Author Archives: Debi Taylor

autistic child worry

Why Won’t You Go to Sleep?!

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9 pm: the witching hour.

This is what a typical night in my house was like. Either the entire bedtime routine was a harrowing struggle or my son would go to bed willingly and get up every 7-1/2 minutes. Yes, really that often. Then, to add insult to injury, he would fall asleep just as my alarm went off at 5 am.

I did all the right things: the warm bath, stories, and bedtime milk… but by day six my “perfect” routine would transform into begging, threatening, bargaining, and sometimes even having a meltdown myself!

The worst part was when he kept me up all night literally bouncing off the walls, screaming, laughing, torturing the dogs, even torturing ME! If I did get to actually go to bed he would come into my room and climb all over me like I was a jungle gym, poke my face, stick his fingers up my nose, bounce on the bed, and giggle obnoxiously for HOURS. I used to think he was an android, because he would seemingly function perfectly the next day as if he required no sleep whatsoever.

It was killing me. Night after night after night after night of no sleep. When sleep deprivation is caused by another, even your innocent child that can’t help himself, the resentment builds and the patience lessens rapidly.

So I did something about it.

Now I want to help you do something about it, too!

It is estimated that between 60% and 80% of Autistic children have difficulty sleeping. This can include trouble falling asleep, restlessness and poor sleep quality, thrashing about, and early rising.

After spending month after month dealing with my son’s erratic and frustrating sleep patterns, I know and understand the challenges, hardships, and heartache associated with sleep deprivation. I also know the extreme health risks associated with sleep deprivation and insomnia, because I was experiencing them, and, even though it didn’t seem that way, so was my child.

After researching, experimenting, playing, and sometimes pulling my hair out, I found some really practical things that shifted our entire bedtime experience and brought sleep and peace back into my home! I was so excited about these solutions that I spent the last few months compiling them into one place so no one else has to live the way we were living night after night.

In my new book, 30 Ways To Get Your Child With Autism to Go to Sleep, I share everything I learned through months of research and trials and tribulations to not only cope with my son’s sleep struggles but to overcome them.

If you would like to learn things like:

✔ Sensory routines that instantly calm

✔ Suggestions for safe supplements to give your child

✔ Foods that may be making your child hyper and keeping him awake

✔ An ancient Chinese massage technique that greatly improves mood, behavior and sleep patterns

✔ How the color of your child’s room may set off unwanted stimulation

✔ Links to helpful resources and more

I encourage you to check out 30 Ways To Get Your Child With Autism to Go to Sleep.

Take back your nights and give yourself the gift of peace of mind and much needed downtime! YOU and your family deserve quality sleep and these tools will help you get it back!

Please share this post with other sleep-deprived families that struggle with bedtime, and send me your comments below or post on the SOA Facebook page to let me know which ones worked best for you!

autism verbal stim

Some Mornings Feel Like 17 Levels of…

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The other morning, before I even had a chance to hit snooze at 4:35, I woke up to this:

Click to hear (speakers DOWN!)

It proceeded for four and a half hours, until I left for work.

Trying to get out of bed, my son was standing over me making these very loud, bizarre noises.

Getting the three malamutes leashed up and ready for their morning walk, my son was trying to ride them and screamed the noises in their faces.

While I was preparing his breakfast, he would sneak up behind me and scream the noises so I jumped and spilled his food.

During my entire workout he would jump on my back, grab my leg, stand on my back while I was doing pushups, and fight with the dogs… all while making non-stop noises.

Whilst in the shower he would constantly open the curtain and scream (it echoes! Oh boy… even louder!) the noises.

Applying my makeup.

Getting dressed.

Making coffee.

Packing lunches.

Preparing the dogs’ treats.

Yes, four and a half hours. Of course, I was in rushing deadline mode, not patient parent mode, so I made the situation worse.

As I was leaving for the office, he immediately sat down and began composing beautiful original music on his DSi XL. Huh? Then he had the temerity to say to me, “Mom, it seems like you have your feathers in a bunch today.”

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So what was going on?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a distinct checklist or pattern that would solve for “x” (the noises).

It could have been something he ate or drank before I got up (clearly he was awake before my 4:30 alarm) that caused a reaction.

Maybe this was an extension of sensory-seeking behavior.

