What You Think About You Bring About

How often do we find ourselves dreading an event, visit, or simple errand with our child? We look at past behaviors or incidents and expect the worst, based on what we experienced previously. We may even go so far as to picture the meltdown occurring and already start feeling frustrated and frazzled by the anticipation of it.

When we do this, we emit a certain frequency and our child picks up on it. Everything we think, say, and feel produces some kind of effect on our children.

How about trying an experiment? I’ve done this before with phenomenal results! Ready?

Expect the best from your child.

Not perfectionism, not nit-picking… just expect great behavior. Visualize it. Focus on what you WANT to happen and picture it happening that way. You might be very surprised at what unfolds!

I discovered this powerful shift some time ago, yet I often and easily forget the impact of such a simple adjustment. I had a great reminder today while reading a fantastic book: Bob Lancer’s Parenting With Love… Without Anger or Stress. Here is a paragraph that really resonated with me:

Praising or Thanking in Advance

When you want your child to do something, try praising or thanking her for doing it in advance. This tactic exhibits an uncanny power to bring out desirable behavior that has not yet happened. For instance, to encourage him to pick up after himself, try sincerely praising him for picking up after himself and genuinely thanking him for the contribution before he has done so. To encourage your child to play nicely with others at the playground, right before you launch her into activity you might say, “I want to thank you very much for playing so nicely with the other children at the playground today.”

Ironically, I found this to work with my To Do lists as well! For a whole week I created “Done” lists in lieu of “To Do” lists and I was so much more productive! They would read, “Went to bank, completed freelance project, did laundry, balanced checkbook,” etc. Guess what – I doubled my accomplishments that week!

What do you think? Do you have anything to lose by expecting your child to flourish and shine versus waiting for the meltdown? Thoughts are free. They can be changed and controlled with practice. Try it and let me know your results on my Facebook or Twitter page, or by commenting below!

Parents: Who Supports Us?

“Nobody told me there’d be days like these

Nobody told me there’d be days like these

Strange days indeed”

John Lennon

So you’re the parent of a child with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or learning disability. When was the last time you gave yourself a break? Acknowledged your courage and persistence? Applauded your patience, kindness, and compassion? Admired your own strength?

If you’re anything like me, I can easily gravitate to the space in my head that flits between judgment and criticism for my parenting mistakes and frustration and exhaustion from all the energy and extra steps required to raise a child with special needs. Especially for a single parent with no family nearby! Oh, I also reside in gratitude and wonder with the gift I have been given; the charge of creating a supportive, loving environment that will allow my children to thrive.

It is good to be grateful and to focus on the positive. I do myself a great disservice, though,  if I don’t name and honor the spectrum of feelings surrounding my situation. (spectrum, did you catch that?) :)

To quote an eBook I recently devoured, The Happy Child Guide: “As parents, many of us are faced with conditions of exhaustion, loneliness and stress. We are
usually the first to be blamed for our child’s faults, and seldom acknowledged for the good.”

I replay the many times I’ve disciplined my son when he was only trying to ease sensory issues within his body and I cringe. I think about all the times I lost my patience with his failure to follow directions when he truly didn’t understand what was being asked of him. Or the times I (sometimes still) am simply exhausted from trying to do it all and I yell. I yell.

We are doing the best we can. Parents, it is OK. Don’t put those scenes on repeat playback. Don’t cringe. Forgive yourself and move forward.

What about the guilt? Do you ever grieve? Do you ever wish the road wasn’t this rocky? Do you ever look at children behaving in a restaurant and suddenly find yourself beating down that little green monster, thinking, “why can’t I have that?” What about vacations? Flying? Going to the movies? Festivals? Do you ever feel deprived or robbed of experiences that at the moment seem impossible for your family? How about the frustration of all the IEP meetings and discussions with the schools?

Honor and release ALL your emotions

It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It doesn’t mean

you are not grateful. It doesn’t mean you are selfish. It doesn’t even mean you wish things were different. We’re human. If we don’t allow these emotions to come to the surface and honor them, we cannot release them. They will fester.

I spend a great deal of time researching and talking about the right kinds of support for our children. Tools, resources, therapies… and I am glad to be able to bring you these things. But I forget perhaps the most important piece of the puzzle. If our bank is empty we having nothing left to give to them. We need support, too.

I would love to hear some of the things you do to honor, celebrate, and support yourself as a parent. And I would personally like to applaud you in your journey. Congratulations. Thank you for being you.