Category Archives: Viewpoints

Braving the Public… Meltdowns and “The Look”

Posted on by

I posted a question on Twitter and Facebook last week that stirred quite a few comments! The question was:

Parents: how many times have you gotten “the look” in public places… as if people were saying “Why can’t you control your child?”

The myriad responses I received ranged from “It is so stressful, we don’t even bother anymore” to “I don’t even notice because I don’t care what people think!”.  It was great! You know what? I can relate to every single bit of feedback I received. I have been in all of those places emotionally and even gone so far as to second-guess or blame myself and my parenting skills along the way.

No one said this job was easy. To quote a dear friend of mine, “Parenting is not for weenies.”

I can’t count how many times I’ve had to rapidly exit a grocery store, leaving a full cart, because my child escaped and was running up and down the aisles, screaming and crashing into endcaps. I can’t tell you how many times we spent $70 at the movies only to be kicked out of the theatre before the previews were even over. I can’t recall how many times we had to leave a restaurant, paying for food that never came because of meltdowns. And don’t get me started on how I know the response time of Fire Station 5 so well ;)

I have experienced parents tell me I need to spank or beat (!) my child, I have gotten countless dirty looks from others in public places, I have been told by security officers that I need to “reel in my kid”, and I have been called a bad mother more times than I can remember. It’s not fun. I don’t even want to get into airplane follies!

As a single parent, I don’t have the luxury of another adult when out in public to take my son outside for a sensory break, put him in a time out, or to leave him with at home so I can do the shopping alone. What I also didn’t have until the last few years, though, was knowledge and understanding of Sensory Processing Disorder, a list of key things that set my son off, and tools to help me make the right decisions about taking him out.

I know we can all share horror stories. I’ve probably stifled and suppressed most of mine :) BUT I thought it would be helpful for me to share what we do RIGHT now. Meltdowns these days are minimal, if not completely gone.

Know when the odds are stacked against you. Is it close to nap time? Has your child been stuck inside with no exercise? Did he just have a big, sugary snack? Or is he really hungry? Conversely, are YOU exhausted and sleep-deprived? Squeezing things into your schedule and feeling pressed for time? These are NOT good times to take your child with Autism to the store, restaurant, bank, or any other errands. It may be inconvenient, but it is worth it to wait until all the odds are in your favor so you can handle any situation from a place of calm and grounded peace. When you can respond, not react, it changes everything.

Avoid busy times. Try to go to your favorite places when they are not too crowded. So what if your schedule is different than the rest of the world’s? The extra quiet atmosphere may be totally worth it.

Understand what your child experiences. I used to just see bad behavior. Then I would try to reason with it, yell, lose my patience, bargain with it… yes, these were really effective :) The truth of the  matter is, your child may be under assault by her senses. If you can stand a little bit of bad language, this is a GREAT video to illustrate a meltdown. I love it. Sensory Overload Simulation

You can also read one of my earlier articles, Why Does My Autistic Child Scream?! which helps explain what’s going on neurologically.

Physical exercise first. Taking 5 extra minutes before going out to toss a sandbell with your child, run a quick relay race, do some animal crawls, or just run in place can change their entire mood and energy level for your outing. Fitness creates focus, provides an energy release, and gives your child a nice self-esteem boost along the way!

Anticipate and arm yourself with supports. Bring things like noise-blocking headphones, supermarket bingo, things to draw with, snacks, or even video games if you deem them appropriate. Know where exits are as well as a quiet place to go for a five-minute sensory break if needed. Illustrate clear consequences for misbehavior prior to entering your destination, but also make it clear that breaks and time outs for his body are not the same as being in trouble! It also couldn’t hurt to have a plan B.

Look for flags. You know what it looks like when your child first starts to get overloaded. Don’t wait until the situation spins out of control before addressing it. If possible, give your child choices and encourage her to make the right ones for her. I can now ask my son, “Are you screaming for fun, or does your body hurt?” (sometimes he’s just being a boy!) I’ve had him hold up numbers to tell me where his body is on a meltdown scale – 1 being perfectly fine and 5 being totally out of control.

