Tag Archives: children

For the Mom Who…

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…has to drive her infant around at 2 in the morning because being in a moving car is the only way he will go back to sleep.

…sometimes cooks three separate meals for dinner because her picky eater will only have pizza – but the crust has to be right, it can’t be too cheesy, the pepperoni better not be the spicy kind and there can’t be too much sauce. Oh and definitely not the sauce that is too sweet or has any green stuff in it.

…on some days actually falls asleep standing in the shower.

…most likely has read “Goodnight Moon” to her child at least 6, 947 times and still does the funny voices.

…gave up grown-up music in the car for about ten years in favor of Kidz Bop, Disney, and Pokemon CDs.

…can fix her child’s toys or computer, put together a shelving unit, replace worn appliance parts, mow the lawn, and still remove splinters with the precision of a surgeon.

…wants so badly to fix everything for her children but knows she must stand by and let them have the experience on their own.

…will be there to help pick up the pieces when they don’t quite get it right the first time, and encourage them to try again.

…always makes sure the house is never completely out of any grocery item, and the lunchboxes and coffee are always ready in the morning, without exception.

…simply doesn’t have time to be sick. Ever.

…has to endure the glares of people that think she simply doesn’t spank her special needs child enough when he’s having sensory meltdowns in public.

…eats the burnt toast so everyone else can enjoy their breakfast and nothing has to be wasted.

…sometimes cries when no one’s looking.

…knows that her children are here to teach her, too.

…gets up every single day and does what needs to be done no matter what kind of mood she’s in.

…accepts that right now it’s okay that her child with Autism is 10 and still needs help showering, using the bathroom, dressing, and brushing his teeth. She performs these tasks with grace.

…celebrates every success, large or small, and takes nothing for granted.

…knows that her children love her, but sometimes wishes they would show it a little more. However, she doesn’t require it to keep her heart open.

…goes to bat for her children, unconditionally, because their success is non-negotiable.

…always encourages her children to be their unique and authentic self.

…realized early on that there’s no turning back – this is a lifetime job and it isn’t for weenies.

…still knows how to dance with confidence, even if it’s in her living room. On the coffee table.

…learned long ago that the workload will never be “even” or “fair,” and that’s okay.

…considers the simplest pleasures a big deal, because life is precious and all we really have is the now.

…knows that her children chose her before coming to this crazy, adventurous place, and she is grateful.

…remembers that shining her light and being her true self is the greatest gift she can give to her children, for it inspires them to do the same.

…simply does her best, because there is no manual for this gig!

I salute you. All of you. Single moms, married moms, “unplanned” moms, adoptive moms, older moms, teenage moms, special needs moms…we have a bond – a circle – that is unbreakable. You are all amazing – don’t wait for others to honor you. Celebrate and honor yourself and the successes that YOU create.

Happy Mother’s Day!

What about you? Post some other “for the Mom who…” sentences below or share them on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

How to Celebrate the Child You Have

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“Motherhood (and Fatherhood) is about raising – and celebrating – the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that s/he is exactly the person s/he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, s/he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” ~The Water Giver*

I saw this posted on the Facebook page of one of my favorite mentors, Janice Masters, and it inspired me to delve a bit further

and reflect on the quote as it relates to my own life.

After experiencing your child’s meltdown #42 for the week, have you ever caught yourself feeling envious of other parents? Having thoughts such as, “It must be nice to be able to go to a restaurant with your child!” or “I really wish I could travel with my children – other people get to go on vacation!” Maybe you’ve gone so far as to wonder what your life would be like if your child was (gulp) “normal”.

After these thoughts take residence in your head, have you also been consumed by guilt shortly afterward as I have? First of all, do NOT beat yourself about it! These thoughts are completely understandable when you have a special needs child. It does not mean you don’t love your child or that you wish he were someone else. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, even if you occasionally feel you’ve been robbed of the child-rearing experience you were hoping for.

However, since an expectation is often a resentment waiting to happen, we do sometimes need to give our perspective a little shake and examine how often these thoughts are dominating our mind.

Please know I am not saying it is not challenging to parent a child on the Autism spectrum. Believe me! But maybe if you tried on a couple of different views for size – see how they feel – some aspects of the way you interact with your child might shift.

(in honor of Janice, ask yourself) What if…

  • You were to give yourself permission to feel your feelings and observe your thoughts – all of them? Could you then release them after acknowledging them?
  • You were to look for the gift amidst the challenge?
  • You were to make a list of all the positive, amazing traits you see in your child?
  • You were to sit back and watch your child play, seeing how in tune they are with the present moment and their desires?
  • You were able to allow extra time in your schedule to dawdle and not rush so much?
  • You could loosen some of the traditional beliefs and values that no longer serve you and start some new traditions with your child that make sense for who you both are today?
  • You started capitalizing on your child’s strengths instead of focusing on correcting the perceived deficits?
  • You were to start going easier on yourself and begin to follow your own bliss?

