How Communicating With My Child Helps Everywhere Else in My Life

Do you know how many times I still communicate with my son in the same fashion that my own mind processes and regurgitates information? I can jump from topic to topic getting distracted along the way (squirrel!), all the while murmuring snide remarks and sarcastic jokes under my breath about something funny I just noticed. Somewhere, embedded within my ADD spiel, lies an actual command for him to follow.

After all that, I find myself frustrated and shocked that he’s saying, “What?” to the very first sentence that kicked off the whole monologue. He heard nothing past that!

This type of spastic conversation is fine with my daughter, who follows every tangent and sarcastic comparison with uncanny speed. She’s even a step ahead of me at times! But it’s another story with my son. Another plane. Another universe.

I briefly touched on the differences in how my son processes information with my Hardware Store for a Loaf of Bread story, but I wanted to expand on it to include a deeper perspective: the way I have used this understanding to routinely communicate with others around me. Especially in the business world.

Have you ever asked someone for the status of something and received a return email that wandered all over the place but still left off some vital information (kinda like the way I talk sometimes)? How hard is it to dig through someone’s stories, excuses, and unrelated or irrelevant statements only to find that you overlooked the actual information you needed because it was buried “below the fold”?

How about looking over a proposal that has the price mixed in with the benefits, solution and problem… product features are listed inconsistently with irregular bolding and capitalization… I can’t.

I used to be able to follow those serpentine-like speeches from others and would often write in the same manner, (if a train was traveling at x mph and left he station at 6:15 in Austria…) but now I’m much more cognizant of how I can dance around the point I need to get across if I’m not careful.

Because of the way I need to speak and write for Justin so that he can understand what is being communicated to him, I have learned to carry that into other aspects in my world. I ask myself if the words I’m using are necessary to the sentence I’m typing. I remind myself to simplify. I am intentionally clear and concise.

“You can have the children on the weekend of the 13th.”

“The following sizes are available for your website banner ad.”

“These items are still needed in order for me to create your website.”

“I can train your department on the 15th at 4 pm or the 18th at 11 am. Please let me know which date works for you.”

Occasionally, I forget to include some customary small talk when I’m communicating, which isn’t always optimal, either. I’m not a robot and I never mean to be rude! But for the most part, all of my clients have remarked on the smooth process and clear updates they receive in my emails or proposals. Stopping and asking myself how my son might interpret something helps me stay on task in my communication goals with others. Sticking to facts in a polite tone can also evade arguments that some people try desperately to engage you in, by the way :)

As far as my fast-paced brain at home goes, at least I know now that when my son asks for clarification on the second word (and I’m already into the tenth sentence) it does not mean that he’s tuned me out or is choosing to be non-compliant. It means I need to slow down and finish one complete thought in a clear way before moving on. What a great lesson.

What about you? Are there new ways that you have learned to communicate from your child with Autism? I’d love to hear your comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

For the Mom Who…

…has to drive her infant around at 2 in the morning because being in a moving car is the only way he will go back to sleep.

…sometimes cooks three separate meals for dinner because her picky eater will only have pizza – but the crust has to be right, it can’t be too cheesy, the pepperoni better not be the spicy kind and there can’t be too much sauce. Oh and definitely not the sauce that is too sweet or has any green stuff in it.

…on some days actually falls asleep standing in the shower.

…most likely has read “Goodnight Moon” to her child at least 6, 947 times and still does the funny voices.

…gave up grown-up music in the car for about ten years in favor of Kidz Bop, Disney, and Pokemon CDs.

…can fix her child’s toys or computer, put together a shelving unit, replace worn appliance parts, mow the lawn, and still remove splinters with the precision of a surgeon.

…wants so badly to fix everything for her children but knows she must stand by and let them have the experience on their own.

…will be there to help pick up the pieces when they don’t quite get it right the first time, and encourage them to try again.

…always makes sure the house is never completely out of any grocery item, and the lunchboxes and coffee are always ready in the morning, without exception.

…simply doesn’t have time to be sick. Ever.