Maybe it was verbal stimming due to something was worrying him – a change in a pattern or schedule (he recently had some issues with visitation and his father).

Maybe he was bored.

Maybe he wanted attention.

Maybe he was just having an off day – we all have them. Children with Autism (and puberty!) may not intuitively know how to channel “bad day” energy.

What I do know is this: had I stopped for five minutes and employed one of the tools I normally pull out of my “patient parent toolbox”, I’m sure the morning would have gone differently. I’m not saying the behavior would have stopped completely, but here are some ways I could have redirected him:

  • Invited him to join me on any of the physical activities of the morning, like the dog walk or intervals (jumping jacks, jump rope, running in place, squats)
  • Taken a yoga break
  • Engaged him in a one-on-one activity that he loves (Hangman, Picto-chat, Uno)
  • Played a sensory game
  • Had a protein snack
  • Did an EFT tapping session
  • Designated a “screaming” area of the house where it’s okay to let it all out

These are all quick, simple ways to break the pattern of the morning. I, on the other hand, became stressed, got aggravated, and let the panic of being late overtake me. I got to work feeling like I wanted to carve out my intestines and strangle someone with them. Imagine how he felt, having all this energy in his body and not knowing how to get it out without getting in trouble!

Lesson learned. Sometimes we have to experience 17 levels downward before we can “level up”.

What about you? Have you seen a behavior recently that made you pull your hair out? What did you do about it? What could you have done differently? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

be like buddy

New Video Tool: It’s the ‘Be Like Buddy’ Online Launch Party!

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There is a new series of educational videos and teaching tools for children with Autism coming out this week called “Be Like Buddy” and I am joining my friend Cathy of Autism Home Rescue to spread the word to as many people as possible.

Though we, as parents, are typically inundated with every “new breakthrough Autism resource”, this one is really different.  It’s not therapy, nor does it promise any type of “cure.”

“Be Like Buddy” was created by one Dad, who enlisted a creative team of people like us:  Autism parents who really know what works, what helps, and what our children need.  This project was born out of one parent’s love for his child, and his desire to give his son the tools he needs to be able to experience life to the fullest extent possible.

On Thursday and Friday of this week (August 30 and 31), there will be an online launch party at www.belikebuddy.com, where you’ll be able to get the videos for FREE and they will work on virtually any device you have – your iPad, iPhone, or laptop!

I haven’t personally viewed these yet, but I love the story of their creation and am looking forward to downloading them! Though my son is 10, overrides his favorite video games by writing his own custom computer code, and does high school math, he still gets his social cues from Nick Jr.  I’m excited to see a video that will meet him on his level without any judgment or negative undertones.

Please “like” the Be Like Buddy Facebook page and tell your social friends, fans and likers to do the same.

Here is the formal “Be Like Buddy” press release.

Remember, “Be Like Buddy” launches Thursday, August 30th. Both pilot episodes will be offered for FREE until September 1.

Can’t wait to share comments about this great series with all you guys!

business woman holding up hands, "back up"

Special Needs Mothers Need Not Apply

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My neighborhood has a special Women’s Club that meets regularly and hosts family-oriented social events. I’m going to be direct and get right to the point: I have been asked by several women not to attend any of these meetings because I have an Autistic child.

Bear in mind, I have never brought my son to a meeting, he has never been to a social event, he has never caused a neighborhood “ruckus.” He has Autism. It’s not contagious, scary or dangerous. There’s nothing unusual to stare at when you meet him. Why, then, am I blatantly cast out?

I have been a single mom for nine years. My children and I have lived on this block, renting my home, since our return from Knoxville two years ago. I have never brought a date home (what’s dating, ha ha!), had a loud party, had any questionable visitors, or been in trouble with the law. In fact, having disaster response training under my belt and being a volunteer with the Fire Department, I would be an amazing resource for the community if someone would dare get to know me.

I walk my two giant Malamutes at least twice a day and always wave and exchange small talk with everyone I meet. Everyone waves and smiles back, yet we’re still not allowed into “the club” (first rule of Fight Club is…). Worse yet, I continually get asked why I’m not seen at the club meetings, and am also labeled the “crazy homeschooling neighbor that doesn’t participate.”

This just compounds our history of being kicked out of restaurants, book stores, flights (!), and why no one in my family will visit us. I’ve also been told he’s not Autistic, it’s my parenting that’s the problem. That’s a good one!