I challenge you just take a few of these questions and see how they feel for you. Let me know if you notice any changes in your home by posting in the comments below or on my Facebook page – I’d LOVE to hear your experiences!

I’ll leave you with this:

“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.”

– Norman Vincent Peale

What You Think About You Bring About

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How often do we find ourselves dreading an event, visit, or simple errand with our child? We look at past behaviors or incidents and expect the worst, based on what we experienced previously. We may even go so far as to picture the meltdown occurring and already start feeling frustrated and frazzled by the anticipation of it.

When we do this, we emit a certain frequency and our child picks up on it. Everything we think, say, and feel produces some kind of effect on our children.

How about trying an experiment? I’ve done this before with phenomenal results! Ready?

Expect the best from your child.

Not perfectionism, not nit-picking… just expect great behavior. Visualize it. Focus on what you WANT to happen and picture it happening that way. You might be very surprised at what unfolds!

I discovered this powerful shift some time ago, yet I often and easily forget the impact of such a simple adjustment. I had a great reminder today while reading a fantastic book: Bob Lancer’s Parenting With Love… Without Anger or Stress. Here is a paragraph that really resonated with me:

Praising or Thanking in Advance

When you want your child to do something, try praising or thanking her for doing it in advance. This tactic exhibits an uncanny power to bring out desirable behavior that has not yet happened. For instance, to encourage him to pick up after himself, try sincerely praising him for picking up after himself and genuinely thanking him for the contribution before he has done so. To encourage your child to play nicely with others at the playground, right before you launch her into activity you might say, “I want to thank you very much for playing so nicely with the other children at the playground today.”

Ironically, I found this to work with my To Do lists as well! For a whole week I created “Done” lists in lieu of “To Do” lists and I was so much more productive! They would read, “Went to bank, completed freelance project, did laundry, balanced checkbook,” etc. Guess what – I doubled my accomplishments that week!

What do you think? Do you have anything to lose by expecting your child to flourish and shine versus waiting for the meltdown? Thoughts are free. They can be changed and controlled with practice. Try it and let me know your results on my Facebook or Twitter page, or by commenting below!

5 Ways to Tell Your Children That You Love Them

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Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Today is a great day for me to reflect on how lucky I am to have two amazing children and a beautiful (expecting!) wolfie-dog in my home. Every day is an adventure and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Recently, things have definitely been a bit strained in our house as we move through the shift of the changing times! Especially amidst the madness of single parenthood, it is so vital to take time out simply appreciate my family. Here are a few ways I love to show it:

Unplug. Turning off the iPhone, stepping away from the computer, and being present with the kids as my first and only priority – it works wonders!

Be silly. Maybe it’s embarrassing to them, but having the courage to be goofy in front of others gives my children permission to express themselves and creates lots of memories to laugh about later.

Love notes. Taking the three extra seconds to draw a funny face on my daughter’s sandwich bag, leave a note in my son’s lunchbox, or tape a sign to the TV or bathroom mirror always adds a little extra smile for the recipient :)

Change the routine. Sometimes spontaneously deciding to go out to eat, have breakfast for dinner, or go the park for a picnic will shake up the routine and add a new perspective. Letting the kids have a turn to choose is even better!

Tell them. Sounds easy, right? How often we forget to ‘catch our kids being good’ and tell them what you LOVE about their behavior, viewpoints, or appearance. The next time you want to nag about what they forgot to do, try noticing what they remembered and see the ripple effect!

How do you express your love to your kiddos? Feel free to share your unique ideas on our Facebook page!

What Do You Do When Your World Turns Updside-Down?

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So.

You’re cruising along, making progress, taking the normal ups and downs in stride… suddenly, without warning… BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under you and you find yourself spinning, reeling, and unable to take a breath deep enough to satisfy your lungs. What do you do when crisis strikes your home? How do you stop yourself from falling all the way down to the bottom? Is there a bottom, or is it just fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) that grabs hold?

My world changed a few weeks ago and it shook the very core of my being. And although I am not in the clear by any means, I feel I am now able to at least start gathering the pieces of myself and my family and pulling them into some semblance of normalcy!

Holding on to the sides of the wall is progress from tumbling with increasing velocity… so here are some tools and lessons that helped stop my fall and kept me strong for my children:

Perspective and gratitude.

