you look at it from a different angle, in relation to how your Autistic child processes information, it can lift another veil in understanding and diffusing some of those frustrating moments.

How many times have you had to repeat a command or request to your child for what you perceive to be a simple and obvious task? If your house is like mine, it can sometimes be seven or eight, and then my patience can surpass simmer and go straight to a rolling boil. While it’s true children make you repeat yourself in general, consider that your Autistic child simply and honestly may not understand what you’re asking, nor do they know how to ask for clarification. Many times, if a question or statement isn’t understood by my son he will simply bypass it and move on as if it were a “File Not Found” error that automatically redirected to a new website.

Multiple commands are difficult to process. It took me a while to realize this and stop perceiving my son as being defiant.  Asking him to put on his socks and shoes, brush his teeth, and meet me in the car while I pour my morning coffee (the way I would process the morning’s rituals) would result in absolute shutdown.  I would most likely finish my tasks, expecting him to be diligently checking off the list I assigned him, and then find him on his Nintendo DS with none of the items completed.  Naturally at that point (after a minor litany of loud grumblings), I would also expect him to hurry through the list sharing my sense of urgency, understanding that we were now late.

It never happens that way.

Here’s the deal. He doesn’t process multiple commands. He doesn’t break his ritual or the order things should be done because I am yelling that we’re late. He doesn’t “just know” what comes next without being told. I can tell him we are out of sweet rolls until I’m shouting it, but he will still ask for them. Why? Because at this time, that is how his brain processes information. It is MY EXPECTATIONS of him that are causing the frustrations and meltdowns, not his behavior.

If I continue to repeat myself in these same fashions, doesn’t that mean I’m expecting him to do something he’s not capable of? Wouldn’t that be the same as going into a hardware store and asking for a loaf of bread? Would I keep asking the cashier over and over for bread, raising my voice and getting frustrated, or would I eventually figure out that I have to go to a different store to get what I need?

I learned the hard way that I can’t get mad at my child when I am expecting something from him based on the way I operate and think. Something he simply isn’t capable of. Boy do I love the mornings so much more now that I am looking for bread in the right store, and so does he!

BONUS tips for the morning:

  • Single commands (Put your socks on. Good. Now go brush your teeth. Great job!)
  • Predictable routines
  • Visual cues hanging in a central location that you can refer to
  • Laying out items the night before
  • Saving TV or games until after tasks are completed (still working on this one!)
  • Allowing extra time for zippers, buttons, etc.
  • Having races to see who finishes some of the tasks first
  • Using a timer – making it a fun game
  • Lots of positive reinforcement!

How often do your expectations cause communication breakdown with your child? Share your thoughts by commenting below!

Spirit of Autism Puberty

Puberty, Autism and Emotional Shutdowns

Spirit of Autism Puberty“The universe hates me!”

My son came stomping out of his room and collapsed onto the floor, heaving a huge sigh of frustration.

Unfortunately, this is not a new scene in my house, as I also have a 16-year old daughter. ‘Nuff said. But more importantly, puberty and autism can create a vicious cocktail that seems to bring on extremely magnified sensory issues, increased hyperactivity, regressive behaviors, and a whole lot of unexplained emotions. My boy just turned 12, but we started experiencing a profusion of puberty related issues as early as nine.

“The universe is incapable of hating, sweetie. What’s wrong?”

Evidently he had built a statue of his Minecraft skin in one of the game’s worlds and he told me that his friend destroyed it.  Minecraft is a unique multiplayer computer game where you learn survival skills and build custom worlds. The creative and building aspects of Minecraft allow players to build constructions out of textured cubes in a 3D world.

First and foremost, I was extremely proud of his ability to articulate to me that he was upset, the reason he was upset, and that he had worked very hard on the statue and it had taken him a long time. This is a HUGE milestone for us! But before we had a chance to begin talking about it, everything started going wrong for him. Everything he touched seemed to break or malfunction. He tried to pet the dogs and they ran away from him. His sister yelled at him for seemingly no reason.