With all the awareness work and training I do, why are we still experiencing this kind of response from people?

What should I do?

Well, I have some options about my neighborhood. I don’t have the energy to tackle public places at the moment (I will move one mountain at a time!), but here are my choices:

  • I can whine about how unfair it is and feel like a victim
  • I can say, “Oh well,” and let it roll off my back, like water off a duck
  • I can organize a neighborhood gathering of my own, or request to be a special “guest speaker” at the next one

If I can train law enforcement, EMTs, and firefighters about Autism, why can’t I put something unique together to present to my neighbors? It would be so beneficial for everyone to learn a little more about Autism and my son in particular. This way, when we have a wandering situation (which recently happened!), I can feel like my neighbors have my back rather than feeling like they are sitting in judgement. Sure, they may continue to judge me after they learn more, but that’s none of my business.

Now I’d like to hear from you

Have you ever felt persecuted by a group due to your (or your child’s) Autism? How did you respond? Would you like to learn more about giving a small presentation to your neighborhood? Share your comments below, drop me an email, or say something on the SOA Facebook page – I always love sharing thoughts and ideas with you.

The 27-Minute Game: No More Fighting

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Do you ever fight with your child about how long they play video games or use their computer? If your house is like mine, some days it takes an Act of Congress to get my son out of his room and away from his favorite digital world. Sure, I’ve bribed. I’ve threatened. I’ve fought. All efforts can be fruitless when you’re having “one of those days,” right?

I don’t have to spell out the consequences of a child being penned in a small room, sedentary for most of the day. For my child especially it affects his sensory system and hyperactivity level directly. Not to mention the irregular eating and sleeping schedule and lack of desire to wear more than boxer briefs as additional side effects.

Last weekend I was tired of the arguing, coercing, cajoling, and emotional outbursts (not mine!). I had a full day of freelance work ahead of me but I didn’t want my son to be a hermit all day, offering occasional appearances spinning through the living room like the Tasmanian Devil. I invented a fun way to allow us to interact more and give him regular, much-needed diversions from Minecraft.

Sort of making it up as I went along, I gave my son a digital timer set for 27 minutes and instructed him to close the computer and come out when it went off. He was not in trouble and it wasn’t a new “rule,” rather a game we were trying.

When he came out I also closed my computer, put my phone away, and we played tic-tac-toe and hangman on paper. We had so much fun we started drawing afterward!

Wrapping up that enjoyable break, I handed him the timer, again set for 27 minutes. The next time he came out I had the table set with a fun “food-sculpture” breakfast laid out (yes, I play with my food!) for us both. We enjoyed a really nice, uninterrupted meal together.

The next round of our 27-minute break consisted of an obstacle course I set up in the back yard. The next, brushing the dogs together. No matter what project or email I was in the middle of I would close my computer and prepare something for us to do with our break. The exciting part was that when he came out each time he never knew what activity to expect.

What do you think started happening? The breaks starting becoming longer than the 27 minutes on the computer. My son’s mood and energy were consistent. We laughed. We engaged. We got stuff done.

In my current reality it is not always practical to get in the car (the one where the air conditioning doesn’t work – UGH!) and go do fun stuff. Sometimes I have to make do with what’s going on at home. The 27-minute game is a great way to have fun and manage both my son’s and my OWN habit of burying our faces in the computer for too long.

How about you? Do you have a way to keep healthy intervals flowing in your home? Share your thoughts by commenting below or posting on the SOA Facebook page!

You Hate My Autism!

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Some of you may have seen my recent “controversial” question I posted about a startling conversation I had with my son. I asked anyone who felt comfortable to share with me your thoughts and experiences surrounding the topic and I received an overwhelming response! Thank you to every single person who chose to chime in via Twitter, Facebook, or email. I am grateful for your unique perspectives and I’d like to share some of them here.

Here’s the original short post again:

I recently had an extensive evaluation done for my son with a cutting edge, holistic achievement center. The program offered is intense and lengthy but convinced me that my son would be able to reverse most of his balance/coordination/motor skills issues, digestive issues, academic imbalances and sensory challenges.

I asked my son later if this program sounded fun and exciting to him, and if he would like to start. He immediately blurted out, “You hate my Autism. You want my Autism to go away.”

Wow. Not what I expected from my 10 year-old. But I hear him loud and clear.