No matter WHAT’S happening, it can always be worse. That may sound trite, but it is so very true. At the height of our crisis, I continued (and continue) to count my blessings and focus on the things that are going right. It doesn’t eradicate the fear and reality of what’s happening altogether, but it’s a great home base :)

Take a break for self-care.

After being in survival-mode for so many days in a row, I was horrified to find that I hadn’t eaten or slept in quite some time. This only makes the situation worse!! It is not selfish (well, it’s the appropriate selfish) to stop, breathe, take a long bath, or spend some time laughing in the midst of crisis. Even 10 minutes can repair parts of your soul and make a huge difference in your perspective and ability to cope.

Keep routines in place.

Despite the world being upside-down, I did my best to keep as much of my normal routine in place so things did not take a nose dive even faster. There is comfort and ease in routine schedules. Of course, eating and sleeping would have been good parts of my routine to keep in place, but… progress not perfection!

Keep your children in the loop… appropriately.

While I didn’t tell my children the absolute depth and underlying meanings of what was happening, I did make them aware that we were in trouble. This accomplished two things: allowed them to creatively step into their power and pool resources that I may not have considered and kept them out of the “scary unknown”. Going through something of this  magnitude and trying to maintain that all is perfectly fine with your children is extremely detrimental. The unknown, unspoken tension is so much worse than the reality of a situation. But again, this doesn’t mean spilling adult-sized problems onto little shoulders. Filters and balance are key.

Ask for help.

This is a TOUGH one! I have never been good at it, and it is not comfortable at all for me. But I did it, and I am blown away by the outpouring of love and assistance from friends and neighbors. Gratitude!

Receive with grace.

Shutting my mouth and saying, “Thank you” is also not one of my strengths. What I realized is that by not accepting or excusing away assistance offered is denying someone the gift of helping. It’s not all about me :)

Feel your emotions but don’t let them consume you.

I found myself consistently toggling back and forth between getting caught up in the hideous emotions that accompany a situation such as this and not feeling anything at all. Neither of these are the right choice. By feeling my emotions, I am honoring them rather than stuffing them down. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay there and build a condo, as someone once told me! I cannot effectively process and release emotions unless I allow myself to feel them.

Get creative.

It is easy to continue to look for the one situation or event that I think will solve my problem. But that is limited thinking. I can be open to multiple solutions that come in many forms. I will continue to explore them all with an open mind, as well as fine-tune what I’m already doing. It’s not a “here and there” situation, it’s a growth opportunity. Yes, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!

I hope these tools help you through anything that comes your way!

How do you handle unexpected twists and turns from life? I’d love to hear! Also, stay tuned as I resume the amazing projects I have in store for all of you… I promise they are worth the wait!

Blessings!

Debi

Using Visual Schedules

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From workingwithautism.info

There are countless times when I expect that my child with Autism simply “should know better” by now.  Did you know that an expectation is merely a resentment in the waiting?  How many times have I repeated, “You KNOW that brushing your teeth always comes next!” or “You KNOW we have to leave by 8, why aren’t your pants on?”

I might as well be the teacher from Charlie Brown, because all my son really hears is, “whaa whaa whaa…” and doesn’t understand why he is in trouble. Again.

How many repetitions does it take for him to understand a routine? Well, how many times have I thrown extra variables into that routine that end up confusing him?  An easy way to take the whole struggle and guesswork out of the mix is by using visual schedules.

A visual schedule is a set of pictures and words that communicate a series of activities or the steps to help children understand and manage the daily events in their lives. Ideally, they should communicate clear expectations for the child and decrease the need for constant reminders and many times, unwanted arguments.

At home, the schedule can be created around basic morning, afternoon, and evening tasks such as brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and gathering a backpack for school. They can incorporate any chores assigned to the child, such as empty the garbage or feed the dog.

Posted in a central and convenient place, the schedule can be easily referred to any time the child gets off task and distracted.

For older children, school-specific schedules can be placed into notebooks for easy reference.  This would be extremely helpful for transitions and the last segment of the school day.

Issues such as difficulty paying attention, understanding auditory input, processing multiple commands, and the inability to predict and plan within their environment are easily addressed with visual schedules, helping children to adapt and stay on-task at home, in school, or in community gatherings.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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“She gave me love, as well as life;

so whatever goodness I may bring to Earth

began with the gift of my mother’s heart.”

-Robert Sexton

I created this Mother’s Day video last year, 2009. Although a tad bit outdated, I thought it would be fun to share it here! These are my sweeties growing up quickly, and YES that’s me singing an original song :)

Enjoy!