I know from experience that when you have the “everything sucks” filter on, your experiences will follow suit. You know, like when you start out having a bad day it seems that your car won’t start, you spill coffee on yourself, you mess up a client proposal… have you ever had a day like that?

So the first thing I had to do was help diffuse his “universe hates me” perspective, starting with three deep and centering breaths together.

Delayed responses are another typical experience for Autistic children, and once I thought he was in a calmer place (about 30 minutes later), he started crying uncontrollably about the loss of his statue. It was that real guttural crying, too; I felt horrible. I consoled him and acknowledged that he felt upset that his statue was destroyed.

We then talked about choices. I told him he could either play one of his other favorite games (offline) to help get his mind off of it for now or he could choose to talk to his friend and tell him that his feelings were hurt. He could ask him why he destroyed the statue and open the lines of communication.

He had already removed his friend from his Skype list and blocked him from his server! His impulsivity coupled with an intensity of emotions he wasn’t accustomed to had caused him to overreact and shut down.

Once the tears were dry, we played a game called “5 Other Things”. I learned this gold nugget of a coping skill as a teenager and it’s never failed me. The idea is that it’s not what happens to us that causes emotional distress, rather our interpretation of it.  For instance, if a person doesn’t show up for a meeting with me I might immediately feel hurt and angry, assuming I had been blown off. This could rapidly lead to a barrage of negative thoughts: “Did they even INTEND to show up? Am I not good enough for a simple text or phone call letting me know? Who do they think they are?!” etc.

“5 Other Things” forces you to step outside of that neural pattern and look at some other possibilities for the event in question. Was there a family emergency? Are they simply running late? Car trouble? Did one of us write down the wrong day?

Naturally, if someone does this sort of thing to you regularly, “5 Other Things” is not the answer… getting a new friend is J

Being that my son didn’t SEE his statue being destroyed (it was simply gone when he logged back in to the server), we looked at some other possibilities:

  • Did another person playing on that server do it?
  • Did the game malfunction somehow?
  • Could his friend have accidentally done it?
  • Was the site hacked?
  • Did aliens land on earth and destroy all human forms of online entertainment? (Silly can be good if you’re trying to break neural patterns!)

“5 Other Things” worked! After some investigating (and a proven screenshot alibi of the suspect, ha!) he and his NOW UNBLOCKED friend discovered that the server crashed and the world was restored from an earlier version… before he had built the statue.

What a great learning opportunity this was for us! When puberty, autism and emotional shutdowns occur, we now have a blueprint:

  1. Take three deep breaths together
  2. Encourage him to share what is wrong, and praise him for being able to name it
  3. Help diffuse the “everything sucks” filter or mindset
  4. Acknowledge the feelings he is experiencing without judgment or criticism
  5. Play the “5 Other Things” game – without fear of getting a little silly!
SOA Gifts of Autism

The Gifts of Autism

I was recently sent a tweet from Ryan McTavish, a brilliant and talented drummer who also happens to be Autistic. He asked me to watch his talent show performance video to raise positive awareness for Autism. Being a musician myself, I was beyond blown away by the gifts of this young man.

Before going any further with my thoughts and musings, here is the video he sent me:

Amazing, right?

This video made me think more about the gifts of Autism. Of course I see them in my son every day; I brag about him all the time!

He used to play online games, and then one day he was messing around and pulled up the code for the game. He changed some formulas and scripts and said, “Look, Mom! When I change this to <blah blah blah numbers and letters I don’t understand> the background of the game changes!”

This spawned a creative interest that resulted in him writing his own custom video games, filming his screen while showing custom “tips and tricks” and posting it all on his YouTube channel as a tutorial.

Gifts vs. Deficits

I currently train Emergency Responders and businesses how to recognize, respond to and best communicate with people with Autism. I love this career I’ve created for myself and am blessed to be doing something that truly makes a difference in people’s lives.

The part I don’t like as much is that I have to stay somewhat focused on the deficits and challenges faced every day by those on the Spectrum. I educate on Sensory Processing issues, communication struggles, missed social cues, muscle development issues, and more.