I am not trying to change who he is at all. I want only the best for him, and felt it my parental duty to merely CONSIDER whether or not a program that can help him open up to his abilities without much of the struggle would be in his best interest. If it worked, of course.

What do you think? I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what I should do, what I want to hear from you is how you feel about your OWN situation.

Would relieving some of the struggles = changing who your child is or who you are in your opinion? Does it mean you don’t accept them, or are you empowering them with new tools?

Is trying to help your Autistic child DENYING who he/she is?

With all of your permission, I’ve chosen some of the key points of some of your responses that I wanted to share.

Robert said:

“I think it’s a tough balance. When people ask me if I want to be ‘cured,’ I have to admit I have a hard time not taking offense. To me, it’s like asking me if I want to be cured of my skin color, Autism being so definitive a part of my identity as a whole person.

Still, are there things with which I know I need help? Of course, but I don’t want that help to come at a cost of who I am. I also don’t want those interventions to define so much of the time in my life that I feel I’m not allowed to be myself.”

You can find more about Robert at simplyrobert.wordpress.com where he occasionally blogs about Autism, but more often about his Autistic interests. (I think it’s a great resource! Love the post on productivity!)

Another Autistic adult reminded me that an important aspect to consider is where the Autistic person might be coming from.  My eyes were opened to some really great points that I absolutely had to share with you:

“We live in a world that is not only ‘not made for people like us,’ but openly hostile to our differences. We are told, ‘Stop rocking!  Stop flapping!  Stop talking to yourself!’ without any consideration of what purpose these activities serve.

When we are bullied or mistreated, WE are the ones sent to ‘social skills training’ so we can ‘learn how to fit in’, as if it’s our fault for being so different. But I want to illustrate the general environment we face, and my point is that it can cause us to see ANY attempt to help as yet another way of squelching the person inside.

There are also people who feel that their Autistic traits are very much part of who they are, and taking them away would also be taking away a piece of themselves, even if that ‘piece’ causes a lot of apparent heartache.”

This reader does various therapies for her children but is careful not to frame them as “helping with Autism,” rather something they do to help them succeed in life (much like going to school or learning their ABCs).

Brilliantly put.

One of my favorite social media friends and fellow bloggers shared:

“Where does my Autism end and where do I begin? This nasty little quandary works just as well when reversed as well. I say your son is brilliant because he’s too young to be so self-aware. I’m both impressed and saddened that he’s already dealing with this one.  He needs more time to mature before tackling such heady stuff.

I confess. I’ve struggled with this one myself. If offered a cure for my own issues, I don’t think I’d take it. I’m not sure how much of me would go with the ‘bad stuff’.  I like some of the stuff that I KNOW a cure would take away.

He has to come to terms with the fact that Autism doesn’t define him.”

That is a fine line that I think must be explored at a pace that is comfortable for each individual.

My close friend in the Fire Rescue Reserve that assists me when I teach my Autism CERT module sent me a heartfelt testimonial after seeing my post:

“For me, through my early teen years after I was diagnosed, I constantly tried to dismiss the fact I had Autism, I felt ashamed, scared, and angry with the fact. At that time in the world little was known to the general public and many doctors about Autism. This in turn made it harder for me to accept. My parents tried many things and none really worked in the end. I had been diagnosed so many times and been to so many doctors I was starting to shut the world out and just didn’t want to accept the fact that I had Autism.

Later on in my late teens and early twenties I found that support group that I had been missing. This group consisted of both friends my age and their families near me. Through the experiences we shared I grew little by little and eventually learned how to deal with my Autism in my own way. These experiences have molded me into who I am today. Today I am finishing my criminal Justice degree. I also am a volunteer with a large metro area fire department which has provided a further opportunity to expand my support group. Through volunteering here I now assist with teaching of the community emergency response team class. This in turn has helped me practice being around people and learning social cues and understanding my Autism. In a big way volunteering has helped reduce the pangs that come with having Autism.”

I always hear great gems of wisdom when I invite his perspective into my teachings.

A wonderful parent told me:

“When my son was diagnosed with PDD, initially, as his Mom and as a clinical social worker, I wanted to get him all the help and services I possibly could! I had heard how early intervention was SO important and he was only diagnosed at age 6. So, I made sure we got an IEP, got him into a friendship group at school and a social skills group privately. I also got him OT to help with the sensory integration issues. I have to admit, although this was helpful in the beginning, this packed our schedule and we all felt extremely overbooked and stressed!

