What Do You Do When Your World Turns Updside-Down?

So.

You’re cruising along, making progress, taking the normal ups and downs in stride… suddenly, without warning… BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under you and you find yourself spinning, reeling, and unable to take a breath deep enough to satisfy your lungs. What do you do when crisis strikes your home? How do you stop yourself from falling all the way down to the bottom? Is there a bottom, or is it just fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) that grabs hold?

My world changed a few weeks ago and it shook the very core of my being. And although I am not in the clear by any means, I feel I am now able to at least start gathering the pieces of myself and my family and pulling them into some semblance of normalcy!

Holding on to the sides of the wall is progress from tumbling with increasing velocity… so here are some tools and lessons that helped stop my fall and kept me strong for my children:

Perspective and gratitude.

No matter WHAT’S happening, it can always be worse. That may sound trite, but it is so very true. At the height of our crisis, I continued (and continue) to count my blessings and focus on the things that are going right. It doesn’t eradicate the fear and reality of what’s happening altogether, but it’s a great home base :)

Take a break for self-care.

After being in survival-mode for so many days in a row, I was horrified to find that I hadn’t eaten or slept in quite some time. This only makes the situation worse!! It is not selfish (well, it’s the appropriate selfish) to stop, breathe, take a long bath, or spend some time laughing in the midst of crisis. Even 10 minutes can repair parts of your soul and make a huge difference in your perspective and ability to cope.

Keep routines in place.

Despite the world being upside-down, I did my best to keep as much of my normal routine in place so things did not take a nose dive even faster. There is comfort and ease in routine schedules. Of course, eating and sleeping would have been good parts of my routine to keep in place, but… progress not perfection!

Keep your children in the loop… appropriately.

While I didn’t tell my children the absolute depth and underlying meanings of what was happening, I did make them aware that we were in trouble. This accomplished two things: allowed them to creatively step into their power and pool resources that I may not have considered and kept them out of the “scary unknown”. Going through something of this  magnitude and trying to maintain that all is perfectly fine with your children is extremely detrimental. The unknown, unspoken tension is so much worse than the reality of a situation. But again, this doesn’t mean spilling adult-sized problems onto little shoulders. Filters and balance are key.

Ask for help.

This is a TOUGH one! I have never been good at it, and it is not comfortable at all for me. But I did it, and I am blown away by the outpouring of love and assistance from friends and neighbors. Gratitude!

Receive with grace.

Shutting my mouth and saying, “Thank you” is also not one of my strengths. What I realized is that by not accepting or excusing away assistance offered is denying someone the gift of helping. It’s not all about me :)

Feel your emotions but don’t let them consume you.

I found myself consistently toggling back and forth between getting caught up in the hideous emotions that accompany a situation such as this and not feeling anything at all. Neither of these are the right choice. By feeling my emotions, I am honoring them rather than stuffing them down. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay there and build a condo, as someone once told me! I cannot effectively process and release emotions unless I allow myself to feel them.

Get creative.

It is easy to continue to look for the one situation or event that I think will solve my problem. But that is limited thinking. I can be open to multiple solutions that come in many forms. I will continue to explore them all with an open mind, as well as fine-tune what I’m already doing. It’s not a “here and there” situation, it’s a growth opportunity. Yes, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!

I hope these tools help you through anything that comes your way!

How do you handle unexpected twists and turns from life? I’d love to hear! Also, stay tuned as I resume the amazing projects I have in store for all of you… I promise they are worth the wait!

Blessings!

Debi

It’s IEP Time… Put Our Dukes Down?

It can be hard not to go into an IEP meeting with an attitude of “me vs. them”, ready to defend your child. Especially if you’ve been pelted with behavioral labels, accused of not disciplining enough, or relentlessly badgered about why you are not medicating. And believe me, I’ve been called some really inappropriate names during some IEP meetings by Special Ed district representatives that could have cost them their jobs.

No parent should be a doormat, but I encourage you to try a shift in your attitude before your next meeting. This hasn’t been an easy journey for me, especially during the two-year diagnosis process that seemed to be more about what category my child fell in than what he needed to help him be more successful in the classroom.

However, when I started coming from a place of appreciation, partnership, and resourceful ideas the IEP process really transformed into a positive experience. I’m not saying there aren’t any challenges or issues, or that all the resources I feel should be in place are. There are still budget constraints and understaffed schools; there are still many misunderstandings about what he can help and what he does to try and ease a sensory experience. But we are much closer these days, especially when I come into the process with honesty, willingness, and an open mind.

Appreciation. Instead of balking about what I see wrong straight out of the gate, I always start with comments of celebration and sincere thanks for what the teachers and staff ARE providing.  Remember, their job isn’t easy, either!

Keep moving forward. I like to keep a solution-oriented tone in the meetings, regardless of any disappointments or misunderstandings I may have experienced in prior sessions. By focusing on what I feel NEEDS to happen instead of all the things we tried that didn’t work out so great, it keeps the whole team in a forward momentum. This doesn’t mean I ignore things that went wrong, but fixating on them will not lend anything to the outcome of the meeting. Remember, we are ultimately there to find and ask for tools that will help our children succeed.

Bring some tools of your own. I am always researching scheduling ideas, resources, and routines to help us at home. I like to come into IEP meetings with a list of things that are currently working well for us, adjusting each for the classroom if I can. I also openly talk about some of the challenges I still experience and ask for input. It’s been my experience that these simple actions can be disarming and set the stage for working together.

Keep talking about the goal. Whenever we get hung up on a certain behavior or issue and I feel things may be getting tense or heated, I sometimes break the moment with a statement like, “My goal for him is to teach him to ask for xxxx appropriately, or self-correct if he is able,” or “I’m aiming for a decrease in the need for small-group time this quarter.” Sometimes we just need a small reminder of why we are there.

Aim high. Every so often, the team will suggest a support be put in place before we have experienced it. I have actually asked for the least amount of support at times to see what my son was capable of. By assuming he will have trouble in a certain situation without actually letting him try is setting him up to aim low in the future. Sometimes they really surprise you!

Overall, it is very easy to take things personally and experience frustration in the IEP process. You know your child best. However, I have personally seen the magic that happens when I have shifted the focus to taking the higher road and keeping my side of the street clean. There’s a strange ripple effect in your world when you stop expecting everyone to be against you : )