Compassion. It’s never easy to walk that fine line between disciplining a behavior when your child can clearly help it versus giving them support and understanding when they truly can’t. The bottom line is, we are all doing the best we can. If you think you’re frustrated by a behavior your child exhibits, imagine how he feels getting in trouble for his ears hurting or his nerve endings feeling like they’re on fire. Imagine yourself not being able to tell if you’re standing up straight or falling over, and then getting yelled at for touching the wall and not knowing why. I’m not saying all behavior is okay and should be overlooked, but seeing things through your child’s eyes (or ears, or hands) can instantly melt your frustration into compassion and assistance for your child to step into his best self!

What other public tips and tools work for you? What attitudes have you shifted that changed your experience? I’d love to hear about them!

5 Ways to Tell Your Children That You Love Them

Posted on by

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Today is a great day for me to reflect on how lucky I am to have two amazing children and a beautiful (expecting!) wolfie-dog in my home. Every day is an adventure and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Recently, things have definitely been a bit strained in our house as we move through the shift of the changing times! Especially amidst the madness of single parenthood, it is so vital to take time out simply appreciate my family. Here are a few ways I love to show it:

Unplug. Turning off the iPhone, stepping away from the computer, and being present with the kids as my first and only priority – it works wonders!

Be silly. Maybe it’s embarrassing to them, but having the courage to be goofy in front of others gives my children permission to express themselves and creates lots of memories to laugh about later.

Love notes. Taking the three extra seconds to draw a funny face on my daughter’s sandwich bag, leave a note in my son’s lunchbox, or tape a sign to the TV or bathroom mirror always adds a little extra smile for the recipient :)

Change the routine. Sometimes spontaneously deciding to go out to eat, have breakfast for dinner, or go the park for a picnic will shake up the routine and add a new perspective. Letting the kids have a turn to choose is even better!

Tell them. Sounds easy, right? How often we forget to ‘catch our kids being good’ and tell them what you LOVE about their behavior, viewpoints, or appearance. The next time you want to nag about what they forgot to do, try noticing what they remembered and see the ripple effect!

How do you express your love to your kiddos? Feel free to share your unique ideas on our Facebook page!

What Do You Do When Your World Turns Updside-Down?

Posted on by

So.

You’re cruising along, making progress, taking the normal ups and downs in stride… suddenly, without warning… BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under you and you find yourself spinning, reeling, and unable to take a breath deep enough to satisfy your lungs. What do you do when crisis strikes your home? How do you stop yourself from falling all the way down to the bottom? Is there a bottom, or is it just fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) that grabs hold?

My world changed a few weeks ago and it shook the very core of my being. And although I am not in the clear by any means, I feel I am now able to at least start gathering the pieces of myself and my family and pulling them into some semblance of normalcy!

Holding on to the sides of the wall is progress from tumbling with increasing velocity… so here are some tools and lessons that helped stop my fall and kept me strong for my children:

Perspective and gratitude.

No matter WHAT’S happening, it can always be worse. That may sound trite, but it is so very true. At the height of our crisis, I continued (and continue) to count my blessings and focus on the things that are going right. It doesn’t eradicate the fear and reality of what’s happening altogether, but it’s a great home base :)

Take a break for self-care.

After being in survival-mode for so many days in a row, I was horrified to find that I hadn’t eaten or slept in quite some time. This only makes the situation worse!! It is not selfish (well, it’s the appropriate selfish) to stop, breathe, take a long bath, or spend some time laughing in the midst of crisis. Even 10 minutes can repair parts of your soul and make a huge difference in your perspective and ability to cope.

Keep routines in place.

Despite the world being upside-down, I did my best to keep as much of my normal routine in place so things did not take a nose dive even faster. There is comfort and ease in routine schedules. Of course, eating and sleeping would have been good parts of my routine to keep in place, but… progress not perfection!

Keep your children in the loop… appropriately.

While I didn’t tell my children the absolute depth and underlying meanings of what was happening, I did make them aware that we were in trouble. This accomplished two things: allowed them to creatively step into their power and pool resources that I may not have considered and kept them out of the “scary unknown”. Going through something of this  magnitude and trying to maintain that all is perfectly fine with your children is extremely detrimental. The unknown, unspoken tension is so much worse than the reality of a situation. But again, this doesn’t mean spilling adult-sized problems onto little shoulders. Filters and balance are key.