…my perspective began to change. I started placing him in supportive activities that he enjoys and feels help him. We continued the social skills group, but let the OT go (after a year of treatment), and instead, he joined a non-competitive swim team. The swim team allows my son to feel included in a sport, he may never win a race, but that doesn’t matter, to me what matters is that he feels like one of the other boys, included! I have since looked for other ways he can “fit in” with other kids, instead of looking for services specific to his diagnosis.

…we have accepted that our son will be different, it’s who he is and I really don’t want to change that, but, like you I want the best for him and don’t want to see him struggle too much. The older he gets, he’ll be nine this summer, the more I have been letting go and allowing him to learn more for himself about what is helpful to him. I have begun trusting in his ability to know what is best for him, as I don’t have the same issues he has.”

What a great reminder. At 10, I forget that he is aware of what serves him. Not to mention that the children coming forth today really are so much more connected to their inner “GPS” of what they want and need than we ever were!

Another social media friend I admire wrote:

“Tough question. Complex answer. I understand your desire to ‘normalize’ your son as much as is possible. There are things you describe that have real effect on us and our ability to live happy and fulfilling lives. This much cannot be denied.

On the other hand, we are what we are. While my Autism has handed me some wonderful abilities, it has also granted me vast lacuna in other abilities.

Still. . . Autism is not something added to a normal person. Autism is not something removed from a normal person. Autism is a large set of differences between one group of persons and everyone else.

Autism is identity which runs deeper than a name. Autism is what I am, it is the base upon which I build me.

…here is the key: the real indicator here, the only valid indicator, is your son’s voicing of his opinion.

Thank you for that reinforced point. He would not have expressed an opinion if he didn’t feel it strongly!

Another mom shared:

“A parent’s job is to help our children flourish, to become the best that they can be! I totally get that. I too try my best to help my son in anyway I can, without extremes…

As far as helping him with his balance/coordination/motor skills, in the long run, that is definitely going to benefit him. He will be able to take part in more ways when it comes to playing, maybe get picked to play with other kids, so I can see where that would help him.

If it were my son, I would let him have a say in the decision. Ask him why he does or doesn’t want to participate, get his point of view, and take it into consideration. Since it is about him, and it is his Autism.”

WOW! What amazing responses!

All this being said, we chose not to participate in that program. I also chose to check my perspective and make sure that I am in complete acceptance and appreciation for who both my children are when I engage with them. At all times. It has made a difference.

Am I giving up on finding additional tools and resources for him? No. After all I am always looking for tools, supports and resources for my daughter AND myself! It’s a journey. As Abraham-Hicks says, “You never get there. You’re never done.” What I DID give up was the urgency that something must be done to “help.” The inner panic that somehow I am not doing all I can for him.

As soon as I made this shift, this wonderful organization showed up in my inbox. That’s a pretty big wink from The Universe, eh?

Guest Post with Exclusive Sneak Peek: Legends of the Boo-Monster

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I am proud to present this guest post by Shawn Colton, who is currently working on a book called, “Legends of the Boo-Monster.” It is a fictional story based on the real-life family adventures of him and his son, David, who lives with low-functioning autism.

It was a piece of artwork that turned what originally had been the idea for a non-fiction e-book about my son David’s low-functioning autism into the fantasy project that I’m working on today. Last year I commissioned a piece of artwork which would depict our little family of three as fantasy characters, but in the style of a very earthly family portrait. Seeing my non-verbal son David, who we affectionately call the Boo-Monster, as an actual monster immediately made me rethink what kind of book I’d be writing. What if I decided to tell David’s story as a sweeping adventure that just happened to focus around a little monster with autism? It might be a very good, and very different way for kids and adults alike to better understand the condition and the challenges that come along with it.

That piece of artwork was created by the man I named my son after, David “Ragz Dandelion” Hanson, and I’m very fortunate to have Ragz at my side to do the artwork for this illustrated novel.

When I began my Kickstarter campaign to get this book made, Debi Taylor of Spirit of Autism was one of the first to contribute to the project. So instead of writing a guest post in the blog, telling the story of the project, I decided to give her readers a sneak peek with an exclusive excerpt of the book.