It’s great that I’m bringing awareness and action into businesses and public safety. But what they don’t get to see are all the gifts I experience on a daily basis from raising my son.  They don’t know how kind and good-natured he is, or how innocently he views the world. He marches to his own beat and knows what is in his best alignment.

He sings and hums all day long. He gets on Skype and teaches new friends how to play and build in Minecraft. He hugs the dogs and tells them they’re beautiful. He always kills spiders for his terrified older sister, no matter how much she teased him or yelled at him minutes earlier. He offers the last cookie before taking it. He delights in taking walks and gets excited about Nutella sandwiches.

He sees the world so differently than I do, and I am grateful that I get to go into his world and catch glimpses of his perspective as often as I do.

Yes, I want to help him with his challenges. Yes, I want to help him be more independent. Yes, I want to support and teach him about making it in the world. And I do all of these things. But most of all, I am the one learning from him. And that’s the greatest gift of all.

What gifts of Autism are you most thankful for? Share by commenting below or posting to the SOA Facebook page or on Twitter using #GiftsOfAutism!

resolutions or reboot

Resolutions or Reboot?

When my son is in his room either playing, building or watching role playing games on his laptop, I will sometimes hear frustrated screams and banging against the keyboard from behind his door. Fearing the thought of having to purchase another laptop (yes – it’s happened!) coupled with not wanting my child to dwell in stressful emotions I will usually run in and see what is causing the outbursts. It’s always the same issue: the computer is lagging!

What is the first thing I ask him when this happens? “Did you reboot?”

99% of the time a simple reboot fixes the issue he’s experiencing.

That got me thinking… in what way is my life “lagging” right now? (oh let me count the ways!)

Do I really want another list of resolutions to meet? Truth be told, all my resolutions have been on a list throughout all of 2012; some even longer! Guess what? Many weren’t accomplished. Do I honestly think that the changing of a calendar is going to make these resolutions and goals magically manifest? Really?

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Albert Einstein

I don’t need “resolutions”. I know what I want to achieve. I know how I want to best support my son and daughter on their journeys. But we are all lagging right now. I propose a reboot.

How do you reboot yourself?

Here’s a funny one – The Universe already gave me a head start. I have this giant running “To Do” list that I carry around with me. Which is hilarious because I always think I can accomplish sever or eight days’ worth of tasks in four hours :) Anyway, aside from the usual day-to-day minutiae I had been taking the same several “big” items and transferring them from list to list for over a year. You know, those things that really need to happen but have no due date? The items that make me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut every time I see them still on my list? Those.

Well, my list is gone. I went to do my usual “transfer” and I can’t find this sacred list anywhere. Message received.

Here are some other things you can do to facilitate a reboot:

Change your routine. Is there a new food or eating style you can incorporate into your diet? What about one vegan meal a week? Eliminating dairy? Adding an exotic fruit or vegetable that you’ve never tried before? How about a new exercise? Try some yoga, take a walk, go to the park. You can listen to a new band on CD, try meditation, or even sit on the other side of the room! Any little change to shake up the hamster wheel feeling. I know how important routines and schedules are to children on the Spectrum,  but you can make a game out of it and let them help choose your new adventure.

Take a break from electronics and social media. It’s so important for us to unplug sometimes. We don’t realize it until we actually step away. How about getting out in nature, visiting a museum, or playing some old-school games? Jacks, hopscotch, I-Spy… I’ll bet you forgot how fun they can be.

Sleep it off. Rebooting can sometimes mean we need to oversleep. My Malamutes don’t let me sleep in, but there are occasional days (once every few months) where I just collapse into bed before my children. We are torn in so many different directions these days that sometimes we need to shut down and let our bodies and brains restore balance naturally.

Go for a full system upgrade. Why not? Maybe it’s time for a new career. Maybe you want to start your own business. Or get that new car you’ve had your eye on. What about a big move? Is there a new part of town you’ve thought about moving to? A new city? State? Even country? Nothing says reboot like moving and starting over. Just make sure you’re not moving to run away from your problems – they’ll follow you!

What about you? How can you reboot, leave the lagging behind, and get a fresh perspective on your life? I’d love to hear what’s going on with you – share by commenting below or posting to the SOA Facebook page!