…has to endure the glares of people that think she simply doesn’t spank her special needs child enough when he’s having sensory meltdowns in public.

…eats the burnt toast so everyone else can enjoy their breakfast and nothing has to be wasted.

…sometimes cries when no one’s looking.

…knows that her children are here to teach her, too.

…gets up every single day and does what needs to be done no matter what kind of mood she’s in.

…accepts that right now it’s okay that her child with Autism is 10 and still needs help showering, using the bathroom, dressing, and brushing his teeth. She performs these tasks with grace.

…celebrates every success, large or small, and takes nothing for granted.

…knows that her children love her, but sometimes wishes they would show it a little more. However, she doesn’t require it to keep her heart open.

…goes to bat for her children, unconditionally, because their success is non-negotiable.

…always encourages her children to be their unique and authentic self.

…realized early on that there’s no turning back – this is a lifetime job and it isn’t for weenies.

…still knows how to dance with confidence, even if it’s in her living room. On the coffee table.

…learned long ago that the workload will never be “even” or “fair,” and that’s okay.

…considers the simplest pleasures a big deal, because life is precious and all we really have is the now.

…knows that her children chose her before coming to this crazy, adventurous place, and she is grateful.

…remembers that shining her light and being her true self is the greatest gift she can give to her children, for it inspires them to do the same.

…simply does her best, because there is no manual for this gig!

I salute you. All of you. Single moms, married moms, “unplanned” moms, adoptive moms, older moms, teenage moms, special needs moms…we have a bond – a circle – that is unbreakable. You are all amazing – don’t wait for others to honor you. Celebrate and honor yourself and the successes that YOU create.

Happy Mother’s Day!

What about you? Post some other “for the Mom who…” sentences below or share them on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

[Guest Post] I See What You Are Saying

“I see”, he said, “I see exactly what you mean.”

“No you don’t”, she answered, “you haven’t listened to anything I’ve been saying and you have no idea what I am talking about.”

And in just a few short sentences, you have the beginnings or perhaps, the continuation of a disagreement. Could be about something easy like where to go for dinner, or something of more import like getting married.

But whatever sort of subject it is, when the conversation starts going in this direction, you know it is not going to be long before there’s a real problem in communications.

So what’s the big deal with communications between people anyway? How come my friend, my BFF, my bro, my significant other doesn’t get me? Why doesn’t anyone understand me, I look at my lips in the mirror and I know I am talking but nobody is getting me.

We All Understand This

These are thoughts most of us have had at one time or other. Maybe not everyday, maybe our daily lives don’t revolve so much around communicating with other people so we might not run into this situation on a daily basis. But sooner or later, it’s going to come up. And it’s going to be a real issue in our lives.

But why? Why is this sort of issue so prevalent in our world? You would think that with so many different ways to communicate with each other, between every sort of mobile device imaginable, a hundred different social media websites and apps and snail mail and texting and phone calls, how come this issue of understanding is still happening?

We’re Exactly the Same – Except We’re Different

The answer is simple and complex at the same time. Like so many of the great truths of our world are. But here it is in a nutshell, each of us has our own private communication system that we have spent years developing and none of those systems is the same as any other.

We have each developed our own view of what the world is like to us. We have each attached a meaning to a particular piece of communication and each of us is positive that our way of seeing things, our way of understanding things, our way of organizing the world sensory input we get from the world around us is the right way.

And because each of us is operating from inside our own system of communication, using the set of symbols we have developed for ourselves, that is how we understand the world to be.

All Is Not Lost

Now this is how it is in the most primary sense. There is often a lot of overlap between our individualized communication systems and we can share understanding and ideas and dreams and color schemes and lots of other things with lots of other people. But truthfully, individualized communication systems are like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two of them are exactly alike.

Take the example from the first couple of sentences where he is saying ‘I see what you mean” and she is saying “You aren’t hearing what I am saying” and when you think about how each of them has their own individualized communication system which they use on a regular basis, you can understand right away where at least one of the issues is.

He is thinking about seeing and she is thinking about listening.

Kind of like one of them is watching the TV with the sound off and the other listening to the sound but not watching the screen. And then trying to describe to the other what their individual experience is.