This excerpt focuses on the Boo-Monster’s unique mind, and how his parents deal with it, in the fantasy world known as the Continent of Monsters.

The Boo-Monster was creating Boo-namis in the bath tub. I was getting soaked. “Has it ever occurred to your unique mind,” I asked him “that perhaps I wanted to wait for my bath?”  He laughed. I was still trying to wash the mud out of my fur, maybe he was trying to help.

The Boo-Monster loved water. But a bubble bath?  The one thing the Boo-Monster loved more than water was bubbles. Water and bubbles equals Boo-Monster heaven. He also liked to splash; and by splash I mean he liked to create tidal waves that soaked not only the bathing room floor but whoever was giving him a bath, which was usually me. The Boo-Monster had an endless supply of bath foam delivered secretly each month for the last couple of years by the mysterious “Friends of the Boo-Monster.” They always just left it on the porch. I had an idea who these angels of suds might be, but I didn’t want to ruin their fun by staking out the porch all night to be sure.

Monsters who meet the Boo-Monster for the first time are always stunned by, and maybe a little afraid of, his energy level and ability to create cheerful havoc. The Boo-Monster rarely stops moving. He’s forever running, hopping, flapping, shaking his head back and forth like he’s dancing to some dissonant music that only he can hear. The Boo-Monster may not speak but he yelps, yodels, babbles, buzzes, and occasionally delivers a thunderous “Ah-BOO!” Boo-Monsters also like to jump. A lot. The impact from his jumping results in what might be described as small earthquakes. Things needed to be practically glued to shelves in the “prime jumping zones” or they’ll come crashing to the floor; which he seems to enjoy seeing. Recently a group of industrious web-spinning monsters and pluckables have created a trampoline for him to jump on that absorbs some Boo-Monsters seismic impact. We love the web-spinners here at Stately Boo-Monster Manor.

As I reached for a towel to dry Boo-Monster off I saw a reminder that the Boo-Monster was not indestructible. It was lizard-skinned, water-proof sheath we needed to use when bathing the Boo-Monster after he fractured his wrist at school a couple of years ago.

One of the things that always amazed Selana and me about the Boo-Monster, during his first seven years, was how infrequently he got hurt. He seemed fearless, but his balance was amazing, he hardly ever fell, never tripped over anything, or stepped on things that would hurt him. While non-distant monsters were frequently getting bruised and scraped during play, the Boo-Monster seemed impervious to any sort of physical damage. It was as if he was more keenly aware of his surroundings than other little monsters. As it turns out, however, he is not as keenly aware of the presence of other little monsters.

One morning, at the Brehm School for the Distant, the Boo-Monster was attempting to swing from some playground equipment and a tiny classmate ran underneath him, surprising him and caused him to crash to the ground. The note I received from the school nurse when he returned home told me of the incident and noted that he had scraped his face and seemed in shock, not wanting to do much else for the rest of the day, but showed no signs of pain such as crying or whimpering.

I sat Boo-Monster down to have some juice and an after school snack and I noticed that he wasn’t using his left hand for anything, and he was left handed. By the end of the night we Selana and I decided it would be best to take him to urgent care the next day.

The Boo-Monster had fractured his wrist in the fall. Now I know if I fractured my wrist I’d be in a lot of pain and would not be able to ignore it, but the Boo-Monster proved to us that he was a warrior. With the cast they provided he was able to use his left hand a little bit and dealt with the whole process bravely. Eight weeks later he had the cast removed. There was some difficulty in keeping him calm during the whole process, which was a frequent challenge in public places. Other monsters looked on disapprovingly as if we needed to control our child better, which was a fairly typical reaction from monsters that just didn’t know any better, but if I started letting that bother me I’d be in an asylum by now.

I was drying a very squirmy, flapping Boo-Monster when Selana walked in looking stunning, as always. “I’m off to the Research Symposium where I plan to dazzle the academic world.”

“You dazzle well,” I said, and gave her a light kiss on the lips.

“How’s my lipstick?” she asked, as she always did when I kissed her before she went somewhere.

“It looks lucky to be on such a pretty face,” I answered.

The Boo-Monster, no fan of displays of marital affection from his silly parents, forced himself between us before I could get him dressed.