[Guest Post] I See What You Are Saying

“I see”, he said, “I see exactly what you mean.”

“No you don’t”, she answered, “you haven’t listened to anything I’ve been saying and you have no idea what I am talking about.”

And in just a few short sentences, you have the beginnings or perhaps, the continuation of a disagreement. Could be about something easy like where to go for dinner, or something of more import like getting married.

But whatever sort of subject it is, when the conversation starts going in this direction, you know it is not going to be long before there’s a real problem in communications.

So what’s the big deal with communications between people anyway? How come my friend, my BFF, my bro, my significant other doesn’t get me? Why doesn’t anyone understand me, I look at my lips in the mirror and I know I am talking but nobody is getting me.

We All Understand This

These are thoughts most of us have had at one time or other. Maybe not everyday, maybe our daily lives don’t revolve so much around communicating with other people so we might not run into this situation on a daily basis. But sooner or later, it’s going to come up. And it’s going to be a real issue in our lives.

But why? Why is this sort of issue so prevalent in our world? You would think that with so many different ways to communicate with each other, between every sort of mobile device imaginable, a hundred different social media websites and apps and snail mail and texting and phone calls, how come this issue of understanding is still happening?

We’re Exactly the Same – Except We’re Different

The answer is simple and complex at the same time. Like so many of the great truths of our world are. But here it is in a nutshell, each of us has our own private communication system that we have spent years developing and none of those systems is the same as any other.

We have each developed our own view of what the world is like to us. We have each attached a meaning to a particular piece of communication and each of us is positive that our way of seeing things, our way of understanding things, our way of organizing the world sensory input we get from the world around us is the right way.

And because each of us is operating from inside our own system of communication, using the set of symbols we have developed for ourselves, that is how we understand the world to be.

All Is Not Lost

Now this is how it is in the most primary sense. There is often a lot of overlap between our individualized communication systems and we can share understanding and ideas and dreams and color schemes and lots of other things with lots of other people. But truthfully, individualized communication systems are like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two of them are exactly alike.

Take the example from the first couple of sentences where he is saying ‘I see what you mean” and she is saying “You aren’t hearing what I am saying” and when you think about how each of them has their own individualized communication system which they use on a regular basis, you can understand right away where at least one of the issues is.

He is thinking about seeing and she is thinking about listening.

Kind of like one of them is watching the TV with the sound off and the other listening to the sound but not watching the screen. And then trying to describe to the other what their individual experience is.

An almost impossible task.

But if they were to simply go into the room where the TV is and watch and listen together, their experience would be a lot different. Maybe not perfect because we each focus our attention differently, but certainly a whole lot easier than the other way.

Each person has their own way of interpreting the world around them. Each of us has developed our own organizational scheme for what we pay attention to and how we show that we are paying attention. Whether, we are male, female, teenagerish, a baby boomer, autistic, American, German, or any other way of deciding who we are, we each have our own way of communicating with the world.

When we interact with other people and understand that we are right in what we are saying and understanding and that they are also right, our days become much easier and our hearts become filled with a lot more kindness and tolerance and love. Not just for other people, but for ourselves as well. And that would make our days totally fantastic.

Michael Shook is a personal development coach specializing in success and authenticity. He offers daily messages of light and love for everyone via ALifeOfLight.com. But for readers of the Spirit of Autism, he is also offering a free personal coaching session.  Click here to read more and sign up for your free session!

Product Review Part I: Step Ahead of Autism

Click Image to Order from Amazon

I just finished reading Step Ahead of Autism by Anne Moore Burnett. I have to say this is one of the most inspiring and practical Autism books I have ever had the pleasure of diving into.

As a researcher by nature, most of the books in my library discuss the biology involved in sensory integration dysfunction, the nutritional and behavioral repercussions of certain food sensitivities, and the implied neuroscience behind certain brain function as it relates to Autism. Anne’s story is a refreshing and honest tale of her journey with her son Joey, who was diagnosed at the severe end of the Autism Spectrum at age two and went on to become a successful college student.