An almost impossible task.

But if they were to simply go into the room where the TV is and watch and listen together, their experience would be a lot different. Maybe not perfect because we each focus our attention differently, but certainly a whole lot easier than the other way.

Each person has their own way of interpreting the world around them. Each of us has developed our own organizational scheme for what we pay attention to and how we show that we are paying attention. Whether, we are male, female, teenagerish, a baby boomer, autistic, American, German, or any other way of deciding who we are, we each have our own way of communicating with the world.

When we interact with other people and understand that we are right in what we are saying and understanding and that they are also right, our days become much easier and our hearts become filled with a lot more kindness and tolerance and love. Not just for other people, but for ourselves as well. And that would make our days totally fantastic.

Michael Shook is a personal development coach specializing in success and authenticity. He offers daily messages of light and love for everyone via ALifeOfLight.com. But for readers of the Spirit of Autism, he is also offering a free personal coaching session.  Click here to read more and sign up for your free session!

Siblings in the Shadows

“It’s not fair! Everything you say is always about Autism, Autism, Autism! You always write about him and put his pictures everywhere!”

My firstborn gets a little sensitive about my website and the training classes, workshops and marketing materials I create. Sure, I can remind her about all the special privileges she receives and the times we go places without her brother. But that isn’t what she wants to hear. She wants to know that she’s valued, unique, and most of all, heard.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way about how to make sure siblings feel included.

Don’t keep them in the dark. The unknown is scary to children – especially when it’s surrounded by energy that may be tense and anxious. They are extremely sensitive to your feelings, so sugar coating or avoiding the subject of Autism in the home causes more disharmony than protect your child’s feelings.

Additionally, you should be open (in an age appropriate way) about what’s behind certain behaviors and that they are rarely, if ever intentional. Impulsivity is hard to explain, but there are some amazing children’s books out now on the subject of siblings and Autism. It’s a great place to start.

Consistent rewards. It’s easy to get caught up in praising your child with Autism for every mark of progress and milestone. It is necessary. You may be missing the fact that every reward is also being counted by the sibling… and if the score isn’t evened they will remember.

Find a way to celebrate and recognize every achievement from all of your children as special.

This can also go the other way: many times my daughter will feel that her brother doesn’t get a just punishment for something she may have gotten in trouble for previously. Situations like that can indeed be a sticky-wicket, as your child with ASD rarely breaks rules intentionally. Unwanted behaviors still need to be addressed, and it helps to explain to siblings that discipline may be unique to each family member but no one is “getting away with it”.

Sibling-only time. Often parenting our child with Autism requires an unequal amount time and energy for that child. It’s so important to schedule regular one-on-one time with your neurotypical child. Whether it’s a ritual of ten-minute blocks each night before bed or a once a week “girls night out” (in my case it’s my daughter), this time is to be treasured together.

Support and expectations. It’s important for siblings to feel that they are not alone in their experiences. There are many sibling support groups to share their struggles and feelings, but don’t force it. In our case, my daughter had a good time visiting one of our local groups but quickly discovered that being with people that focus on talking about her brother still makes her feel like the world revolves around him. She flourishes when involved in a group that is uniquely hers – an improv comedy troupe, art school, and Dungeons & Dragons are some of her favorites.

Equally as important, do not expect your child to be overly responsible for the child with Autism. Unrealistic expectations can lay an unbearable amount of pressure on siblings. This isn’t a free pass to skirt all family responsibility; check in often and encourage open communication throughout the journey.

What are some ways that you keep siblings out of the shadows and keep things “fair” in your house?

Spring Fever – Time to Get the Body Moving!

I am learning from my mistakes. Hey, that’s better than continuing a pattern for an indefinite amount of time, unwilling to look at what may or may not be working, right?

My son, being an unschooler for a little over six months, is very much out of shape. Oh, I know the reason. He spends the better part of his day programming video games (not playing them – WRITING them!). Because of his obsession and brilliance, he currently isn’t interested in joining the rest of the world.