“Stop!” I roared and chased after him with his singlet in hand. Selana laughed and told us she loved us before leaving. I managed to get the Boo-Monster in his singlet and looked out the window as her carriage with a dragon horse driver trotted down the road. The Boo-Monster was saying something like “Ba-be-ba” behind me and I was struck in the back of my head with a big rubber ball. Someone wanted to play catch.

If you want to read more about the wonderful adventures of the Boo-Monster, make sure you head over to Kickstarter and make a pledge to back it. Every dollar helps this creative project come closer to fruition.

Intro to NVC for Asperger’s Teens and Adults

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If you are a teen or adult on the Autism Spectrum or a parent or professional that engages with someone on the Autism spectrum, you may be interested in how the Social Skills practices of NVC can serve you.

My new friend Bob Yamtich is an Aspie adult who is trained in a social skills process called Nonviolent CommunicationSM (NVC). He has shared this process at Asperger’s support groups in the San Francisco Bay Area and many people shared how much it contributes to them in their communications.

He is visiting Atlanta and offering an introductory Tuesday, June 19, from 7 to 9 pm at the workshop space of local NVC trainers in Tucker. It will be will be a combination of mini-lessons, live modeling, and active practice will help participants get an introduction to Nonviolent CommunicationSM. Bob invites teens and adults on the autism spectrum, and professionals and parents who work with people on the spectrum.

Some great things included in this workshop:

  • Mini-lessons include distinctions between needs and strategies and between empathy and sympathy
  • What clues can we use, both cognitive and feelings-based, to connect to what we and others care about?
  • Learning self-connection, using logical abilities to hear what is important to somebody, and developing authentic self-expression

So what the heck is NVC?

I absolutely love the description on the site of local GaNVC trainers, Sacred Space:

What is unique about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), beyond other restorative and life-enriching tools, is that it gets us out of our stories — the stories that we’ve already told over and over to no avail to deaf or disinterested ears, without relief. NVC moves us beyond relating what’s happening to us via analysis, blame, criticism, evaluation, or judgment — beyond stories based on verbal violence. NVC helps us address what’s alive in us today … this moment … so that our histories don’t continue to overshadow and dictate our present.

The tools of Nonviolent Communication help us reach the frustrated needs behind strong feelings and the stories. NVC connects us with others through attention to the universal needs that we all share, thereby fostering empathy. NVC fosters understanding, genuine connection and the resulting opportunity to jointly co-create strategies for resolution that can address the needs of all concerned. This practice can help assure that all voices are valued and heard before strategies are formed.

I am very excited to learn more about the connection Bob has discovered between NVC and helping those on the Autism Spectrum be more in touch with their needs and feelings. I know this knowledge will help me in my training programs for Emergency Responders.

If you are local to Atlanta and wish to attend this workshop, please RSVP to Bob at bobyamtich@gmail.com.

Download the flyer here for more information, or to print and share.

I will be posting a follow up regarding what I learned, so look for that soon!

How Communicating With My Child Helps Everywhere Else in My Life

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Do you know how many times I still communicate with my son in the same fashion that my own mind processes and regurgitates information? I can jump from topic to topic getting distracted along the way (squirrel!), all the while murmuring snide remarks and sarcastic jokes under my breath about something funny I just noticed. Somewhere, embedded within my ADD spiel, lies an actual command for him to follow.

After all that, I find myself frustrated and shocked that he’s saying, “What?” to the very first sentence that kicked off the whole monologue. He heard nothing past that!

This type of spastic conversation is fine with my daughter, who follows every tangent and sarcastic comparison with uncanny speed. She’s even a step ahead of me at times! But it’s another story with my son. Another plane. Another universe.

I briefly touched on the differences in how my son processes information with my Hardware Store for a Loaf of Bread story, but I wanted to expand on it to include a deeper perspective: the way I have used this understanding to routinely communicate with others around me. Especially in the business world.

Have you ever asked someone for the status of something and received a return email that wandered all over the place but still left off some vital information (kinda like the way I talk sometimes)? How hard is it to dig through someone’s stories, excuses, and unrelated or irrelevant statements only to find that you overlooked the actual information you needed because it was buried “below the fold”?

How about looking over a proposal that has the price mixed in with the benefits, solution and problem… product features are listed inconsistently with irregular bolding and capitalization… I can’t.

