Tag Archives: neurotypical

SOA Siblings

5 Ways to Include Neurotypical Siblings

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SOA Siblings“It’s not fair! You always talk about Autism, Autism, Autism! You always write about him on your Blog and put his pictures everywhere!”

My firstborn isn’t playing the favorites card, she’s a little sensitive about Autism. Especially since my website, training classes, workshops and marketing materials use stories and facts about her brother as their framework. Sure, I can remind her about all the special privileges she receives as the eldest and the times we go places together without her brother. But that isn’t what she wants to hear. She wants to know that she’s valued, unique, and most of all, heard.

Here are some ways to make sure siblings feel included.

1. Don’t keep them in the dark.

The unknown is scary to children – especially when it’s surrounded by energy that may be tense and anxious. They are extremely sensitive to your feelings, so sugar coating or avoiding the subject of Autism in the home causes disharmony instead of protecting your child’s feelings.

Additionally, you should be open (in an age appropriate way) about what’s behind certain behaviors and that they are rarely, if ever intentional. Impulsivity and Sensory Processing issues can be hard to explain, but there are some amazing children’s books out on the subject of siblings and Autism. It’s a great place to start.

2. Consistent rewards.

It’s easy to get caught up in praising your child with Autism for every mark of progress and milestone. It is necessary. You may be missing the fact that the sibling is also counting every reward… and if the score isn’t evened they will remember.

Find a way to celebrate and recognize every achievement from all of your children.

This can also go the other way: many times my daughter will feel that her brother doesn’t get a just punishment for something she may have gotten in trouble for previously. Situations like that can indeed be a sticky-wicket, as your child with ASD rarely breaks rules intentionally. Unwanted behaviors still need to be addressed, and it helps to explain to siblings that discipline may be unique to each family member but no one is “getting away with it”.

3. Sibling-only time.

Often parenting our child with Autism requires an unequal amount time and energy for that child. It’s so important to schedule regular one-on-one time with your neurotypical child. Whether it’s a ritual of ten-minute blocks each night before bed or a once a week “girls night out” (in my case it’s my daughter), this time is to be treasured together.

4. Perspective and participation.

There are times when I’m truly stumped on one of my son’s behaviors that affect the entire family dynamic. Without sending her the message that I need her to solve the problem, sometimes I ask for my daughter’s perspective. She can throw some fresh ideas on the table that I may not have considered. Again, I never make her participate if she doesn’t want to or cause her to feel that she has to have the solution. She does appreciate that I value her opinion and viewpoint.

5. Support and expectations.

It’s important for siblings to feel that they are not alone in their experiences. There are many sibling support groups to share their struggles and feelings, but don’t force it. In our case, my daughter had a good time visiting one of our local groups but quickly discovered that being with people that focus on talking about her brother still makes her feel like the world revolves around him. She flourishes when involved in groups or classes that are uniquely hers, like her art community and comedy improve classes.

Equally as important, do not expect your child to be overly responsible for the child with Autism. Unrealistic expectations can lay an unbearable amount of pressure on siblings. This isn’t a free pass to skirt all family responsibility; check in often and encourage open communication throughout the journey.

What are some ways that you keep siblings out of the shadows and keep things “fair” in your house? Share by commenting  below or on the SOA Facebook page!

Siblings in the Shadows

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“It’s not fair! Everything you say is always about Autism, Autism, Autism! You always write about him and put his pictures everywhere!”

My firstborn gets a little sensitive about my website and the training classes, workshops and marketing materials I create. Sure, I can remind her about all the special privileges she receives and the times we go places without her brother. But that isn’t what she wants to hear. She wants to know that she’s valued, unique, and most of all, heard.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way about how to make sure siblings feel included.

Don’t keep them in the dark. The unknown is scary to children – especially when it’s surrounded by energy that may be tense and anxious. They are extremely sensitive to your feelings, so sugar coating or avoiding the subject of Autism in the home causes more disharmony than protect your child’s feelings.

Additionally, you should be open (in an age appropriate way) about what’s behind certain behaviors and that they are rarely, if ever intentional. Impulsivity is hard to explain, but there are some amazing children’s books out now on the subject of siblings and Autism. It’s a great place to start.

Consistent rewards. It’s easy to get caught up in praising your child with Autism for every mark of progress and milestone. It is necessary. You may be missing the fact that every reward is also being counted by the sibling… and if the score isn’t evened they will remember.