Most of my books require hours of focus, references, and frequent sanity breaks. Step Ahead of Autism was such a flowing and effortless read; parts of the author’s journey and emotional roller coaster mimicked my exact experiences and I relived some of those feelings. But the real magic in the book is the way it is broken down into ten practical steps with exercises, techniques and tips that can instantly be put into practice. Many of the ideas are of course pertaining to making the best choices for your child, but the real inspiration is the transformation we make within ourselves – shifting our intentions, beliefs, attitudes and reactions to the diagnosis and the choices we face each day.

That being said, there is so much amazing information in this book that I will be only discussing the highlights of the first five steps in this post – Part II will be posted next week.

I really resonated with the discussion in the beginning of the book of what happens to us as parents once our child receives an official diagnosis of Autism or a developmental disorder in general. Denial, anger, and confusion are expected, but the choice is ultimately ours to wallow in a pity party of “why me” or become an advocate. I love how she says, “You can turn the denial into determination, the anger into energy, and the ‘why me’ into ‘watch me’. I know. I did, and I will show you how to do the same.”

She further states it is time to leave the “Why does autism occur” to the researchers and to move forward. YES!

This book is more about the changes we must make in ourselves and the skills we need to develop rather than trying to change the behaviors in our child. Quite a fresh perspective!

In each step Anne shares a part of her story and then turns her experience into practical tips and exercises for us to practice immediately.

Step one is TRUST. We must learn to quiet the noise of our daily lives and really reflect and pay attention – we know our child best and we must trust and explore creative solutions and limitless possibilities. She says it best that we tend to “fall into a trap of reacting to life and coping with what happens instead of actively creating a life that’s right for us.” I know this in my heart but I need daily reminders! Especially with a To-Do list that on some days seems longer than Santa’s “nice” list!

Step two is OBSERVE. The author suggests creating a timeline of your child’s behaviors with dates that you can then take to doctor visits and eventually evaluations. This will serve as the framework and ease the intake process when specialists, therapists, and other providers are to be seen.

As she shares her experience of receiving her son’s diagnosis in this chapter, I relived the road that led me to my child’s, which was much later than age two. I remember distinctly the signs and red flags; yet everyone had a strong opinion about what was going on. Half of my family and friends said things like, “He’s just being a boy! He’s got a lot of energy! Oh, my brother was the same way – he just needed to bounce on the trampoline before dinner – no biggie!” The other half came right out and said, “I think something’s wrong with your kid.”

Neither reaction sat right with me: the first lot telling me there is nothing wrong while I was clearly struggling with day-to-day routines and public outings, and of course no parent wants to hear that there is “something wrong”. Yet receiving the diagnosis had such a finality to it, and it definitely hit me like a Mack truck just like the author shares in her experience.

One of the exercises in this section is to simply unplug from the electronic world and be in the now with your child. Focus and concentrate on everything they are saying and doing with you. I recommend that for everyone, not just your child!

Also included is a thorough prescreening checklist. I really wish I had this before my son was five!

Step three is ACCEPT. Grieving is necessary – it is natural to mourn your child’s diagnosis and eventually let it arm you with a sense of new confidence. Unfortunately, many parents are stuck in permanent grief, as if an Autism diagnosis is a life sentence. We must accept the challenge as an opportunity to realize and grow our capabilities as parents. By focusing on what’s right more than what’s wrong we can empower ourselves and inspire others, as the author has done with this book.

Step four is ASCERTAIN. I did not have the gift of early intervention, but that’s ok. My son experienced several misdiagnoses before we arrived at the true picture. My journey and desire to learn more about my child rather than go with the first explanation and suggested treatment made me who I am today.

This chapter does provide a strong argument for making early diagnosis and intervention the primary goals of every parent, pediatrician, educator, and caregiver. She also offers clarity on what you should look for in the assessments you may schedule for your child, and also some classroom concerns to gather when starting to develop a needs assessment.

Step five is ADAPT. This is a biggie. We may be called upon to make big changes for the sake of our child, as the author did when it came to relocating. I love how she discussed her resistance to change, but said, “Joey needed us to move him forward as quickly and as responsibly as we could, to take full ownership of his welfare.”