Ask for help.

This is a TOUGH one! I have never been good at it, and it is not comfortable at all for me. But I did it, and I am blown away by the outpouring of love and assistance from friends and neighbors. Gratitude!

Receive with grace.

Shutting my mouth and saying, “Thank you” is also not one of my strengths. What I realized is that by not accepting or excusing away assistance offered is denying someone the gift of helping. It’s not all about me :)

Feel your emotions but don’t let them consume you.

I found myself consistently toggling back and forth between getting caught up in the hideous emotions that accompany a situation such as this and not feeling anything at all. Neither of these are the right choice. By feeling my emotions, I am honoring them rather than stuffing them down. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay there and build a condo, as someone once told me! I cannot effectively process and release emotions unless I allow myself to feel them.

Get creative.

It is easy to continue to look for the one situation or event that I think will solve my problem. But that is limited thinking. I can be open to multiple solutions that come in many forms. I will continue to explore them all with an open mind, as well as fine-tune what I’m already doing. It’s not a “here and there” situation, it’s a growth opportunity. Yes, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!

I hope these tools help you through anything that comes your way!

How do you handle unexpected twists and turns from life? I’d love to hear! Also, stay tuned as I resume the amazing projects I have in store for all of you… I promise they are worth the wait!

Blessings!

Debi

What’s So Familiar About Cheese?

Posted on by

Image from dvdverdict.com

I’m going to take a short break this week from the scientific philosophies, the tips and tools, the family stories, and the therapy program discussions and simply share an amusing correlation I made about Autism and a beloved, lesser-known cartoon character. Please note that by no means am I undermining, making fun of, or minimizing anything about my child or any of the brilliant angels on the Autism Spectrum. This is just something I found entertaining and a wee bit insightful about perspective.

My children used to religiously watch Cartoon Network’s “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.” This cute and creative show is about imaginary friends being left to fend for themselves after the children that created them outgrew them and the elderly woman that founded a home for them to be re-adopted one day.

Somewhat mid-season, a character was introduced named Cheese. Wikipedia describes him as “a simple, pale-yellow-colored friend who debuted in “Mac Daddy”. He appears to be somewhat madcap and dim-witted, often saying incoherent or non-sequitur phrases, and breaking into sudden bouts of screaming when frightened or when he doesn’t get his way. Cheese likes goldfish crackers, cereal, juice, chocolate milk (although he is lactose-intolerant), and so on..”

Here are some other things I noted about Cheese:

  • He is never actually mischievous, he just does things in the moment that please him
  • The other characters see him as annoying to be around
  • He is unable to understand anyone else’s viewpoint or perception
  • He tries to do things himself and gets frustrated when he can’t
  • He tries to fit in with the other friends but is very socially awkward
  • He is addicted to cereal and milk, though his body can’t tolerate them (gluten and casein!)
  • He is perceived as “slow” yet he is actually quite brilliant, especially in the episode where the Headmaster punched in a random code on the new alarm system and locked everyone out of the house. Cheese actually remembered the entire (ridiculously long) sequence by tone and could repeat it verbatim; however, he would only agree to help if they made a game out of it and EVERYONE played along.
  • He repeats phrases and gets “stuck” on one or two topics of choice
  • He is a “space invader”: he often crashes into Bloo while playing or follows him around within an inch or two of him
  • He has no regard for danger and needs to be watched carefully
  • He is prone to wandering, and even took a bus through town by himself because of an innocent, unexplained thought he was compelled to follow
  • He is very loud, but he can’t tell that it’s not a normal volume
  • Some typical sensory experiences that other kids would enjoy frighten or bother him

By now, I’m sure you’re starting to see where I’m going with this :)

Maybe some viewers initially see Cheese as “that annoying kid with behavior issues who lacks discipline from his creator” (sound familiar?). I see this character as the quintessential snapshot of a high-functioning Autistic child. In fact, he’s a lot like my son. A lot.

His recurring appearances sprinkled throughout the show illustrate a journey with the other characters that really hits home for me. It’s a journey that goes from avoidance and rejection to an eventual understanding of him.  Ultimately the characters move into compassion and acceptance of Cheese into their community… and even offer their friendship.