Without turning this into an unschooling article, there is a certain degree of “deschooling” a child will go through when first realizing they are not being forced to memorize things they have no interest in. Picture having been restricted from a certain food group for years and years and suddenly you are told you can eat whatever you want WHENEVER you want – what do you think you would do? Eat all your favorite foods to excess, most likely! Then your body would realize it could have them at any time, and the pendulum would start forming a natural balance – you would find a nice rhythm to your eating. By the way, your body is way smarter than your fad diet, but that’s a post for another day!

The situation

Here’s the missing key in my house right now: my son will spend hours programming games and then get these uncontrollable bursts of energy that have no choice but to be released in the fastest and loudest way possible. He usually shapeshifts into a whirling dervish and runs the length of the house several times, screaming and hitting everything in his path. Not angrily, just energetically :)

Sure, his body is taking care of the regulation of this energy, but not in a productive way. Typically this will result in dogs or sister lashing out at him for inappropriate agitation, followed by the lowering of his self-esteem because he doesn’t understand what everyone’s so upset about.

Having done a successful Fitness 4 Autism program with him in the past, I am kind of ashamed that I let things go this direction for so long. At times I switch into survival mode, when I am balancing a ridiculous amount of things on my oversized, superwoman plate. But that’s okay, all we have is the now and here’s what I’m committing to:

The solution

Short chunks of regular movement breaks. One of my greatest motivation tools for Justin is a timer. Whenever he is resistant to any activity (tooth brushing, taking out the trash) I turn it around and make it a game. I tell him he’s not faster than me, and we have a friendly race doing whatever it is that needs to be done. So we will set a timer and perform animal crawls, star jumps, and similar short bursts of full body movements. Functional exercises for short periods of time are great for everyone, not just children on the Autism Spectrum!

Family field day. Sandbell tossing, hurdles, jumps, even sack races… there is nothing wrong with a little family competition! We’ll even get the dogs involved (Malamutes LOVE to pull things!). I am making the ribbons tomorrow – very excited!

Replace the mini trampoline. It’s been a while since our old one broke. Why have I never replaced it?  This is a good object to always have available to alleviate any short bursts that come unexpectedly.

Weekly yoga. There are so many benefits to practicing yoga, especially for Autism. We both loved doing this in the past – once again it’s funny how bad habits seem to have much easier “sticking” power than things that are good for us!

Exploring new parks. We are very fortunate to live in a county that has over 120 parks and recreation centers. Why are we sitting at home? Time to say no to some of those freelance clients that need things yesterday, turn off Law & Order (love me some Vincent D’Onofrio!), put the iPhone on airplane mode and go PLAY. We can even make a park rating document and map – why not turn it into “research”?

How does regular movement really help?

It’s been proven that children (and adults!) perform better after they’ve moved around. Regular physical activity helps your child:

  • Maintain focus for longer periods
  • Feel better about himself and his abilities
  • Put multiple commands together with cues
  • Confidently participate in new things
  • Get in better shape

Fitness boosts confidence, independence, and self-esteem, plus it teaches goal setting. Speech targets, communication, and behavioral targets can also be incorporated into your daily movement breaks. Remember, no expensive, large equipment is needed!

This is my Spring commitment to my children and myself. I set an example daily with the intense early morning workouts I do at home; however they never see me simply moving for fun, other than walking the dogs.

Join me in this Spring movement… “movement”. Remember, sharing this goal with your child will benefi­t the entire family – it sets everyone up for long-term health and fi­tness. Tell me how you plan to move more with your child by commenting below or sharing it on the SOA Facebook page! I love fresh ideas!

When Connections Are Made

One of the most perplexing characteristics of Autism that manifests in my son is his lack of ability to put together cause-and-effect connections. Because he is so ridiculously brilliant and advanced academically, it is easy for me to overlook typical actions such as burning his hand on the stove and then touching it again without pause, or messing with the dogs, getting snapped at (or even bit), and then repeating the behavior minutes later. He is perpetually surprised by a repeat consequence and often has no idea that he caused it.