This is not a job for weenies, I KNOW we all know this! In my experience we, the parents of special needs children, are a lot stronger than we thought we were. The key is to adapt, which the dictionary defines as, “to put oneself in harmony with changed circumstances.” ‘Nuff said :)

I hope Part I of this review has sparked your interest about things you can do to ensure the best possible outcome for your child. Even though I live Law of Attraction and carry a positive attitude in my pocket (which I sometimes forget to take out when I’m overwhelmed!), Anne’s story has helped me go easier on myself and take a step back. I have a lot more power than I thought and I hope you know that you do, too!

Tune in next week for Part II…

How to Celebrate the Child You Have

“Motherhood (and Fatherhood) is about raising – and celebrating – the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that s/he is exactly the person s/he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, s/he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” ~The Water Giver*

I saw this posted on the Facebook page of one of my favorite mentors, Janice Masters, and it inspired me to delve a bit further

and reflect on the quote as it relates to my own life.

After experiencing your child’s meltdown #42 for the week, have you ever caught yourself feeling envious of other parents? Having thoughts such as, “It must be nice to be able to go to a restaurant with your child!” or “I really wish I could travel with my children – other people get to go on vacation!” Maybe you’ve gone so far as to wonder what your life would be like if your child was (gulp) “normal”.

After these thoughts take residence in your head, have you also been consumed by guilt shortly afterward as I have? First of all, do NOT beat yourself about it! These thoughts are completely understandable when you have a special needs child. It does not mean you don’t love your child or that you wish he were someone else. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, even if you occasionally feel you’ve been robbed of the child-rearing experience you were hoping for.

However, since an expectation is often a resentment waiting to happen, we do sometimes need to give our perspective a little shake and examine how often these thoughts are dominating our mind.

Please know I am not saying it is not challenging to parent a child on the Autism spectrum. Believe me! But maybe if you tried on a couple of different views for size – see how they feel – some aspects of the way you interact with your child might shift.

(in honor of Janice, ask yourself) What if…

  • You were to give yourself permission to feel your feelings and observe your thoughts – all of them? Could you then release them after acknowledging them?
  • You were to look for the gift amidst the challenge?
  • You were to make a list of all the positive, amazing traits you see in your child?
  • You were to sit back and watch your child play, seeing how in tune they are with the present moment and their desires?
  • You were able to allow extra time in your schedule to dawdle and not rush so much?
  • You could loosen some of the traditional beliefs and values that no longer serve you and start some new traditions with your child that make sense for who you both are today?
  • You started capitalizing on your child’s strengths instead of focusing on correcting the perceived deficits?
  • You were to start going easier on yourself and begin to follow your own bliss?

I challenge you just take a few of these questions and see how they feel for you. Let me know if you notice any changes in your home by posting in the comments below or on my Facebook page – I’d LOVE to hear your experiences!

I’ll leave you with this:

“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.”

– Norman Vincent Peale

What Do You Do When Your World Turns Updside-Down?

So.

You’re cruising along, making progress, taking the normal ups and downs in stride… suddenly, without warning… BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under you and you find yourself spinning, reeling, and unable to take a breath deep enough to satisfy your lungs. What do you do when crisis strikes your home? How do you stop yourself from falling all the way down to the bottom? Is there a bottom, or is it just fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) that grabs hold?

My world changed a few weeks ago and it shook the very core of my being. And although I am not in the clear by any means, I feel I am now able to at least start gathering the pieces of myself and my family and pulling them into some semblance of normalcy!

Holding on to the sides of the wall is progress from tumbling with increasing velocity… so here are some tools and lessons that helped stop my fall and kept me strong for my children:

Perspective and gratitude.

No matter WHAT’S happening, it can always be worse. That may sound trite, but it is so very true. At the height of our crisis, I continued (and continue) to count my blessings and focus on the things that are going right. It doesn’t eradicate the fear and reality of what’s happening altogether, but it’s a great home base :)

Take a break for self-care.