I used to be able to follow those serpentine-like speeches from others and would often write in the same manner, (if a train was traveling at x mph and left he station at 6:15 in Austria…) but now I’m much more cognizant of how I can dance around the point I need to get across if I’m not careful.

Because of the way I need to speak and write for Justin so that he can understand what is being communicated to him, I have learned to carry that into other aspects in my world. I ask myself if the words I’m using are necessary to the sentence I’m typing. I remind myself to simplify. I am intentionally clear and concise.

“You can have the children on the weekend of the 13th.”

“The following sizes are available for your website banner ad.”

“These items are still needed in order for me to create your website.”

“I can train your department on the 15th at 4 pm or the 18th at 11 am. Please let me know which date works for you.”

Occasionally, I forget to include some customary small talk when I’m communicating, which isn’t always optimal, either. I’m not a robot and I never mean to be rude! But for the most part, all of my clients have remarked on the smooth process and clear updates they receive in my emails or proposals. Stopping and asking myself how my son might interpret something helps me stay on task in my communication goals with others. Sticking to facts in a polite tone can also evade arguments that some people try desperately to engage you in, by the way :)

As far as my fast-paced brain at home goes, at least I know now that when my son asks for clarification on the second word (and I’m already into the tenth sentence) it does not mean that he’s tuned me out or is choosing to be non-compliant. It means I need to slow down and finish one complete thought in a clear way before moving on. What a great lesson.

What about you? Are there new ways that you have learned to communicate from your child with Autism? I’d love to hear your comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

For the Mom Who…

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…has to drive her infant around at 2 in the morning because being in a moving car is the only way he will go back to sleep.

…sometimes cooks three separate meals for dinner because her picky eater will only have pizza – but the crust has to be right, it can’t be too cheesy, the pepperoni better not be the spicy kind and there can’t be too much sauce. Oh and definitely not the sauce that is too sweet or has any green stuff in it.

…on some days actually falls asleep standing in the shower.

…most likely has read “Goodnight Moon” to her child at least 6, 947 times and still does the funny voices.

…gave up grown-up music in the car for about ten years in favor of Kidz Bop, Disney, and Pokemon CDs.

…can fix her child’s toys or computer, put together a shelving unit, replace worn appliance parts, mow the lawn, and still remove splinters with the precision of a surgeon.

…wants so badly to fix everything for her children but knows she must stand by and let them have the experience on their own.

…will be there to help pick up the pieces when they don’t quite get it right the first time, and encourage them to try again.

…always makes sure the house is never completely out of any grocery item, and the lunchboxes and coffee are always ready in the morning, without exception.

…simply doesn’t have time to be sick. Ever.

…has to endure the glares of people that think she simply doesn’t spank her special needs child enough when he’s having sensory meltdowns in public.

…eats the burnt toast so everyone else can enjoy their breakfast and nothing has to be wasted.

…sometimes cries when no one’s looking.

…knows that her children are here to teach her, too.

…gets up every single day and does what needs to be done no matter what kind of mood she’s in.

…accepts that right now it’s okay that her child with Autism is 10 and still needs help showering, using the bathroom, dressing, and brushing his teeth. She performs these tasks with grace.

…celebrates every success, large or small, and takes nothing for granted.

…knows that her children love her, but sometimes wishes they would show it a little more. However, she doesn’t require it to keep her heart open.

…goes to bat for her children, unconditionally, because their success is non-negotiable.

…always encourages her children to be their unique and authentic self.

…realized early on that there’s no turning back – this is a lifetime job and it isn’t for weenies.

…still knows how to dance with confidence, even if it’s in her living room. On the coffee table.

…learned long ago that the workload will never be “even” or “fair,” and that’s okay.

…considers the simplest pleasures a big deal, because life is precious and all we really have is the now.

…knows that her children chose her before coming to this crazy, adventurous place, and she is grateful.

…remembers that shining her light and being her true self is the greatest gift she can give to her children, for it inspires them to do the same.

…simply does her best, because there is no manual for this gig!

I salute you. All of you. Single moms, married moms, “unplanned” moms, adoptive moms, older moms, teenage moms, special needs moms…we have a bond – a circle – that is unbreakable. You are all amazing – don’t wait for others to honor you. Celebrate and honor yourself and the successes that YOU create.

Happy Mother’s Day!

What about you? Post some other “for the Mom who…” sentences below or share them on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!