Find a way to celebrate and recognize every achievement from all of your children as special.

This can also go the other way: many times my daughter will feel that her brother doesn’t get a just punishment for something she may have gotten in trouble for previously. Situations like that can indeed be a sticky-wicket, as your child with ASD rarely breaks rules intentionally. Unwanted behaviors still need to be addressed, and it helps to explain to siblings that discipline may be unique to each family member but no one is “getting away with it”.

Sibling-only time. Often parenting our child with Autism requires an unequal amount time and energy for that child. It’s so important to schedule regular one-on-one time with your neurotypical child. Whether it’s a ritual of ten-minute blocks each night before bed or a once a week “girls night out” (in my case it’s my daughter), this time is to be treasured together.

Support and expectations. It’s important for siblings to feel that they are not alone in their experiences. There are many sibling support groups to share their struggles and feelings, but don’t force it. In our case, my daughter had a good time visiting one of our local groups but quickly discovered that being with people that focus on talking about her brother still makes her feel like the world revolves around him. She flourishes when involved in a group that is uniquely hers – an improv comedy troupe, art school, and Dungeons & Dragons are some of her favorites.

Equally as important, do not expect your child to be overly responsible for the child with Autism. Unrealistic expectations can lay an unbearable amount of pressure on siblings. This isn’t a free pass to skirt all family responsibility; check in often and encourage open communication throughout the journey.

What are some ways that you keep siblings out of the shadows and keep things “fair” in your house?

How Does Fitness Help My Child With Autism?

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I don’t know about you, but for the past four years I’ve been trying to get my child involved in an extra-curricular activity, achieving less than stellar results. At age four, even before an Autism diagnosis, I knew he had an extraordinary amount of energy to burn and his sister was in Karate. It made sense to me to get him started in the youngest group. I thought it would teach him focus and give him an outlet for some of that energy. HA! Nice try, Mom. He was kicked out in the first two minutes of his first class, and asked never to return even as a spectator for his older sis. OY!

Since then, we’ve tried some easy sports, Cub Scouts, even a cooking class (an energetic child on the Autism spectrum with sharp objects… what was I thinking?!?!). It all boils down to the same issues: lack of coordination, lack of focus, too much energy, inability to be patient and wait his turn, unable to understand what is expected of him, sensory overload, gross motor deficits, and just plain behavior issues sometimes.

I’ve always made allowances (and excuses) for why we can’t participate in the same things as some of his neurotypical friends do. But now he’s 8 and he still can’t ride a bike. We will be trying piano lessons (a natural gift for him), but that still doesn’t solve any of the above named issues.

You ask, “Don’t they get fitness in gym class?” Not really. In fact, many schools have even CUT physical education from their curriculum due to budget cuts and increased focus on test scores! And sports (as I’ve experienced) are really hard to participate in when you can’t master basic, foundational moves or stay on task long enough to understand what to do.

Using my background of Autism Research and Fitness along with the mentorship of Eric Chessen (Autism Fitness), I adapted and developed a fun and effective way to help my child’s long-term skills in fitness and movement. The right fitness movements have an amazing ripple effect on the whole family. Here are some things that have improved in my child already, and will continue to do so as I work with him further:

Self-esteem and confidence. He sees himself being successful at the movements and courses we set up and it makes him want to try new things. He knows it’s a safe place to not quite get it right.

Coordination. His balance and posture have improved greatly since we started. He used to actually lean to one side and not be able to even stand on one foot! Now look at him go!

Sensory issues. His favorite fitness moves offer a wonderful sensory break from an overload or meltdown. The best part? Most of them can be done in a small space using just his body weight!

Attending. He can now stay focused longer when asked to do something, including waiting his turn! He’s far from perfect, but my motto is progress not perfection.

Goal setting. He finally understands the process of being unable to complete something and how practice leads to the mastering of a skill. This is huge!

Independence. He now takes pride in setting up his own mini obstacle course for us to do together. He can even create one for his peers to try!

Overall health and fitness level. Face it, getting up and moving is good for the whole family, even if you can just do a little bit! Turn off the TV, hide the DSi, take the batteries out of the Wii remote, and go outside and PLAY :)

Contact me to find out how I can also help your child succeed using Fitness 4 Autism! It’s really fun for the entire family!