Whether that was the creator’s intention or not, that’s my takeaway! Bravo, Craig McCracken.

Here are a couple of short videos to enjoy if you’re not familiar with the character!

Tribute to Cheese

Cheese Alarm Code

Stunning Stocking Stuffers and Funny Bathtub Antics

Posted on by

My good friends at The Puzzling Piece created these really cool gifts that would be perfect in the stocking of anyone that has been touched by Autism. According to the Autism Society of Greater Georgia, there a child is diagnosed with Autism every 20 minutes. I am certain that you know a family member, neighbor, co-worker or friend whose life has been affected by an Autism Spectrum Disorder. What better way to show your support than with one of these stunning and unique gifts?

Click HERE to order

_______________________________________________

Washing Logic Down the Drain

Recently my bathtub decided to start taking 20+ minutes for the water to exit the drain. It seemed to become a slow and laborious task with no prior warning. Being that I have a husky that leaves puppy-sized fur spheres around the house (no, I didn’t feed her after midnight!) and a daughter with Alanis Morissette hair, I suspected it was a typical blockage and did what any good woman would do: bought a giant bottle of Liquid Plumber.

The entire bottle, emptied in 45-minute segments could not help this drain. What on earth had gotten down through the drain screen that could have caused such a sudden backup? It was becoming dangerous at that point to have the tub fill over six inches each time I showered, as it left a nice layer of soap, shampoo, and conditioner residue each day. Not to mention how disgusting it is to not be able to effectively clean it because it wasn’t draining properly.

My landlord came to the rescue, emptying a quarter of a bottle of lye into the drain… but it, too, was ineffective. He returned a few days later with a new bottle of lye, figuring it was simply a stubborn block that needed a double dose.

Nope.

Regretfully, we had to call a plumber. Soap-skating in my tub each day had “Emergency Room” written all over it :)

The day before he was scheduled to arrive, my landlord came over to try out one more idea. He unpacked his bucket o’ supplies and knelt on the floor. As I was standing in the doorway making pleasant conversation, my lovely son came running up and crashed into me, declaring “Uh… you have to pull the lever down!” He promptly whizzed out of the room and carried on his noise-making elsewhere.

It took a minute to register: holy cow. The lever that controls whether or not the tub drains was in the “up” position. Oops!

In my defense (please hear me out! This is not as bad as the day I drove off with the drive-through bank tube!), we always use the Rubbermaid tub stopper thing (pictured to the right), so it’s not as if I took a bath one day and forgot to put the lever back!

I simply found it nothing short of amazing that this child, seemingly unaware of the situation at hand, be-bopped into the bathroom and made the most logical, simple connection that the rest of us had missed for several days.

Do you have any funny stories or experiences similar to this? I’d love to hear them! Leave a comment below, or post it on my Facebook page!!

15 Simple Pleasures… It’s the Little Things15 Simple Pleasures… It’s the Little Things

Posted on by

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I found myself inspired of course to talk about gratitude… but with a slightly different spin on it.

One of the most profound lessons I’ve received from my child with Autism came from watching him stay in the now. There’s a huge part of me that honestly believes our children coming forth today with a cornucopia of learning disabilities are really “upgraded” versions of us… neurologically evolved. Like a mini-me 2.0 :)

They are programmed with an inner GPS that keeps them in alignment with who they are and what makes them happy. They don’t seem to be affected by the same time constraints, worries, anxieties about the future, and limiting beliefs that keep me stuck in my head. Watching my son be totally absorbed in the tiniest thing that amuses him really inspires me to take a step back and appreciate the moment. After all, the now is really all we have! The past is in our minds and the future is merely projected outcomes that may or may not ever occur.

So here’s my list of 15 silly things that bring me joy. What are yours?