Here is a normal evening scene in my house: I’m in the living room working on the computer, my daughter is on the couch drawing, and my son is in his room designing video games on his laptop. Suddenly he gets a surge of energy that MUST be burned off immediately, comes running down the hall and stops an inch and a half from my ear, then lets out a screaming phrase at his loudest volume.

I have had an array of responses to this, trying my best to reprogram the behavior and teach a lesson without losing my composure. I’m not very good at it.  From the gentle, “Sweetie please don’t do that” to “That hurts Mommy” to the futile “How would you like it if…”, I have not gotten through to him that it is not acceptable to emit sounds at close range that exceed 125 dB. (I’m being facetious here, but according to this Decibel Chart pain begins at 125 dB!)

What usually occurs with these repeat offenses? I try the calm and logical approach first. And second. And tenth :) Then it escalates. Especially when I’m exhausted and have a work deadline to adhere to. Sometimes I plead with him (mistake). By the umpteenth time, I unload. It’s not right, but it happens sometimes. Most of the time it has the same effect as any of my other tactics: nothing. Zoom. Over the head. He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t care, he is doing what he needs to do.

Lately, since the onset of precocious puberty, yelling has started to evoke a reaction of sadness and embarrassment. Of course I don’t capitalize on shaming him in any way, but something has been getting through. This is a golden window of opportunity, as his mind is temporarily freed from the pattern and he is able to hear what I am saying. After the last incident, I immediately took him somewhere quiet and talked about what just happened. I started with an apology for yelling. He retreated into, “You hate me” and “I’m stupid”. I then explained that I love him ALWAYS – no matter what – but I don’t LIKE his yelling in my ear. I calmly and appropriately told him why I didn’t like the behavior, and asked for his help in coming up with a new rule that we can all live with. We now call the living room the “quiet room”. He is welcome to make loud noises in the back half of the house, but in the quiet room we speak in normal tones.

Something happened after that conversation. Five minutes later, he had another power surge and came running down the hall screaming. He stopped in the doorway of the living room, walked up to me, and said, “Hi, Mom” in a nice, respectable tone.

What did I do? I told him I was very proud of him, did I high five, and made a big deal out of his conscious new behavior. You might think that makes me a foo-foo, new-agey, namby-pamby mom that celebrates when their child merely shows up for something. No. This is Autism. This is a connection. This is a MILESTONE.

I am not advocating that you perpetually get to the yelling stage and then backpaddle out of it like I did. But in this case I believe it shook something loose and got his attention. When I yell, I never say ugly things, by the way. It’s always matter-of-fact and focused on the behavior, but it IS yelling nonetheless.

What I learned

Instead of getting to the explosive stage, like I did, how about doing something to break the pattern? Something that would have the same affect but without the negative connotation? Try ringing a bell, using a radically different vocal tone, standing on your head, or anything unexpected. This will redirect the current behavior and get your child’s attention.

Explain briefly what the offensive behavior is (your child often has no idea what they are doing wrong), and why it is not okay. This must be spoken in clear, concise terms, not emotionally or vague in any way. Avoid our human nature to ask, “How would you like it if…”. It is common for children with Autism to lack the necessary wiring to experience empathy naturally – the question will go nowhere.

Ask for your child’s help to come up with a fun new rule that would make everyone happy. Make it clear that everyone must follow the rule. Bonus if you express a behavior that you are going to work on doing better as well!

This practice in my home has led to an increase in my son’s ability to start reading situations. Just the other day he came into the room and started bothering the dog, who immediately growled. For the first time ever he walked away and said, “Maybe he doesn’t like that.”

Yes!

What about you? What helps your child make connections? Share your thoughts by commenting below or posting on the Spirit of Autism Facebook page!

What are My Top 6 Go-To Blogs?

Despite what goes on in my home from day-to-day, I truly never have to feel alone as a parent raising a child with Autism. It’s 2012, and the number of resources, experts, and all-around amazing souls available at the click of my mouse is one of the backbones of my survival. I wish this were the case when we first got a diagnosis and I was overwhelmed, frustrated, scared and confused (and very, very isolated)… but, as we know, everything happens in perfect timing.