After being in survival-mode for so many days in a row, I was horrified to find that I hadn’t eaten or slept in quite some time. This only makes the situation worse!! It is not selfish (well, it’s the appropriate selfish) to stop, breathe, take a long bath, or spend some time laughing in the midst of crisis. Even 10 minutes can repair parts of your soul and make a huge difference in your perspective and ability to cope.

Keep routines in place.

Despite the world being upside-down, I did my best to keep as much of my normal routine in place so things did not take a nose dive even faster. There is comfort and ease in routine schedules. Of course, eating and sleeping would have been good parts of my routine to keep in place, but… progress not perfection!

Keep your children in the loop… appropriately.

While I didn’t tell my children the absolute depth and underlying meanings of what was happening, I did make them aware that we were in trouble. This accomplished two things: allowed them to creatively step into their power and pool resources that I may not have considered and kept them out of the “scary unknown”. Going through something of this  magnitude and trying to maintain that all is perfectly fine with your children is extremely detrimental. The unknown, unspoken tension is so much worse than the reality of a situation. But again, this doesn’t mean spilling adult-sized problems onto little shoulders. Filters and balance are key.

Ask for help.

This is a TOUGH one! I have never been good at it, and it is not comfortable at all for me. But I did it, and I am blown away by the outpouring of love and assistance from friends and neighbors. Gratitude!

Receive with grace.

Shutting my mouth and saying, “Thank you” is also not one of my strengths. What I realized is that by not accepting or excusing away assistance offered is denying someone the gift of helping. It’s not all about me :)

Feel your emotions but don’t let them consume you.

I found myself consistently toggling back and forth between getting caught up in the hideous emotions that accompany a situation such as this and not feeling anything at all. Neither of these are the right choice. By feeling my emotions, I am honoring them rather than stuffing them down. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay there and build a condo, as someone once told me! I cannot effectively process and release emotions unless I allow myself to feel them.

Get creative.

It is easy to continue to look for the one situation or event that I think will solve my problem. But that is limited thinking. I can be open to multiple solutions that come in many forms. I will continue to explore them all with an open mind, as well as fine-tune what I’m already doing. It’s not a “here and there” situation, it’s a growth opportunity. Yes, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!

I hope these tools help you through anything that comes your way!

How do you handle unexpected twists and turns from life? I’d love to hear! Also, stay tuned as I resume the amazing projects I have in store for all of you… I promise they are worth the wait!

Blessings!

Debi

What’s So Familiar About Cheese?

Image from dvdverdict.com

I’m going to take a short break this week from the scientific philosophies, the tips and tools, the family stories, and the therapy program discussions and simply share an amusing correlation I made about Autism and a beloved, lesser-known cartoon character. Please note that by no means am I undermining, making fun of, or minimizing anything about my child or any of the brilliant angels on the Autism Spectrum. This is just something I found entertaining and a wee bit insightful about perspective.

My children used to religiously watch Cartoon Network’s “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.” This cute and creative show is about imaginary friends being left to fend for themselves after the children that created them outgrew them and the elderly woman that founded a home for them to be re-adopted one day.

Somewhat mid-season, a character was introduced named Cheese. Wikipedia describes him as “a simple, pale-yellow-colored friend who debuted in “Mac Daddy”. He appears to be somewhat madcap and dim-witted, often saying incoherent or non-sequitur phrases, and breaking into sudden bouts of screaming when frightened or when he doesn’t get his way. Cheese likes goldfish crackers, cereal, juice, chocolate milk (although he is lactose-intolerant), and so on..”

