To celebrate the coming of the New Year, I decided I would reflect on how far my family has come since I began blogging about my Autism journey. This post signifies both a reminder of the growth we’ve experienced as well as offering a fresh start to 2012… one free of the emotional “muck” I’ve accumulated this past year!
So here it is again, the very first post I wrote as Spirit of Autism.
I recently learned of an amazing clearing tool to help make way for new growth and opportunity. Introduced to me by the illuminating life coach Kendra Thornbury, this Hawaiian self-help methodology called Ho’oponopono (no idea how to pronounce it, don’t ask!) removes emotional obstacles that block your path, freeing your mind to find new and unexpected ways to get what you want out of life. In “Zero Limits“, Joe Vitale and Ihaleakala Hew Len reveal this wisdom. The main process includes four statements that can be used when remembering any situation that is causing residual emotions or behaviors that are no longer serving you:
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Intrigued, I logged this away, perhaps to examine in a quieter time during my daily routine. Today was that time, and it hit me with a pain in my side and a wave of uncontrollable sobs on the way back to work from walking my dog at lunch. These four statements sparked within me a flood of emotion and energy, moving me toward healing and letting go.
To Justin, my son with Autism.
I am sorry.
I’m sorry that it took me so long to understand that your brain works differently. I’m sorry I didn’t get it. I’m sorry I grew frustrated with you so much and had a short fuse when you were only acting out what your physical body needed to stop from hurting or feeling uncomfortable at that given moment. I’m sorry you spent your formative years believing you were not good enough, or stupid, as you so often would tell me that you were. I’m sorry I did not realize just how amazing your gifts are, and how sweet and loving your spirit is. I’m sorry I did not provide the right resources for you sooner, though I know you chose me as your mom for a reason and we are walking this journey together.
Please forgive me.
Forgive me for all the times I disciplined you and thought you knew better. You didn’t. Forgive me for sometimes viewing your disability as mine, using it to feel sorry for myself, or worse – to gain sympathy from others. Forgive me for putting you in situations you were not equipped to handle. Forgive me for being inconsistent with rules and messages, as if things aren’t confusing enough in your world. Forgive me for all the times I wanted to give up.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for accepting me as your caregiver, your teacher, your guide. Thank you for all the gifts you bring into my life every day. Thank you for inspiring me to rise above my perceived circumstances and start to help others. I would not be following my heart’s song without you. Thank you for not giving up on ME. Thank you for trusting that everything is working out exactly as it’s supposed to.
I love you.
I love you exactly as you are, today, in this moment. You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed or forgiven. You are all a mother could ask for. I will love you no matter where this journey takes us. All you have to do is keep being you and keep your heart open.