These six blogs are my go-to places for experience, strength and hope. I am honored to have connected with everyone here, and can’t wait to do more together in some capacity in 2012. Here are my Top 6:

Louise Sattler
Louise is one of my soul sisters that I can’t wait to meet in person! She is a nationally recognized speaker that infuses her delivery with the kind of humor I adore. She is also a psychologist and owner of Signing Families™.  As soon as I get my act together, rather BALANCED (a non-negotiable goal for me in 2012!), we will collaborate and create greatness! Her support of my voice in the Autism community means more to me than I could ever express.

Gluten Free Gigi
Another soul sister that shares my city… we keep threatening to meet in person and finally share coffee talk! She took being gluten free by the horns and instead of balking about the foods she used to love she started creating masterpieces in the kitchen. Gigi has discovered creating and preparing these new, gluten free healthier versions of the foods she loves isn’t that difficult, is better for her and her family, and much less expensive than buying pre-packaged, gluten free foods and mixes. I have much to learn from her, and boy am I relieved! I’m so tired of buying $9 boxes of “Lemur Puffs” that make my son turn his nose up and say, “It’s not the SAAAAAME!”

Connie Hammer – Parent Coaching for Autism

Connie is an amazing, positive support for parents that especially want to take the struggle out of common hardships when it comes to raising a child with Autism. Bedtime, potty issues, holiday meltdowns – you name it. She celebrates and honors each parent and child as the individual they are, rather than pushing a “cookie cutter” system. I learn something from every single one of her blogs and newsletters.

Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer – Kitchen Classroom 4 Kids

Ms. Kaplan-Mayer wrote The Kitchen Classroom: 32 Visual GFCF Recipes to Boost Developmental Skills. We loved it so much I wrote a review about it. What I love is that this is not just a cookbook (cue Twilight Zone music… anyone else remember that episode? To Serve Man?). Specific activities are spelled out to help develop fine and gross motor skills, assist with cognitive abilities, speech and language, and address sensory input issues. She has a Recipe of the Week blog that is really fun!

Kid Companions

Creators of Chewelry, this blog offers a wide array of viewpoints and resources when it comes to everything special needs. Their goal is to help special kids be themselves and thrive. Each of their products give us parents peace of mind and support our special children. If your child is like mine and destroys pens, straws, clothing, video game styluses (stylii?) and whatever else is near because of chewing fixations… you need Chewelry!

Stark. Raving. Mad. Mommy.

I have no idea what her real name is, but I’ve been following her over all forms of social media for quite some time. Her sardonic wit and twisted perspectives sometimes get me through the day. It’s a little edgy and in your face, but come on – don’t we all crave that sometimes? She writes about parenting, sensory processing disorder, anxiety, ADHD, allergies, asthma, Asperger Syndrome, and whatever else is cooking at any given moment. Good stuff!

So there it is. There are a lot of other amazing people I currently support and collaborate with, but in order to keep things consistent (I have little specks of Monk in me from time to time) everyone listed here must have a blog that is updated regularly.

What blogs provide great value for you? Let me know by commenting below or on the SOA Facebook page!

A Letter to my Son – Clearing the Past

To celebrate the coming of the New Year, I decided I would reflect on how far my family has come since I began blogging about my Autism journey. This post signifies both a reminder of the growth we’ve experienced as well as offering a fresh start to 2012… one free of the emotional “muck” I’ve accumulated this past year!

So here it is again, the very first post I wrote as Spirit of Autism.

I recently learned of an amazing clearing tool to help make way for new growth and opportunity. Introduced to me by the illuminating life coach Kendra Thornbury, this Hawaiian self-help methodology called Ho’oponopono (no idea how to pronounce it, don’t ask!) removes emotional obstacles that block your path, freeing your mind to find new and unexpected ways to get what you want out of life. In “Zero Limits“, Joe Vitale and Ihaleakala Hew Len reveal this wisdom.