  1. Getting to lick the cake or brownie batter when the kids aren’t looking
  2. The first sip of my morning coffee on the days that the cream-to-sweetener ratio is just right
  3. When the dog trots playfully beside me during walks instead of pulling
  4. The smell of a wood stove burning in the neighborhood when it first starts getting cold
  5. The silence surrounding the first snow
  6. Catching my children spontaneously playing together
  7. The peace of 5 am, before the rest of the world wakes up
  8. When conversation with someone flows effortlessly
  9. When scented candles actually smell like their label claims while burning
  10. The elegant dinner dish that took 20 minutes to prepare but tastes like you spent hours in the kitchen
  11. The look on someone’s face when they first taste said dinner dish :)
  12. When the last grape or strawberry you eat is the sweetest one
  13. Reaching in your pocket and finding unexpected money
  14. Going to dial an old friend and the phone rings at the same time… guess who!
  15. Laughing endlessly over something so silly you don’t know why it was funny in the first place

I Took the 7 Link Challenge!

Posted on by

I was perusing through my favorite feeds and came across a unique content idea from ProBlogger that I just HAD to use!

The article recommends publishing a list of 7 links to posts that I (and others) have written in response to 7 categories, complete with reasons why I chose each particular post.

Here are my 7 links – I hope you enjoy them!

Your first post

Top Five Reasons I Volunteer Before I began my Autism site, I helped DeKalb County start a citizen branch of support for Fire Rescue. Along with several extraordinary team members and an amazing Captain, we formed a vision for what was known at that time as the Citizen Reserve and watched it come into fruition. It was an incredible experience. Since moving out of state, I watched Citizen Reserve change organization, duties, protocols, and eventually redefine itself. It seems to have circled back around to its original vision, and I can’t wait to be involved again in any capacity!

A post you enjoyed writing the most

… and That’s What Little Boys Are Made Of Writing to share my experiences and help others ALWAYS helps me. I can talk about being patient, kind, and empathetic with ease, but I am also a single (human!) mom that balances a LOT on my daily plate. I make mistakes. I get caught in pity parties and frustration at times. I lose my patience. This post was very therapeutic for me, as it reminded me that I don’t always have to live in an the analytical and diagnostic world of Autism. Sometimes my son is just being a boy!

A post which had a great discussion

Why Does My Autistic Child Scream?! I am always honored when someone experiencing the things I write about first hand comments on my posts or tweets. As much research and energy as I put into understanding my son, I am still an outsider when it comes to Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. I don’t feel what he feels, or see the world quite the way he does, though I always give it my all! I was thrilled to read Jason’s thorough remarks about this post, especially when it was only my second post on the blog!

A post on someone else’s blog that you wish you’d written

Little Specks of Autism by stark. raving. mad. mommy. This post is just beautiful. I related to it so much! I especially think about all the quirky rituals I have in my daily life, from having a favorite plate that no one else can use, to my odd parking space logic, to accidentally bumping my elbow on the table and having to re-create the same volume of pain on the opposite elbow for it to feel “even”. Yep, we all have little specks of Autism alright!

Your most helpful post

Parents: Who Supports Us? This is dedicated to all of us that live with and fight for our special needs children. It’s not a job for weenies! It reminds us that our feelings are natural, however appropriate or inappropriate we are judging them to be at the time, and that support for US is vital to our children’s success.

A post with a title that you are proud of

“I’m funny how? Funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you?” This was a really fun bit to write explaining how children on the Spectrum typically do not understand sarcasm. Ironically the entire post was sprinkled with said sarcasm, as it runs rampant in my house and in my head.

Actually it’s a tie…

Are You Going to the Hardware Store for a Loaf of Bread? Another playful post that starts off with a famous scene from The Electric Company. Though quite humorous, the post really hones in on our expectations and how it’s not really fair to keep demanding things from people that they are not capable of giving.

A post that you wish more people had read

A Letter to my Son – Clearing the Past Read with tissues nearby. That is all.

Trippin’ Over Road Trip FAIL

Posted on by

So… what do you get when you cross a small Ford Focus, three children (one of which likes her music LOUD), a 125+ lb. Alaskan Malamute in heat, a child with Autism and Sensory Processing issues, and a last-minute four-hour road trip? Road trip FAIL.

At least I can laugh about it now. Let’s hope my son can, too!

You see, I knew better. I KNOW better. I post daily inspiring tips, quotes, and updates on Facebook and Twitter about how to prepare for doing virtually ANYTHING with your Autistic child. Yet, here I was – frenzied, overbooked, and trying to leave town at the last minute – totally unprepared.

