I sometimes fail to remember: as parents we are not raising children, we are raising happy, productive, balanced adults.
Recently a friend of mine of 17 years had the courage to express an observation about the way I frequently respond to some of my son’s less-than-desirable behaviors. Instead of feeling judged or on the defensive, I reflected on his words and decided to take an honest look at where I might be setting my child up for failure.
I’ve mentioned on Twitter that puberty plus the lack of energy release during homeschooling has sent Justin into a bit of a regression with his loud noises, stimming and impulsivity. Add to the mix a mom that works overtime and does freelance projects at night, sleep deprivation, and a teenage sister that always rouses him, and we have some pretty obnoxious behavior rearing its ugly head.
I have a few stubborn “reflexes” about Justin’s noises that are rooted back to our pre-diagnosis days, where we frequently got kicked out of retail and eating establishments due to the fact that I “couldn’t control my child” 
Before I understood sensory processing issues, auditory overload, and Autism itself I merely thought he was choosing to be out of control. Ha! I was so accustomed to apologizing and making excuses for him to get us through the trip to the grocery store or lunch with a relative; I would do whatever it took to smooth over the incident and get us home.
Back to the observation of my friend: he said that I tend to speak about my son like he’s not in the room when he starts exhibiting these behaviors. I retreat into a litany of excuses while he continues to act in a way that’s actually unacceptable.
Now before you fly off the handle about how our children can’t help doing some of the things they do… yes. That’s right. My excuses are most likely accurate – sensory overload, puberty issues, too much downtime, unpredicted change in schedule and more. These are the reasons 99% of the time that a behavior creeps in. However, am I allowing my son to use his Autism as an excuse to not even try to do better?
Read that again. Am I allowing my son to use his Autism as an excuse to not even try to do better?
Ouch. I believe sometimes I am teaching him this. He may NOT know better, he may NOT be able to help himself, but what do I do with that information? Do I use it as an opportunity to help teach him how to appropriately handle his issues?
This doesn’t mean I don’t provide resources or abandon his needs. It doesn’t mean we don’t leave some situations because they are causing overload. What does it mean?
“Justin, this is the quiet room of the house. If we want to scream, we go in the other room.”
“Justin, it’s not okay to run into the room and fall on the puppy with that giant toy. It hurts him. When the puppy gets hurt, he bites people. Let’s run in the back yard or down the hallway only.”
“Justin, I know it’s really noisy in here and your ears probably hurt. Would you like to go into a quiet place for a while, or maybe put your headphones on?”
These solutions take time, especially when he’s learned that he can make his sister yell and his Mom make excuses for him. But my goal for him is to be able to tell what is appropriate and what is not, whether he can help the behavior or if he’s spinning out of control. If he can’t help it, he needs to learn to ask for assistance, tools, or even an out. I am in no way denying his sensory needs or coping skills.
It’s time, I think, to start sending the message that I expect the best from him. It’s when I make these subtle adjustments within my own mind that he always surprises me and rises to a new level of self-awareness.
What about you? Are there areas where you could expect more from your child? I’d love to hear your comments! Don’t forget to join the conversation on our Facebook page!
Hi Debi, I believe we are here to teach our children, no matter what their disability entails, what we can teach them will help them cope better in the world. Accepting them as they are means we don’t punish or judge, however, we use every opportunity to help them gain control and know how to handle themselves in different situations.
Thanks for your comment, Caroline. You’ve said it perfectly.
I believe that sometimes we shortchange our children when we don’t expect more than we think they are capable of. How can a child stretch his wings if we always keep them clipped or hold them to our own, sometimes minimal, standards? If we only expect what we think they are capable of rather than letting them reach their own potential, then we shortchange them.
Our children will rise to the levels that we set for them, and those levels should always be higher than what we think, by default, they can achieve.
Great viewpoint, Patti! Thanks for your comment.
I have a friend who has a special needs child who I believe has undiagnosed Asbergers. He is now 16. She tells us all that “Drew” gets upset if we do X, Y, and Z and that “Drew” would like this or that, and that “Drew” needs his meds now or can’t do this or that because of his meds or condition. “Drew” is fully communicative and is always sitting right there when she says these things. Since his mother speaks for him he doesn’t have to learn to speak for himself or learn strategies to adapt in situations that are not “Drew” centered. Professionals have said that the two need to be separated in order for him to get better. Drew needs to be in a situation where more is expected of him rather being in situations where people are directed to make adjustments to him. So worried about this kid. So yeah, we have to expect more. With my own PDD-NOS kid I’m working on telling her what I expect from her ahead of time, because she just doesn’t know on her own. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. Great post.
Hi, Roxanne – thanks for your comment! As mothers we tend to naturally default to caretaker sometimes, but that can often be synonymous with controlling, even thought it’s not meant to be. Great work with your own child and great observation about your friend.
This reminds me of a quote from a manager of a restaurant where I formerly worked. “People will only do what they think you expect them to do.” I have found this to be true of most people, including myself. I try to keep this in mind with my son, who has autism. If no one thinks you can control yourself, why should you? It is hard to find the balance between expecting from our kids, and knowing their limits. I have to check myself pretty often.
Hi, Cheryl! That is a PERFECT quote. Thanks so much for sharing it. I, too, check myself regarding that delicate balance. I used to really stress over the fine line between giving my son the support and resources he needs without excusing bad behavior. As we well know, it’s a forever journey and process where we make small course changes practically each day. Thank you again for sharing your comment.
“Are there areas where you could expect more from your child?”
I do need to make my son use his new IPAD, Pro loquo at home more, but I have spent his entire life working to get him to verbalize more, so I am finding it difficult to shift to Assistive Communication Device. In some ways it is “both/and” instead of “either or”.
I also find myself orchestrating so much in his life that I have to purposely structure as much choices into my 17 y.o. son’s day as possible, otherwise his frustration builds up into anger. Because he has Down syndrome, and autism, and puberty brought an unknown profound regression, intermittent brain fog, and loss of most his language, it is much more difficult to identify his experience other than what I can glean from mother’s intuition/behavior analysis. Even with all of his challenges, I do have higher expectations of him than anyone else, because I am convinced of his proven and emerging capabilities, and would rather have him exercise his struggle muscles to do what he can for himself. It has always paid off in the past for us.
Hi, Kim! Thanks so much for your personal comments. I really appreciate hearing your experience, strength and hope!
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