Here are some other things I noted about Cheese:

  • He is never actually mischievous, he just does things in the moment that please him
  • The other characters see him as annoying to be around
  • He is unable to understand anyone else’s viewpoint or perception
  • He tries to do things himself and gets frustrated when he can’t
  • He tries to fit in with the other friends but is very socially awkward
  • He is addicted to cereal and milk, though his body can’t tolerate them (gluten and casein!)
  • He is perceived as “slow” yet he is actually quite brilliant, especially in the episode where the Headmaster punched in a random code on the new alarm system and locked everyone out of the house. Cheese actually remembered the entire (ridiculously long) sequence by tone and could repeat it verbatim; however, he would only agree to help if they made a game out of it and EVERYONE played along.
  • He repeats phrases and gets “stuck” on one or two topics of choice
  • He is a “space invader”: he often crashes into Bloo while playing or follows him around within an inch or two of him
  • He has no regard for danger and needs to be watched carefully
  • He is prone to wandering, and even took a bus through town by himself because of an innocent, unexplained thought he was compelled to follow
  • He is very loud, but he can’t tell that it’s not a normal volume
  • Some typical sensory experiences that other kids would enjoy frighten or bother him

By now, I’m sure you’re starting to see where I’m going with this :)

Maybe some viewers initially see Cheese as “that annoying kid with behavior issues who lacks discipline from his creator” (sound familiar?). I see this character as the quintessential snapshot of a high-functioning Autistic child. In fact, he’s a lot like my son. A lot.

His recurring appearances sprinkled throughout the show illustrate a journey with the other characters that really hits home for me. It’s a journey that goes from avoidance and rejection to an eventual understanding of him.  Ultimately the characters move into compassion and acceptance of Cheese into their community… and even offer their friendship.

Whether that was the creator’s intention or not, that’s my takeaway! Bravo, Craig McCracken.

Here are a couple of short videos to enjoy if you’re not familiar with the character!

Tribute to Cheese

Cheese Alarm Code

“I’m funny how? Funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you?”

Sarcasm: Remarks that mean the opposite of what they seem to say and are intended to mock or deride.

Add irony, hyperboles, understatements, metaphors, oxymorons, or the anticlimactic punchline – no, this isn’t a Language Arts pop quiz. These are the things not understood by my Autistic child, who lives in a literal world.

Last night we viewed a commercial for a new movie in which the main character exclaimed, “There is no such thing as—“ “DEREK!” his wife interjected. What my son heard was, “There is no such thing as Derek,” and promptly looked me in the eye and asked, “So the Derek in my class isn’t real?” Oh boy : )

In a household where sarcasm is spun more intricately than a debate between Alan Rickman and Joe Pesci, I find it extremely ironic (and entertaining!) that my son doesn’t comprehend the figurative language. Phrases like, “I laughed my head off”, “She cried her eyes out when she watched that episode”, or “Don’t blow a gasket, it’s just a video game” are lost on him. I certainly have to think twice when he asks if it would be cool to see him jump from the chair, over the dog, and onto the coffee table and I reply with, “Sure – that’s not dangerous…”

Before stumbling upon the realization that Autistic children can have trouble interpreting sarcasm, I wondered why classic momilies such as, “I’ll kick you into next week” and “Back off the TV or you’ll burn your eyes out” would elicit a mortified response from the boy. Can you imagine how confusing your universe would be if you took every message literally? No wonder I never got the desired result every time I reminded him to keep his hands and his feet to himself. In his mind, that meant keeping them attached to his body. Duh, mom!

I also used to think he was just being difficult when I would tell him it was his bedtime and he would immediately retort with, “It’s NOT! It’s 8:57!” Rounding up doesn’t exist, nor does approximation. A couple always means two and a few always means three when I am talking to him. And he holds me to it! We’ve also had many arguments arise when he would ask me how much longer until dinner and my answer was something like, “Not much longer” or “twenty minutes or so”. Frustrated, he would repeat the question until I answered in a way he understood. I had no idea that he simply doesn’t process vague statements.

My daughter and I are the complete opposite of him – we exaggerate for humor, paint mental pictures of the ridiculous when trying to prove a point, and typically function in a “go with the flow” state of being. It can be challenging to stop and alter how we communicate with him so he gets it, but I now see the importance of it! To him, we are sometimes speaking another language. He already feels left out being the only male; the last thing I want to do is isolate him further when I can simply adjust the way I phrase something.

When my daughter and I are laughing hysterically, shooting rapid-fire examples of “Imagine if” jokes and he either corrects us or chimes in with something completely irrelevant, we have learned to appreciate his beautiful mind. It is quite a gift to have such a different perspective presented to us on a daily basis.