The problem? I didn’t arm him with any necessary tools or supports against the boredom of a long trip, his sister’s loud music, being cramped and unable to stretch out when his body needed it, the lack of available favorite snacks and drinks on the road, the chaos of a hotel room, and the absence of a schedule while there.

The result? A child that screamed, threw toys around, harassed the dog, twisted himself up in his seat belt, and repeatedly kicked the back of the driver’s seat while I was trying to safely operate our vehicle. In the hotel he was hyper, loud, and severely discombobulated when it came to what he expected would happen while we were there.

What my daughter, her friend and I saw and were annoyed by, of course, can’t possibly compare to the discomfort, frustration, and confusion he experienced from being thrust into this situation unarmed. Oh, and when you ask your child if they want to bring their favorite supports and they say “no” – PACK THEM ANYWAY! They don’t know that they will need them!

So here’s a look back at what I could have done right (and will do next time!):

Weigh it out

I was so concerned with getting on the road on time that I did not prepare. How long would it really have taken for me to pack additional items and take the time to talk to him about what was happening? How much time would it have added to our trip to make a few more stops? I’m sure the dog would have appreciated it, too!

For a few extra minutes of planning and preparing, I could have avoided frustration for all of us during this trip. LESSON LEARNED!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Posted on by

“She gave me love, as well as life;

so whatever goodness I may bring to Earth

began with the gift of my mother’s heart.”

-Robert Sexton

I created this Mother’s Day video last year, 2009. Although a tad bit outdated, I thought it would be fun to share it here! These are my sweeties growing up quickly, and YES that’s me singing an original song :)

Enjoy!

Parents: Who Supports Us?

Posted on by

“Nobody told me there’d be days like these

Nobody told me there’d be days like these

Strange days indeed”

John Lennon

So you’re the parent of a child with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or learning disability. When was the last time you gave yourself a break? Acknowledged your courage and persistence? Applauded your patience, kindness, and compassion? Admired your own strength?

If you’re anything like me, I can easily gravitate to the space in my head that flits between judgment and criticism for my parenting mistakes and frustration and exhaustion from all the energy and extra steps required to raise a child with special needs. Especially for a single parent with no family nearby! Oh, I also reside in gratitude and wonder with the gift I have been given; the charge of creating a supportive, loving environment that will allow my children to thrive.

It is good to be grateful and to focus on the positive. I do myself a great disservice, though,  if I don’t name and honor the spectrum of feelings surrounding my situation. (spectrum, did you catch that?) :)

To quote an eBook I recently devoured, The Happy Child Guide: “As parents, many of us are faced with conditions of exhaustion, loneliness and stress. We are
usually the first to be blamed for our child’s faults, and seldom acknowledged for the good.”

I replay the many times I’ve disciplined my son when he was only trying to ease sensory issues within his body and I cringe. I think about all the times I lost my patience with his failure to follow directions when he truly didn’t understand what was being asked of him. Or the times I (sometimes still) am simply exhausted from trying to do it all and I yell. I yell.

We are doing the best we can. Parents, it is OK. Don’t put those scenes on repeat playback. Don’t cringe. Forgive yourself and move forward.

What about the guilt? Do you ever grieve? Do you ever wish the road wasn’t this rocky? Do you ever look at children behaving in a restaurant and suddenly find yourself beating down that little green monster, thinking, “why can’t I have that?” What about vacations? Flying? Going to the movies? Festivals? Do you ever feel deprived or robbed of experiences that at the moment seem impossible for your family? How about the frustration of all the IEP meetings and discussions with the schools?

Honor and release ALL your emotions

It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It doesn’t mean

you are not grateful. It doesn’t mean you are selfish. It doesn’t even mean you wish things were different. We’re human. If we don’t allow these emotions to come to the surface and honor them, we cannot release them. They will fester.

I spend a great deal of time researching and talking about the right kinds of support for our children. Tools, resources, therapies… and I am glad to be able to bring you these things. But I forget perhaps the most important piece of the puzzle. If our bank is empty we having nothing left to give to them. We need support, too.

I would love to hear some of the things you do to honor, celebrate, and support yourself as a parent. And I would personally like to applaud you in your journey. Congratulations. Thank you for being you.