The main process includes four statements that can be used when remembering any situation that is causing residual emotions or behaviors that are no longer serving you:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

Intrigued, I logged this away, perhaps to examine in a quieter time during my daily routine. Today was that time, and it hit me with a pain in my side and a wave of uncontrollable sobs on the way back to work from walking my dog at lunch. These four statements sparked within me a flood of emotion and energy, moving me toward healing and letting go.

To Justin, my son with Autism.

I am sorry.

I’m sorry that it took me so long to understand that your brain works differently. I’m sorry I didn’t get it. I’m sorry I grew frustrated with you so much and had a short fuse when you were only acting out what your physical body needed to stop from hurting or feeling uncomfortable at that given moment. I’m sorry you spent your formative years believing you were not good enough, or stupid, as you so often would tell me that you were. I’m sorry I did not realize just how amazing your gifts are, and how sweet and loving your spirit is. I’m sorry I did not provide the right resources for you sooner, though I know you chose me as your mom for a reason and we are walking this journey together.

Please forgive me.

Forgive me for all the times I disciplined you and thought you knew better. You didn’t. Forgive me for sometimes viewing your disability as mine, using it to feel sorry for myself, or worse – to gain sympathy from others. Forgive me for putting you in situations you were not equipped to handle. Forgive me for being inconsistent with rules and messages, as if things aren’t confusing enough in your world. Forgive me for all the times I wanted to give up.

Thank you.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for accepting me as your caregiver, your teacher, your guide. Thank you for all the gifts you bring into my life every day. Thank you for inspiring me to rise above my perceived circumstances and start to help others. I would not be following my heart’s song without you. Thank you for not giving up on ME. Thank you for trusting that everything is working out exactly as it’s supposed to.

I love you.

I love you exactly as you are, today, in this moment. You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed or forgiven. You are all a mother could ask for. I will love you no matter where this journey takes us. All you have to do is keep being you and keep your heart open.

Love,

Mommy

Am I a Helicopter Mom?

Today I took my son with me to the computer repair place to drop off his laptop. Naturally, he was all over the place during the entire process – running around the store, making all the little holiday novelty toys make noise at the same time (repeatedly), slipping behind the counter, and making loud noises.

I am used to getting thrown out of most public places (grocery stores, restaurants, movie theaters, churches… shall I go on?) when this type of behavior emerges, so naturally I was a bit on edge, redirecting him as much as possible. Every two seconds. The store’s owner absolutely took a liking to my son and constantly told me while this was occurring to “let him go”, “let him explore and be a boy”, and “stop being a Mother Hen”.

I could have been insulted, but you and I both know that as a mother of a child on the Autism Spectrum we are frequently forced to be Helicopter Moms. Mostly I am used to hearing the opposite words than today’s experience: “Would you please control your child”, “You need to spank him or something”, and “Why do you let him do that?” So… yes. I hover.

I do know that when our world is immersed in sensory processing, Autism, and disability daily reminders, we can honestly forget that our child is just a child and sometimes they are doing what boys do! Still, people can often make judgments or assumptions based on the behaviors they see at that moment. This gentleman saw some loud noises, mild hyperactivity, and repetitive behavior and it didn’t bother him. What he didn’t know is that my son can have tendencies to:

  • Break items with impulsive movements
  • Hurt himself due to sensory-seeking behaviors like crashing into things
  • Make poor decisions because of the absence of a sense of danger
  • Disturb other people by being a “space invader”
  • Become so overloaded with sensory input that he is no longer able to hear and understand commands
  • Yell inappropriate things
  • Run away, sometimes into traffic

We lucked out this time. But where is that balance between being a Helicopter Mom and leaving some space for my child to show me that he can handle more than I may be letting him? Am I limiting his natural abilities to learn what’s appropriate and work things out? Or am I protecting him in the right way? Is it up to others’ reactions?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but the good news is that I can keep asking them and tweaking our experience along the way! I am not insulted by being called a “Mother Hen”, I am actually grateful for the opportunity to take a look at the way I support my child and possibly adjust for a better outcome if I find some truth in it.

What about you? Do you balance between hovering and allowing? Has it burned you or surprised you before? I’d love to see your comments below or on the SOA Facebook page!

My children, Malamute/Husky pack and I wish you and your family a wonderful, abundant and joyful Holiday Season!

OW! Why Did You Just Punch Me?!?

One of the most challenging of my son’s behaviors on a daily basis is his impulsivity. It has also been magnified greatly since the onset of precocious puberty.

What is impulsivity?

On MedicineNet.com, it is defined as:

Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought. People who are overly impulsive, seem unable to curb their immediate reactions or think before they act. As a result, they may blurt out answers to questions or inappropriate comments, or run into the street without looking. Their impulsivity may make it hard for a child to wait for things they want or to take their turn in games. They may grab a toy from another child or hit when they are upset.

What this would look like in school in our experience was my son blurting out a noise, walking up to something and knocking it down, bumping into someone, hitting his head on the desk, etc. This was probably the number one category of behaviors he repeatedly got in trouble for.

The teachers, the para professionals, the counselors, and the principal would always ask the same thing of him: “Why did you…? Why? What were you thinking?”

And he would always answer, “I dunno.” Sometimes he would giggle.

I got told the same thing over and over – that my son must have done whatever he had done on purpose, because he showed no remorse for his actions and refused to tell us why. They were infuriated. They would even go so far as to suggest for a behavioral blowup on a Tuesday morning that I punish him over the weekend by taking away TV and video games. Um… have you ever disciplined a dog 10 hours after he ate a shoe? How’d that work out for you?

Of course he doesn’t know WHY  he did it. Of course he feels no remorse – he doesn’t understand that he did something wrong.

It is NOT a calculated action.

It is NOT a manipulative behavior.

It is NOT intentionally disrespectful.

As a parent, it takes a lot of reminders for me to remember these things in the heat of the moment. When he rides the puppy, sticks his foot in my face, punches me, knocks into me while I have a cup of hot coffee in my hand, blurts out a screeching noise close to my face… this is impulsivity. He doesn’t think, “Hmmm… if I do THIS, it will make Mom yell.” (that’s my daughter’s job, ha ha)

Now, before you start yelling that I am giving him a free ticket to be a butt whenever he wants, that is not the case. I am always striving to find the delicate balance of understanding his actions but teaching him that they are inappropriate. In order to communicate with him in a way he will receive it, I have to remember that he is not doing it on purpose to physically hurt me or irritate the living crap out of me. (Again… teen daughter for that :) Kidding! She’s awesome!)

I also have to remember that sometimes he is just being a boy. My world is submerged in the study of Autism and I can sometimes forget that little boys can be imps.

I wish I could tell you WHY impulsivity is such a huge part of Autism. In fact, I tried to write this blog last week based on the science behind it and it just wasn’t happening. It is what it is, and I’m sharing what we experience and what helps. That’s all I can do!

So what does help?

Create a separate room for “free behaviors”. One of my favorite things to say to my son when his noises and behaviors are at their peak in the common living area is, “This is the quiet room. You may go in the noisy room to scream, throw things, punch your pillow (or keep doing whatever it is he is doing). Out here you need to be quiet and respect the rest of the family.” I even do it with the dogs – send them to another place when they are severely disrupting things in the family room.

Redirection. Ah, the magic answer that comes up a lot… because it works! Changing the focus, getting out of the power struggle and into a silly joke, task, or game will almost always set the stage for peace.

Social stories. My son lacks empathy – he is not currently wired to experience theory of mind (putting himself in another’s shoes). I have actually seen some pretty exciting gains when it comes to this, but for the most part I have to remember that saying, “How would you feel if…?” never gets the answer I want. Not because he’s being a butt, because he doesn’t know. Social stories – observing a third party in a similar situation – help him make a connection.

I’ve always been amazed that my son could do high school math but would burn his hand on our stove and go back and touch it again. The cause and effect factor is completely missing. This helps me understand that coming up to me and knocking down something I’ve just built does not warrant the punishment a parent might normally feel the need to dispense. I have to stop and think, just as much as I am teaching my son to do.

What about you? What challenging behaviors do you see that you can attribute to impulsivity? What helps? I’d love for you to comment below or share your experiences on the SOA Facebook page!